X-Men 183: He'll never make her cry or fake an orgasm

What we learn this issue besides that Colossus knows how to keep the ladies creamin like Willie Beamon.

OOH, A LOT OF SHIT HAPPENS; LETS TRY TO DO THIS MAD BRIEFLY YO:

COLOSSUS DUMPS KITTY - SUCKS TO BE YOU, PRYDE

KITTY CRIES TO HER FRIEND ILLYANA, WHO'S ALL LIKE, YEAH, REMINDS ME OF THE TIME I GOT IMPRISONED IN HELL AND RAPED FOR 7 YEARS. BITCH.

ROGUE IS ALL PISSED SHES TOTALLY BONKERS AND NEARLY KILLS HERSELF IN THE DANGER ROOM AND DOESN'T EVEN GIVE A FUCK IF STORM WANTS TO HELP.

WOLVERINE TELLS COLOSSUS ITS TIME TO GO DRINK BEERS AND DOESN'T EVEN RECALL GIVING HIM A GOD DAMN CHOICE. WOLVERINE OWNS. NIGHTCRAWLER TAGS ALONG AND SMELLS OF FART.

STORM COMFORTS KITTY. KITTY SEZ SHE HATES COLOSSUS, AND LOVES HIM. WELL WHICH IS IT, BITCH?

MYSTIQUE IS INFILTRATING THE FUGGIN YOO ESS GUBMINT! THAT FUGGIN CRAFTY CUNNY! START BEING MORE SUSPICIOUS VALERIE FUGGIN COOPER!!!

AT THE BAR, WOLVERINE GIVES COLOSSUS A VICIOUS ADMONISHMENT.

THEN FUCKIN COLOSSUS SPILLS A FUCKIN BEER ON FUCKIN CAIN THE FUCKIN JUGGER-FUCKIN-NAUT FUCKIN MARKO. FUCK! WHAT THE DICK IS THAT FUCKER DOING THE FUCK HERE?

THEY FIGHT. JUGGSIE HITS COLOSSUCK WITH THE BAR. THE WHOLE FUCKING BAR! THEN HE DUMPS THE BUILDING ON HIM. THE WHOLE FUCKING BUILDING! JESUS CHRIST, IT WAS JUST A BEER, MOTHERFUCKER, SMOKE A FUCKIN PEACE PIPE WHY DONT YOU.

WOLVEROONIE TELLS COLONOSUSS ONCE AGAIN THAT HE'S A STRAIGHT UP FUCKIN BITCH. THEN WALKS AWAY LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN GIVE A MOTHERFUCK. CAUSE HE DON'T. BITCH.

AND THAT'S IT - OH WAIT, WHAT'S THIS? ANOTHER VILLAIN ON THE FINAL PAGE SHOWN SUCKING THE LIFE OUT OF SOME DUDE? SOME INNOCENT SCHLUB WHO WAS JUST TRYING TO BURY HIS DICK IN SOME COOZE HE PICKED UP AT THE BAR AND DIDN'T REALIZE THAT THIS PARTICULAR COOZE WAS A 2000 YEAR OLD SOUL DRAINING SUPER VILLAIN SUCCUBUS NAMED SELENE? WELL, THAT'S WHY IT'S CALLED 'WEARING PROTECTION' BRO. ENJOY VD/DEATH.

PALS AT THE BAR:

Phew, I'm exhausted. Also, drawing word bubbles for three people in one panel is hard! Much respect Tom Orzechowski.

Another solid issue of with the right mix of melodrama and cartoon violence. So you see why Claremontel is often called the Godfather of post-modern Sci-Fi by no one except me and really it just shows how much of an influence his X-Men were on dudes like Joss Whedon? Well now you do, so believe it baby.

The break up scene the issue opens with really is handled well, especially by Romita Jr, who even though I like to dump on does a great job with the shifting perspectives and wide shots and facial expressions and dare I say this fucking guy is growing on me?

I'll still just say it's all on the inker, Dan the Man Green, but whatever, the art here is nice.

It's pretty absurd that Juggernaut just happens to go to the same bar as Wolverine, Colossus and Nightcrawler. Even more ridiculous is the fight starts by accident, not because either Peter or Marko recognize each other. But a fight to break the tension was necessary for the story so no big whoop.

