It's Christmas Eve in X-Man land, and you know what that means... time to stop MOSES MAGNUM from obliterating JAPAN!
Which means STORM and NIGHTCRAWLER are STORMING Moses' liar by CRAWLING THROUGH THE NIGHT! After Nightcrawler punchersizes a guards face he flashbacks to the time earlier when they were talking with some RANDOM JAPANESE SCIENTIST GUY about how they are going to STOP MOSES MAGDUMDUM.
Sorry that picture is so small but you can CLICK TO ENLARGE IT.As you can see, Moses whats everyone to surrender. For what purpose is NEVER MADE CLEAR IT ALL. It just seems Moses wants to exercise his EVIL BAD GUY PREROGATIVE by holding an ENTIRE COUNTRY HOSTAGE. Who needs fucking demands, this is Moses god damn Magnum we're talking about, buddy!
After STORB and NIGHTRAPER break in, CYCLIT, SUNFIYAH!, COLOSTOMYS AND WOLVERPEEN sneak in by burrowing underground like a bunch of ASSHOLE MOLE PEOPLE.
THEN THEY ARE ALL DEEP INSIDE MOSES' HIDEOUT AND LATER MAYBE HIS COLON.
MOSES MAGNUM has the power and size of MAGNUM P.I. and so he beats the X-Men up for a while. No, he's not wearing short-shorts nor does he sport a dago 'stache, but he does have a couple of MARK II MANDROIDS with him as well. HAH, all this talk of MAGNUMS and MANDROIDS make me think of CONDOMS!
Finally the X-Men win when BANSHEE screams his GOD DAMN HEAD OFF and almost dies. but Japan is saved. Now they can all go back to building fucking playstations and cars that ACCELERATE YOU TO DEATH.
Then, the X-Men in Japan, who everyone else STILL THINK ARE DEAD, have a little X-Mas party just for themselves, with no other friends because they are fucking losers. But they high five because they are pals and COLOSSUS and NIGHTCRAWLER are like, man, STROM is flirting with both of us but am I really up for this kind of party? I mean I like the other guy, don't get me wrong, but it's, well, it's just not my thing, you know?
And Banshee basically used up his power besting Moses Magnum so he just another worthless potato eating mic at this point. IRISH NEED NOT APPLY. Take your popish idolatry and get lost, paddy, we don't serve your kind.
Also in the last two pages Jean Grey goes back to Muir island to hang with Moira MacTaggert, MADDROX THE FUCKING MULTIPLE MAN, HAVOC AND ALSO POLARIS. Great, a fun party in the Outer Hebrides. COUNT, ME, OUT.
And some old stupid Scot douche bag named Angus MacWhirter who rented the X-Men a hovercraft that promptly got demolished in issue 104 wants revenge on the X-Men so he plans on blowing up Muir Island's MUTANT RESEARCH CENTER. What the fuck dude, you didn't have insurance on that bad boy? Then you've only got yourself to blame. No sense in taking it out on a defenseless mutant research center when it's your own poor judgement and myopic business practices that landed you in this mess. Learn from your mistake, thats the best possible outcome you can hope for in this case. Now, next time you OH GOD WHATS THAT! ITS MUTANT FUCKING X AND IT LOOKS LIKE ITS KILLING YOU OFF PANEL! HOLY SHIT YOU ARE TOTALLY DEAD NOW! FUCK!
Whats the deal with Mutant X? Probably something we'll find out in later issues (HINT: WE WILL).
So that does it for X-Men Essentials Volume one. We've made it through the first 27 appearances of the ALL NEW ALL DIFFERENT X-MEN, and what an exciting fun time for pals we had. Lots of improvement over the run. From a publication stand point, GS X-MEN #1 came out in May of 1975. X-Men #119 in August 1979. So over 4 years. That's a pretty long time. Nerds graduate college in less time than that.
I'll probably get around to doing a Essential Vol 1 retrospective of sorts as soon I have nothing better to do, which could mean it'll happen tomorrow, since I'm still buried under a mountain of GOD DAMN COCKSUCKING DICKLICKING SNOW. Or I could get back to doing all the school work I'm supposed and, oh yeah, finding a motherfucking job.
Whatever, I love the X-Men so maybe I'll just keep reading them AND YOU GO AHEAD AND YOU TRY AND STOP ME. YOU TRY AND YOU DIE. THATS RIGHT, I DO WHAT I WANT.
No comments:
Post a Comment