Oh no! Colossus is being crushed by a giant garlic press in the Danger Room! Is it because he should instead be crying for the children?
Nope! It's because Cyclops wants to test the limits of his super fucking strength!
Wolverine doesn't think he is trying hard enough though, so he pops his claws into the danger room controls (that's not all he pops! haha! terrible obvious joke!) disabling the failsafe and then goes into the Danger Room to talk to shit to Petey. When Wolvie stands in between the huge garlic press, Colossus has no choice but to break the whole fucking danger room so he doesnt squash Wolverine and himself!
Cyclops is glad to see Colossus motivated, but he is still suspect of Wolvie's renegade style. "I applaud what he did Peter, but his methods could've gotten you both killed," Scott Summers explains.
Elsewhere, meaning UP IN FUCKING SPACE, Xavier is cooling out with his lady friend Lilandra. She has been officially crowned Empress of the Shiar Empire. So Chuck's got a suger moma. Good for him. No need to shed tear one for those fuckin kids where your slamming hot alien poon and have an entire alien empire at your beck and call.
Then jean Grey is hanging out in Scotland where she bumps into some weirdo in mutton chops. He's dressed like an Victorian court fop and goes by the name Jason Wyngarde. He's incredibly charming but there is some SERIOUSLY GRAVE FORESHADOWING GOING ON. SPOLIER ALERT: it is because he is really that faggot Mastermind!
Also two Scottish dildos are crying about that other dildo, Angus MacWhirter, who was killed a couple of issues ago on Muir Island by a mysterious unnamed bad guy while trying to get revenge on the X-Men for destroying his hovercraft. Yeah sure, why not? Get all the mileage you can out of that guy, Claremont.
Then Cyclops goes on a date with hot piece of ass Colleen Wing. Being a doofus, Summers asks, "Colleen, am I... Stuffy?"
"Like King Tut's Tomb, sport," replies Colleen. OH MY, HOW FLIRTATIOUS. TOO BAD NO ONE SEEMS TO BE GIVING A SHIT ABOUT THIS CHILDREN I WAS TOLD TO CRY FOR IN THIS COMIC'S TITLE.
Oh wait, there's Storm, going back to her childhood home in Harlem (even though it would make a whole lot more fucking sense if her childhood home was fucking Africa, but that's not my call). Storm's old digs have fallen into a state of desrepair, and it's safe to say they are in no danger of being gentrified anytime soon. She even discovers some children who look like they deserve some form of pity or something.
Ah ha! So THOSE are the youngins we asposed to be blubberin over. Strom tries to save all the innocent chilluns she's discovered in her former abode turned crack den, but being ravenous drug addicts, they instantly attack her with knives. If only Storm would just cough up some bucks so disadvantaged youths could get back to shooting up junk, nobody would need to be hurt. Unfortunately, always the party pooper, Storm just fucks them all up with a hurricane.
What the fuck is your problem Storm? You don't like parties?
Also Powerman shows up, afro and all, because its a comic book so that type of coincidence is normal.
We we also see Cyclops saying good bye to Colleen Wing who leaves the X-Mansion for New York but not before giving Cyclops a key to her apartment and an implied invitation to stuff her gaping woman cave with throbbing mutant tube steak whenever he wants.
And finally there are two pages of Juggernaut and Black Tom Cassidy hiring Miss Locke and Arcade, both of whom are assassins who will be fucking with the X-Mans in the next few issues. Great, new villains for the X-Men, thats wonderful. And these two new ones consist of a long haired woman in a sexy dress and a red headed punk in a big garish white suit and over sized bow tie. Yep, this a comic from the 70's all right.
All things considered - included the fact that I spent way to long recapping it and watching men's figure skating on the Olympics instead of studying for an accounting quiz I have tomorrow - this is probably my favorite issue so far. Light on the action, but absolutely engorged with mutant angst. And since these are bronze age X-Men, that means all these ideas are fresh and new and not tired and stale. And the characters are starting to feel like real people, for costumed super heroes anyway, so they'll be a little more fun to root for during their mindless punchfests.
Also, I must say, great depiction of a crack den. I can't do Byrne and Austin's art justice but it's like 10 well toned (ie healthy) kids of various ethnicities (lest Marvel appears racist), in a one bedroom dump. Walls covered in graphitti (most of names of other Marvel Comics professionals) and KISS posters (yup, the band), floors littered with garbage and mattresses stacked on unidentifiable crates. SOUNDS LIKE A CRACK DEN IN HARLEM TO ME!
Ten of those fucking kids in a room! Really fantastic stuff. Made me wanna bawl my fucking eyes out, anyway.
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