The fact that two monstrous, invulnerable, tank-like dudes just blowing off steam at a bar wrecks an entire building and nearly kills dozens of building did strike me as a little bit fucked up, though. It's stuff like that that makes the premise of Garth Ennis' The Boys totally plausible. People say Ennis is created that book because he hates super heroes, but I think it's more that he LOVES super heroes and has read a shit ton of super hero books, it's just that if he were to try and sit down and write a super hero book of his own, which he is basically doing with the Boys, all he would think about is stuff like this. How a bunch of fuckers are just recklessly endangering, and probably murdering, a whole bunch of people just because they can and who gives a fuck. Well, read that series if you want to know more, but also just know this one other thing: THE BOYS IS FUCKING AWESOME.

And next issue this new bitch Selene starts a ruckus and more of the political horsepucky that's been stewing in the pot for a while finally starts really hitting the fan. YEAH A GREAT FUCKING TIME WE'RE HAVING ISN'T IT.

X-Men 182: Madness, space madness

What we learned this issue besides that Rogue is fucking mental.

HOLY SHIT, ROGUE IS FUCKING NUTS.

SHE IS THE ONLY X-LADYBOY FEATURED THIS WHOLE ISSUE AND SHE SPENDS THE WHOLE THING BABBLING TO HERSELF LIKE A WEIRDO OR LITERALLY FLIPPING BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES LIKE A GOD DAMN CRAZY PERSON.

THERE IS ALSO A BUNCH OF CRAZY SPY ESPIONAGE INTRIGUE LIKE ON THOSE SHOWS, ALIAS, OR UM, 24? OR... I DUNNO I DON'T WATCH ANY OF THOSE WACK ASS BULLSHIT SHOWS. WHAT DO I LOOK LIKE, SOME FUCKIN BORING SHOW WATCHING MOTHERFUCKER?

SPEAKING OF WACK BULLSHIT, SEBASTIAN SHAW, THE BLACK KING (CODENAME ROYAL MIDNIGHT) HAS A MOLE WHO INFILTRATED THE S.H.E.I.L.D. HELICARRIER.

WHAT THE FUCK IS A S.H.E.I.L.D. HELLICARRIER, YOU ASK? TRY GOOGLE YOU LAZY SHIT.

ALSO, A ROYAL MIDNIGHT IS WHEN YOU PEE INTO A GIRL'S BUTT AT THE STROKE OF MIDNIGHT. HAHA NOT REALLY, BUT IT SOUNDS LIKE ONE OF THOSE FUCKING URBAN DICTIONARY THINGS, DOESN'T IT?

ANYWAY, SO THIS COLONEL ROSSI GUY IS GETTING FUCKED UP BY SHAW'S FLUNKIES WHEN ROGUE ENDS UP RESCUING HIM, BECAUSE CAROL DANVERS USED TO DATE FUCKIN ROSSI AND ROGUE PERMANENTLY ABSORBED CAROL DANVERS POWERS AND PERSONALITY BACK IN HER SUPER VILLAIN DAYS AND, WAIT, WHAT THE FUCK? COMICS ARE FUCKING RIDICULOUS.

AND AS YOU MIGHT GUESS, COLONEL MICHAEL ROSSI IS A LITTLE CONFLICTED ABOUT THE WHOLE SITUATION:

ALSO DON'T FORGET MR ROSSI-THE-WOPPY THAT ROGUE STILL SAVED YOUR BACON FROM THE EVIL S.H.I.E.L.D TRAITORS WHO WERE ABOUT TO CAP YOUR SORRY ASS BEFORE SCHIZO-ROGUE SHOWED UP. SO HOW BOUT SHOWING A LITTLE GRATITUDE YOU FUCKIN BITCH ASS AIR FORCE PILOTING BITCH.

I do have to admire Clare-mare's ambition with this issue. To totally ditch the rest of the team and focus on one of the newer characters and her split personality taken from a whole different comic book you used to write but most X-Men fans probably didn't read (like me) is a bold move. An even bolder move? Jax making out with his half sister, Trinity, in Sons of Anarchy. Wow! Is there any taboo that show won't cover? Actually this season hasn't been that great, so - BACK TO THE X-DONGS.

Or singular X-Dong as it were, who is Rogue, who does a few totally goofy things like rests on a cloud (impossible, clouds look like fog up close, not big puffy marshmallows) and throws a silver dollar (a Susan B. Anthony dollar to be exact. Subtle feminism, much?) that ricochets off a bunch of machines, destroying them all, which is also dumb because if she threw it with enough force to do damage it wouldn't bounce off shit it was just stay embedded or go right through.

THIS IS BASIC SCIENCE COMMON SENSE, DAMN IT.

