X-MEN 116: TO SAVAGE THIS ASS, LAD

Ka-Zar takes his X-Pals up a mountain, who's boulders spell out the real title of this issue - TO SAVE THE SAVAGE LAND - so he can show the X-Fellas what the savage land must be saved from, and does not, alternatively, tell an underage male prostitute what he expects him to do in order to obtain the coke riddled twenty dollar bill he's waving in front off his impoverished, pimpled face.

Nope, luckily for some imaginary boy hooker, Ka-Zar needs the X-Mans to stop Garokk, the recently resurrected evil Sun God of Who Knows What, from totally fucking up the Savage Land. However, the only negative consequence of Garokk's dastardly machination evident thus far is that it is now winter in the Savage Land, and there is NEVER winter in the Savage Land.

Now, this may sound like no big fuckin deal to most people, especially those already accustomed to arctic climes, and they'd be right. Oooh, winter, fuckin so what? And normally I'd agree, but just this weekend my suburban Mid-Atlantic home was recently buried under an avalanche of fucking snow. There are some who enjoy a pretty snowfall, but let me be perfectly clear in expressing my opinion with regards to partaking in a wintery wonderland.

FUCK SNOW. FUCK IT IN EACH AND EVERY ONE OF ITS INDIVIDUALLY UNIQUE CRYSTALLINE WATER ICE PARTICLES. The only people who think snow is a good thing are children and daffy slits who've never known the backbreaking joy of driveway shoveling. PEOPLE WHO THINK SNOW IS COOL DESERVE AN ASS SAVAGING OF EPIC PROPORTIONS.

So Ka-zar says Garokk needs to be stopped, because of the winter where the was no winter before, or because he is creating an apocalyptic 'new order', or 'cause of fucking whatever. Who cares. Either way I say you go and you stop him X-Men. You stop that fucking son of a bitch and you stop him good.

SO HERES WHAT HAPPENS:

Ka-Zar shows the X-Men some giant dome, which looks eerily like the Millennium Dome, where Garokk is up to no fucking good. But then they are attacked by a squadron of pterodactyl riding bad guys who start fucking the X-Men's asses right the fuck up (Pterodactyls are so hot right now). Cyclops, Banshee, Colossus and Ka-Zar are all embarrassingly captured. Way to go, losers. So Nightcrawler, Storm and Wolverine have to go rescue them. Wolverine kills a few dinosaurs and a man (brutally, too. Man, Wolverine is sooooo coool. I wish they would make MORE comics with him in them). Now they have to save the captured X-Men from getting burned alive! Check it out:

So the uncaptured X-Men set the captured X-Men free and Garokk instantly runs away (pussy). Cyclops chases him down because he is the leader and the bravest of all X-Men (go Cyclops go!). Cykeman and Garokk O'Gama get into a fierce eye blast battle and X-Man Number One is victorious, of course, and then the whole evil dome starts collapsing. Garokkface ends up falling down a pit and Storm decides that even his life is worth saving and dives down the pit after him while the rest of X-Mens and Ka-Zar escape.

It is explained through very painful and laborious exposition that Strom's morals do not allow her to stand idle as a life is in peril. What is not explained is why Strom gives a shit about an evil reincarnated sun god. Nor is one inclined to assume that Garokk would die just from falling down a pit. He's a fucking god, he was just about to ruin a whole fucking continent, he can't survive a little tumble down a well? It's also not clear what happens to the thousands of participants who are shown earlier in the stands of the fake Millennium Dome who were there to watch Garokk execute the X-Men. Presumably they all die when dome collapses. But Storm doesn't seem to mind that, because fuck those guys, right?

Then the X-Men decide its time to leave and they get on some shitty raft that the Professor from Gilligan's island would be mortified of and set sail. Unfortunately they decide to leave in the middle of a terrible storm. Oh no! What a pain in the neck! If only there was a member of the team who had a power that would allow him or her to change the weather from bad to good. If only there was an X-Men with the power to control STORMS...

Seriously, what the fuck is Storm's problem? She is fucking terrible. What a waste off a fucking costume. Storm you suck. If it weren't for that fine black ass of yours that is just begging to be savaged, I would have fired you right the fuck off the team! Ho.

Solid enough ish, though, all in all. Byrne and Austin's art is tremendous. The fake Millenium Dome is a perfect example of the prototypical sci-fi hulking construct. Big flat panels interspersed with intricate technological detail. Thats a pretty lame ass description.

here, it looks like a cross between this and this.

That's the Millennium Dome I was talking about by the way. But yeah, as always with the older bronze age stuff, it's silly and imperfect, but it's still pretty good. Claremont will do better next time he takes the X-Men to the Savage Land. Zaladane will be fleshed out a little more, besides just being a generic big titted evil witch. I'm pretty happy to leave the Savage fucking Land behind at this point though.

Great, well, so long Savage Land. See you in hell. And fucking die, god damn piece of shit snow keeping me from leaving the god damn house and meeting my dealer and then rendezvousing with the underage male prostitute I contacted through craigslist.