X-MEN 120: FLAUNTED: WOLVERINE'S DONGER, OH MY!

So where has 25 comics of ALL NEW ALL DIFFERENT X-Men gotten us? Pretty fucking far when you consider how terrible some of the very first issues were. Not that those pointless issues of zero character development and generic Villain Of The Months were totally without redeeming qualities, its just that they clearly turned a corner for the better once Byrne came on as co-plotter/penciler.

I was thinking of doing a kind of retrospective of a then and now comparison and shit but, on second thought, fuck that. Or, to put it another way: who really gives a shit anyway? These new issues are still pretty fucking dumb too, so let's just plow ahead.

Heh heh, plow.

Ok, so there's Weapon Alpha, the Canadian dickface from issue 109, talking to some schmucky Candian scientist who explains to Weapon Alpha: "Wolverine: Wanted dead or alive!"

Weapon Alpha (who has no code name yet) says he'll round up Alpha Flight, Canada's gay version of the X-Men, to track Wolverine down, because the Canadian government spent a lot of money training Wolverine and are still pissed that he quit to join the X-Men way back in Giant Size X-Men #1.

To get Wolverine back on Team Maple Leaf, one of the Alpha Flightians, Shaman, who is a Shaman, casts a spell to make the X-Men's jet (which they were planning on taking home from Tokyo, where they had just finished fucking up Moses fuggin Magnum) land in Calgary instead of New York. Then X-Men and Alpha Flight start fighting in fucking Calgary! Except not really. The X-Men avoid an initial confrontation and then they split up and go shopping like assholes and a few of them get picked off and the real show down is teased for next issue in a cliffhanger.

So that's it, a real cock tease of a fucking issue. Also, at one point, Weapon Alpha confronts Banshee at a clothing boutique (I told you they really did go fucking shopping) and they have a spirited exchange:

Spalpeen! Really Claremont? It's cool looking back now, what with the innerwebs and everything, at all the ridiculous random minutia Claremont crams in. A word or two in German for Nightcrawler, a sprinkling of Russian for Colossus, random landmarks in exotic locales to show off his learned/traveled ways. I just can't help thinking that it's all a big stroke off for Claremont since 99% of it is going to go right over the head of the typical reader. This was still in the days of comics ACTUALLY being just for kids. This is 1979. There were some adult readers and local comic specialty shops, but most sales were still done at newsstands and spinner racks in supermarkets and convenience stores. Putting things like The Calgary Tower is an all right touch (although I suspect that was more Byrne's doing, since he is a dirty Canuck and went to art school in Calgary - BYRNE FUN FACT #1), but fucking spalpeen? Just stop jagging me off with that nonsense, already.

Although I'll be honest, spalpeen is an amazing word.

Also a fun fact from my time nerding it up on the world wide dorkmesh, Claremont and Byrne couldn't agree on a code name for Weapon Alpha, so he doesn't have one! What a loser! You see Claremont wanted to call him Vindicator. A fairly benign supery sounding name. But Byrne objected on the grounds that Canada never had a revolution per se, as such had nothing to vindicate. Wow, what a couple of fags. I think they later settled on Guardian. Or some shit.

Oh and get this, one of members of Alpha Flight is the indigenous tribesman (the Shaman guy) named Michael Twoyoungmen. Of all the fucking silly Indian names you could come up with, TWOYOUNGMEN is what you choose? It's like the Wayne's World bit where he orders Chinese food and asks for the Cream of Sumyounguy. Except theres no joke. It's like, check out my Indian friend, Daniel Frotswithdix, and his wife, Elizabeth Twobigtits. Just an awful, awful decision.

The rest of Alpha Flight are no big deal. Northstar, Snowbird, Sasquatch and Aurora. Those all sound like Canadian superheroes to me. Two Quebecers, a Scot and a Polack. Sure, fine.

Also of note, Wolverine, who is smoking the entire time because he is a fucking bad ass, gives Mariko, the Jap babe from japan, a Chrysanthemum, in a nod to the Japanese Imperial throne of the same name as the flower. So Wolverine shows his soft side again AND more bits of his past are hinted at, with the fucking Canadians all up his ass with bullshit. FUN!

Oh and Banshee used up all his powers on that weirdo Garokk back in the Savage fuggin Land so he's useless now. And Claremont keeps guest staring and name dropping randos from the Iron Fist comic he is writing concurrently. Quit that shit man, you're discombobulating the X-verse.

So next issue we'll see the X-Bags take on those fucking Canadian Spalpeens. OH SUPER.