Anyhow, the setting up of Shaw as a villain again is nice and adding S.H.I.E.L.D. into the mix is also welcome. The ending is a little weird, with Rossi saying he wants to fucking kill Rogue (who's invulnerable, so tough cookies, pal) and a sobbing Rogue/Carol Danvers saying she does to. Oh quit yer bitchin and suck it up. You have super powers. You can fly. Life's not all bad.

And then it ends with some foreshadowing of Colonel Nick fuckin Fury, the Chuck Norris but way cooler of Marvel Comics, swearing vengeance on Rogue (who he blames for one of his agent's, a traitorous agent I might add, death) and authorizing all of S.H.I.E.L.D. to take her down with DEADLY FORCE.

UH OH, YOU'VE STIRRED UP A HORNET'S NEXT NOW, SUGAH.

Also I like the old Nick Fury here, when he looked like Don Johnson, instead of Samuel Jackson. Does that make me a racist? YEP PROBABLY.

X-Men 181: Tokyo Glory Hole

What we learned this issue other than that Gojira, Space Cruiser Yamato, Astro Boy, Red Ronin and the Hulk are nothin but dirty bitches.

THE X-DONGS ARE BACK FROM THE SECRET WHORES (WARS) AND THEY HAVE A GREAT BIG FUCKING DRAGON WITH THEM.

THAT DRAGON FUCKS TOKYO RIGHT THE FUCK UP. AND IT WANTS KITTY'S PET MALE DRAGON TO STUFF HIS GENITALS INTO HER LADY DRAGON PARTS.

I THOUGH GENITALS WAS SPELLED WITH AN E. OH WELL, LIVE AND LEARN.

JAPAN TRIES TO SEND THEIR ARMY TO STOP THIS GIANT HORNY DRAGON. OH WAIT, YOU DON'T HAVE A FUCKIN ARMY, JAPAN. YOU LOST THAT PRIVILEGE, DIDN'T YOU? BUT AT LEAST YOU HAVE CARS WITH SHITTY BREAKS AND TENTACLE PORN STILL GOING FOR YOU.

THAT ASSHOLE SUNFIRE SHOWS UP.

SUNFIRE TRULY IS A BUTTFUCKING SONOVABITCH.

THE DRAGON FUCKS OFF AND "CASUALTIES AND LOSS OF LIFE WERE KEPT TO A MINIMUM." WELL FUCKING GREAT. NO THANKS TO YOU, LOCKHEED, YOU FUCKING BITCH ASS DRAGON FUCK.

There is a brief, Cyclops and Madelyne Pryor interlude, in which Claremont shows off his bizarre sense of pillow talk.

Maddy: I guess this is what they meant by "for better, for worse."

Cyclops: Could be. I love you, Red.

Maddy: Likewise, Hotshot. 'Til death do us part.

It would've been funnier if Madelyne said, 'til death do us fart! And then cut loose are great flappy baritone blast from her anal sphincter. I mean I would have thought so, anyway.

This issue is a nice mix of silly, Tokyo monster fight + soap opera drama. I give two plumped melons up.

And then at the very end, that dickhead to end all dickheads and also the tip to a previously never ending parade of dicks, Senator Robert Kelly tells some other old white dude in Washington, DC (hey, I fuckin live there), that he's going to introduce some legislation to defend our nation from mutants. Actually it all sounds pretty reasonable. I don't see what the big fuckin deal is.

X-Men 180: Whose double headed fake dongus is it, anyway?

What we learned this issue besides that I get unreasonably annoyed when people use the word masturbate incorrectly. One person can not masturbate another. You can jerk someone else off (or jag them off, all the same to me) but masturbation is strictly a solo enterprise, hot damn it. You also can't manually masturbate farm animals for artificial insemination, Kevin Smith.

XAVIER HAS FIGURED OUT HOW TO USE HIS LEGS AGAIN, AND THEN USES THEM TO PLAY BASKETBALL LIKE A TOTAL PUSSY INSTEAD OF COMPETING IN THE ANCIENT SPORT OF WRESTLING LIKE A REAL MAN WOULD.

HE'S ALSO GETTING TERRIBLE HEADACHES. PROBABLY JUST THAT TIME OF THE MONTH AGAIN, CHARLIE.

KITTY PRYDE FINALLY HAS A LOVE INTEREST HER AGE, IN DOUG RAMSEY, A WORTHLESS AND LAME NEW MUTANT WHO POWER IS THE ABILITY TO TRANSLATE THINGS. WHAT A LOSER. AND WE HAVE TO WAIT LIKE 60 ISSUES BEFORE HE'S KILLED FOR BEING A TOTAL BUTT WIPE WITH A CHODE POWER (PS ALSO A SPOILER ALERT)

KITTY AND DOUG GO TO AN ARCADE AND THEN GET A BURGER. A RECEIPE FOR A SMOOTH SMOOTH HJ IN THE NEAR FUTURE NO DOUBT.

COLOSSUS HAS A HEART TO HEART WITH WOLVERINE ABOUT NO LONGER WANTING TO BONE KITTY. SHUT UP, PUSSIES.

KITTY AND STORM FINALLY WRING OUT THEIR HORMONES AND TALK ABOUT KITTY'S BULLSHIT "PROBLEM" WITH STORM NEW ATTITUDE, CLOTHES AND MOHAWK, EVEN THOUGH HER ATTITUDE IS STILL PRETTY MUCH THE SAME: MEGA BITCH.

GOD THERE SO MUCH FUCKING TALKING IN THIS ISSUE, WHY WON'T IT FUCKING END. OK LOOK, HERE IS XAVIER PLAYING BASKETBALL.

LIKE A FAGGOT.

Welcome to lametown, population, this fucking issue (and that joke). The only action is Storm fighting some dumb stereotypical street punks. Theyre the type of typical generic (and probably racist) depictions of thugs found in comics. Theyre supposed to be in some sort of mixed race gang that just go around, confidently boasting of hurting innocent people for money and or fun. And then Storm beats them up.

And then She and Kitty menstruate all over each other.

And the X-Men get sucked into some warp and deposited onto the "Battleworld" used for the Marvel Universe crossover limited series Secret Wars, which was also dumb as hell. And I think Ed in Cheif Jim Shooter made Claremont end the Colossus/Kitty underage smoochfest, but I don't know for sure, what do I look like, his fucking biographer?

And then next issue they're all back from the Secret Wars (even though it'll be another 11 months before that limited series ends - guess none of the X-Pals die during it, huh? FYI SPOILED ALERT THAT WAS NOT EVEN MY FAULT) and more adventures, hopefully more interesting than this one, will take place.

LETS STEP UP THE GAME, CLAREMONT, SHALL WE?

X-Men Annual 6: PUD FEUD

What we learned in this 100th fuggin Balzac's Ballsack post. Shit.

THE X-DONGS FIGHT DRACULA AGAIN AND DRACULA IS A TOTAL DICK.

ALSO FIGHTING DRACULA: A YOUNG, ATTRACTIVE, BLONDE GIRL WHO COMES FROM AN ANCIENT LINEAGE OF VAMPIRE FIGHTERS. YES, JOSS WHEDON IS A BLATANT THIEVING HACK AS WELL.

KITTY IS PMS'ING ALL OVER THE PLACE BECAUSE HER PARENTS GOT A DIVORCE. HEY, BIG DEAL BITCH, NOW YOU CAN GET THEM TO COMPETE FOR YOUR AFFECTION AND EMOTIONALLY EXTORT FREE MONEY AND SHIT FROM THEM. QUIT YER PISSIN AND MOANIN ALREADY.

AND THEN THE X-FONDLERS GET CAUGHT BETWEEN THE AGE OLD FEUD OF DRACULA VS THE VAN HELSINGS VS DRACULA'S WHORE DAUGHTER LILITH VS THE SHAFT OF A LONG LEAN PUD VS THE HAIRY NUT BAG UNDERNEATH THAT PUD THATS LOADED WITH WHITE HOT PUD JUICE VS OK THAT'S E-FUGGIN-NUFF.

THEN THE FEMALE VAN HELSING AND FUTURE BUFFY PROTOTYPE DIES AND SO DOES DRACULA... OR DOES HE? AND THE X-PUDS ARE ALL FINE AT THE END EVEN THOUGH A BUNCH OF THEM GOT THEIR BLOOD SUCKED SLASH STRAIGHT UP POSSESSED BY FUCKIN VAMPIRES.

OH HEY LOOK ITS THAT DINGUS WRINKLE DRACULA NOW:

This was a pretty cool annual but only event of lasting importance was Rachel Van Helsing's death, and that was only a big deal if you follow the Dracula comics from the 70's (I don't), though I hear they were a pretty big deal at the time. It's 1982 now, though, and Dracula is old fuckin news. It's all capes and tights in the Marvel Universe now, so a major Dracula supporting character earns life's great reward rather ignominiously.

For the rest of the X-Men, it's a one and done annual with the only impact to continuity being the divorce of Kitty Pryde's parents. But who gives a shit about that little brat's parents? Not this guy.

The art's handled pretty righteously by Bill Seinkiewicz and Bob Wiacek and I totally had to look up the spelling of their names, though I don't know why I bothered.

And now I'm going to go watch that blowhard James Cameron's masterpiece, True Lies, on TBS, even though that movie is all dumb. Like I give a bull crap.

Next issue, back to the regular issues, damn it!

X-Men 179: What Crappened to Shitty?

What we learned this issue besides what the bitch happened to motherfucking Kitty god damn Pryde:

WELL SHE'S NOT DEAD, WOLVERINE'S MAGIC MUTANT NOSE SNIFFED OUT THAT CLEVER MORLOCK RUSE.

BUT SHE IS TOTALLY DRUGGED UP AND ABOUT TO MARRY A DISGUSTING WRETCH OF A MUTANT NAMED CALIBAN (BECAUSE CLAREMONTLEBAN'S SHAGSBEARD BONER KNOWS NO EARTHLY LIMITS).

AND COLOSSUS IS STILL FROZEN IN CARBONITE, OR WHATEVER THE HELL HAPPENS TO ORGANIC STEEL WHEN IT'S SUPER HEATED THEN SPRAYED WITH LIQUID NITROGEN.

EVEN AFTER KITTY TRIES TO STOP HIM WHILE IN THE MIDST OF A MORLOCK INDUCED HOMICIDAL RAGE, WOLVERINE HAS TIME FOR TERMS OF ENDEARMENT: "WHY'RE YOU GIVIN' ME GRIEF PUN'KIN?" HE FUCKING SAYS.

EVERYBODY IS FINE AT THE END. EVEN THOUGH THE MORLOCKS ARE TOTAL DICKS, THE ALSO HAVE A DEUS EX MACHINA HEALER WHO SAVES COLOSSUS AND THEN THAT CREEPYFACED DUDE CALIBAN RELEASES KITTY FROM HER OBLIGATION TO MARRY HIM (I FORGET WHY, SOMETHING ABOUT HIM HELPING STOP ANGEL FROM GETTING KILLED OR SOME BULLSHIT) AND EVERYBODY GOES HOME.

A COUPLE THINGS ABOUT THAT: 1) SLAVERY IS ILLEGAL IN THIS COUNTRY, MISTER, ESPECIALLY THE KIND INVOLVING WHITE WOMEN 2) WASN'T KITTY'S FIRE BREATHING PET FUCKIN DRAGON SPECIFICALLY CREATED TO HELP OUT IN SITUATIONS LIKE THIS? 3) LISTEN TO HOW LAME CALIBAN SOUNDS WHEN HE TELLS KITTY SHE CAN GO "REMEMBER HIM KINDLY - NOT AS THE MORLOCK MONSTER - BUT AS THE PRINCE." OK PUSSY, WILL DO.

ANYWAY, HERE ARE THOSE TWO BOZOS ABOUT TO GET MARRIED:

This issue also starts out with some more preposterous Morlock tunnel nonsense. Says the narrator: "There is a city beneath the city - a labyrinthine network of tunnels and passages that reach as deep... as Manhattan's fabled skyscapers do high." Um, no there isn't, dude. Not even close. Also, why are Manhattan's skyscaper's fabled? They're totally fuckin real. I've been in a few of them. Nothing fabley about it.

It is kind of cool to see what a collection of grody lookin bums the Morlock's are, and Romita Jr's art is, dare say, pretty all right. Of course it's helped by Dan The Man Green on inks, so credit where credit is due.

Not much else happens besides Kitty no longer being obligated to marry Caliban and Colossus being magically healed. The fabled (see how I use it hear?) Claremontian subplots are mostly sidelined, except for Kitty still having a big fucking hang up over Storm lezzing it out. Look, it's 1982, Kitty, lighten the fuck up.

It may also be the first time we see Leach, the ugly green alien looking looking Morlock kid who neutralizes Mutant powers. But I'm not sure, though, because I don't give a fucking shit. Oh and Xavier gets randomly attacked by some crazy psychic mind bolts or whatever and it's not explained. It all ties into the Secret Wars Marvel Universe mega cross over that I'm not even going to talk about because the X-Men barely factor into it and go read a blog about the faggot Beyonder if you want to know what its all about, because this here blog is ALL X-TARDS ALL THE TIME.

No jerry curled omnipotent beings allowed. Not even one, despite the fact that I said beingS. This is not the No Homers Club, wise ass.

Anyhowzer, next issue is another annual, seems like a while since we last did one. And it stars Dracula! Back in the good old days when vampires were men and frankensteins were just dudes who created monsters, not the actually monsters themselves, though I still prefer to call the monster Frankenstein, because who cares, dorkface? Mary Shelly can rise from the god damn grave to correct me if she fuckin wants, otherwise shut the fuck up, I don't care.

Then we start a whole new X-Men Essential collection, number 5! Wow we are all such losers, aren't we!?!

X-Men 178: TACO BELL HATH NO MCFLURRIES

What we learn this issue besides that there is no fury in hell:

MAN COLOSSUS IS REALLY FUCKED NOW.

WOLVERINE AND STORM ARE PRACTICING IN THE DANGER ROOM. AND WITH PRESSURE MOUNTING, THE SEXUAL TENSION IS PALPABLE! CHECK IT OUT!

KITTY HAS RUNNED THE FUCK OFF TO THE BAXTER BUILDING TO ENLIST THE HELP OF GENIUS REED RICHARDS OF THE FANTASTIC FOURSKIN, BUT THOSE BITCHES AREN'T HOME.

MEANWHILE, NIGHTCRAWLER AND HIS BLONDE GYPSY HALF SISTER GIRLFRIEND FEND OFF THE BROTHERHOOD OF EVIL MUTANTS UNTIL THE REST OFF THE X-MEN SHOW UP. REALLY? BROTHERHOOD OF EVIL MUTANTS? THEY'RE STILL CALLING THEMSELVES THAT?

THE BLOB IS A FAT FUCK.

DESTINY'S POWERS WORK FOR SHIT.

THE X-MEN WIN BUT THE FIGHT DOESN'T MATTER BECAUSE AS THE FAT FUCKING BLOB SAYS: "AIN'T YOU CLOWNS TWIGGED YET?! WE WERE NEVER AFTER YOUR HIDES. THIS WAS A DIVERSION!" YES DUM DUMS, DIDN'T YOU REALIZE THIS WAS A RUSE, A CUNNING ATTEMPT TO DISTRACT THE X-CHODES SO MYSTIQUE COULD MURDER THE PROFESSOR!?

THE BLOB ALSO CALLS COLOSSUS "KITTY'S RUSSKIE SMOOCH." HAR!

BEFORE THE ASSASSINATION ATTEMPT, XAVIER WAS STRAIGHT LUXURIATING IN HIS MANSION BY THE FIRE, GOING OVER SOME PAPERS. JUST, Y'KNOW, BUSINESS PAPERS.

Wow, two whole cartoons, I'm really giving it my A game tonight!

Actually I'm going to lazily wrap this shit up because I'm fucking hungry and I want to watch TV. The taxing life of a grad student, yessir.

Overall a good action issue and because everyone is so curious, one of the first comics I ever bought as a back issue when I was very young man. Thats nostalgia, muthafuckas!

So the fight ends with Xavier shot up but not dead and Kitty Pryde presumed dead because she fell while leaving the Baxter building after she stole Peen Richards' "high intensity heat source he designed to thaw organic matter without causing any harm." Oh wow, Richards just happened to invent that, did he? Well, lucky day for Kitty Pryde, isnt it?

So yeah I skipped some stuff and Rogue and Mystique have a real mother-foster daughter falling out. And next issue we find out if Kitty and/or Colossus and/or Xavier die (hey, can't Destiny, the woman with precognitive powers, just tell the X-Schlongs if they die? Oh that's right, whenever it would give too much off the plot away, Destiny's future sight just happens to get cloudy. How convenient for you, CLAREMONT!) But anyway, no, none of those people die, ya ding dong.

X-Men 177: Sanitary Napkin

What we learned this issue besides that when stumped for a title, Claremont just says 'fuck it, we'll call it Sanction', even though absolutely no sanctioning takes place:

CLAREMONT USES MYSTIQUE'S VISIT TO A CIRCUS (A DEADLY CIRCUS, NATCH) AS A PROXY TO RAP WISTFUL ABOUT THE GOOD OLD DAYS OF COMIC BOOKS: "IT WAS A MAGIC PLACE, WHOSE INHABITANTS WERE STORYBOOK CHARACTERS COME TO LIFE, MORE BEAUTIFUL AND EXCITING THAN I COULD EVER HOPE TO BE."

GAY

MYSTIQUE THEN TOTALLY MURDERS ALL THE X-MEN, EXCEPT THEY ARE NOT X-MENS, THEY ARE ARCADES ROWBIT X-MEN

GAY ROWBITS

KITTY PRYDE IS STILL FREAKED OUT BY THE NEW LEATHER LEZBO STORM. RELAX KITTY, IT'S JUST A PHASE. SHE'LL GROW OUT OF IT, YOU SILLY GOOSE.

KITTY AND PETER GO ON A DATE TO THE NEW YORK MET BUT THEN TRAGEDY STRIKES IN THE FORM OF A SUPER VILLAIN ATTACK. TOTAL CALL BACK TO X-MEN 99 WITH JEAN AND SCOTT'S FUCKING DATE, YO. AT LEAST I THINK IT'S ISSUE 99, WHAT DO I LOOK LIKE, THE FUCKING ASSISTANT TO THE EDITOR?

XAVIER, HAVOK AND CYCLOPS BEAM BACK TO EARTH AS XAVIER'S ALIEN BIRD QUEEN LOVER, LILANDRA, AND SCOTT'S HOMOSEXUAL SPACE PIRATE FATHER,COSAIR, FUCK OFF TOGETHER OUT INTO THE COSMOS. SO LONG ASSHOLES.

NIGHTCRAWLER IS SO TOTALLY MYSTIQUE'S KID....

...OR IS HE?!?!?!?!?!

MAN OF LIVING METAL COLOSSUS GETS FUCKED UP WITH SUPER HEATED INFERNO BLASTS IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWED BY A BATH IN LIQUID NITROGEN. HMMM... WHERE HAVE I SEEN THAT BEFORE... I'M LOOKING AT YOU JAMES CAMERON YOU FUCKING HACK.

ALSO A TOTAL RUHTARD? ARCADE. A TUMBLING DICKWEED, HE IS. SO CHECK IT OUT, I MAILED IN THE CARTOON.

Why is Arcade's god damn head so much bigger than Miss Locke's? The world may never know.

The first half of this issue is Mystique "training" at Arcade's carnival of death, or whatever, with his rowbit X-Dong dobbledongangers, so she can get good practice and do it thing for real later. I like the premise but Mystique relies on a lot of cheap moves, like shooting a gun into a giant gas tanker and blowing robot Storm to bits. That's just lazy C-Mont. Oh wait, nerd alert, Mystique doesn't shoot a gun, she wears a "special suit" that captures Storm's lighting and allows her to shoot it back, which blows up the tanker that incinerates rowbit Storm. EVEN FUCKING LAZIER.

And of course, Arcade is a great big cock cheese so it sucks that he is around. And how did he create a robot to teleport like Nightcrawler? He can just do that? Fuck that.

Also, echoing the fateful night the sentinels came and snatched Jean Grey up into space, Colossus and Kitty Pryde are attacked by super villains during their otherwise peaceful and sexy night out on the town. Mad cockblockin, son.

One of the new villains (is he new? I don't feel like checking to make sure) is some limey butt sniffer named Pyro, who can control flames. That's fine, but when he uses a giant ball of fire to pick Colossus up? Well that just fucking dumb. Fire has no mass, it's the fucking byproduct of a chemical reaction, it can't pick anything up, damn it. C'mon, don't bullshit me here.

What is awesome though is the idea of superheating Colossus with flame (C-Mizzy rhetorically asks if Colossus can get so hot that he melts. Well I don't know about Colossus' organic steel skin but the googles says stainless steal melts at around 2500 degrees Fahrenheit, so there you go Mr. Wizard) and then superfreezing him with liquid nitrogen (here Claremont consulted an encyclopedia and tells us that shit is minus 346F). This comic came out in 1984. Seven years later, that no talent assclown James Cameron will totally rip this idea off to kill the liquid metal T-1000 model killer rowbit.

I know Cameron makes some awesome flicks (ALIENS will never stop being all kinds of awesome), and no one has better special effects, but lets face it, the guy is a retard. I mean have you actually seen Titanic? And not just the part with Kate Winslet's naked ta-tas. Its fucking dumb as hell. James Cameron: idiot.

Anyhow, the cliffhanger here is if Colossus will now die from such punishment. Um, I'm going to guess fuckin no, but I'll sure as fuck tune in next time to find the fuck out!

X-Men 176: Attack of the Cocktopuss!

What we learned this issue besides what you get when you cross a rooster with an octopus:

NEWLYWEDS CYCLOPS AND MADELYNE NEVER STOP BONING. "WHEN DO WE LAND THIS PLANE SO WE CAN BONE MORE?" ASKS SCOTT SUMMERS. "HOTSHOT AT THIS RATE MY UTERUS IS GOING TO FALL OUT," REPLIED MADELYNE PYROR/OLD MOTHER HUBBARD.

A STORM FUCKS ALL THEIR SHIT UP (NOT THE STORM, JUST A STORM).

WOLVERINE GOES TO MARIKO AND IS ALL, "YO, THAT WAS JUST MASTERMIND BEFORE, BEING A DICK. WE CAN GO BACK TO BONING AGAIN." AND MARIKO IS ALL, "ME NO THINK SO, THAT STILL HAPPEN STUPID AMERICAN. YOU SEEN THIS TUNA ROLL FOR LAST TIME."

SOME POLITICS AND SHIT HAPPEN WITH NON SUPER HERO GOVERNMENT TYPES LIKE VALERIE COOPER AND HENRY GYRICH AND SOME BORING CRAP I'M NOT GOING TO RE-READ.

UM, MORLOCKS ARE FUGALEE SLUTS!

A GIANT OCTOPUS, A FUCKING GIANT OCTOPUS, ATTACKS MADELYNE AND SCOTT BUT THEY SURVIVE AND FLY OFF INTO THE SUNSET FOR A NON STOP SUCK AND FUCKFEST FOR THE END OF TIME!

OH, AND A FUCKING SHARK TRIED TO EAT THEM TOO. A FUCKING SHARK!

This one is all about Scott and Madelyne trying to retire from the super hero life and just hang out together and fuck all the time. Seriously, Claremont makes many many many not so subtle allusions to the fact that these two are bumping uglies every god damn chance they get. Of course as a snot nosed little brat, I picked up on none of this, BUT I'M ON TO YOUR DIRTY TRICKS NOW, CLAREMONT, YOU DEGENERATE SMUT PEDDLER.

Like I said before, you'd think Pyror would wise up and ditch this super hero dude because of all the life threatening crazy ass shit he puts her through, but she's actually super lucky to have Cyclops around this time because 1) he's a dope ass mechanic and pilot and he got the plane running again after it was felled by the lightening storm 2) he fucking zapped a great white shark AND a giant fucking octopus that was trying to kill them and and 3) i've said this many times: CYCLOPS IS THE BEST X-MAN.

Back in Japan, Wolverine goes out begging for some sweet poonany but wisely, Claremont says a married Wolverine is a bozo boring lame Wolverine, and I actually buy the excuse Mariko uses that regardless of mutant mind control, the shit she agreed to happened and she is honor bound to do right by her family and Wolverine is just going to have to go poke some other slit. I've heard some people (yes other nerds on the internet, fine you got me) complain that Claremont's version of Japan is backwards and racists and people dont go around wearing kimonos and swinging samurai swords all the time, and to that I say, listen nerds, 1) Wolverine and Rogue were out earlier in Ginza at a modern bar with normal looking dudes and 2) PEOPLE DONT DRESS IN TIGHTS AND HAVE SUPER POWERS IN AMERICA so who gives a shit, its a comic book.

And finally some people in suits sit around a table in Washington DC (hey I live there!) and talk about what a menace Magneto is (rightly so) and agree to start the ominous sounding but not totally defined PROJECT WIDEAWAKE, a plot device thats actually been teased for a while. Claremont will deal with that and the politics aspect of mutants (and super heroes in general) more later, its just good to know that the stuff we're seeing now got totally ripped off by Byran Singer and his two X-Men movies (as well as Mark Millar's massive MU X-over Civil War) so next time someone says that Singer is a genius who modernized some silly comic book characters and gave them depth and gravitas and whatever, you say: EAT SHIT PAL, THAT WAS ALL THE MAIN MAN HIMSELF, CHRIS CLAREMONT, NOW SIT ON THIS JAGOV. and then you thrust a big spiky metal bat in his face and imply that he shove it up his butt hole.

Right, and there's some crap with the Morlocks, who still live in the giant cavernous tunnels the City of New York decided to build and maintain in their sewer system for no reason, even though everyone knows water and sewer lines are just fucking pipes, and not these elaborate tunnel systems. Anyway, we'll see more of the Morlocks a little later on.

And the art is more of the serviceable but not my favorite stuff from John Romita Jr and the inking is totally inconsistent which leads me to believe that Bob Wiacek didnt do all of it because Bob Wiacek is the man.

Next issue, some REALLY shitty inking and art but a pretty cool story. so suck my dick, i'm a shark!