X-MEN 121: It SHOT OUT when STAN PEED

Canada has fucked with the WRONG AMERICAN MUTANTS! Cyclops, Colossus and Strom on a rampage up North, looking for the missing X-Men kidnapped by their Canadian counterparts, Alpha Flight. As they are in Calgary, it looks like this is going to be a real SHOOT-OUT AT THE STAMPEDE!

The Calgary Stampede is, allegedly, a real place, and that's where the X-Men go looking, in order to be in compliance with the title of this issue. And wouldn't you know it? That's where Alpha Flight is keeping the X-Knobs they've absconded with. HOW VERY CONVENIENT. Ok so they make some bullshit about Strom being able to trace their movement through the air or some such nonsense, but whatever, it's finally here, the fight we've all be waiting for: ALPHAGS LIGHT VS. THE X-MUNCHERS! yesss!!!!

SO WHO WINS? Well it's pretty much a draw. Alpha Flight is holding back (pussies), because they don't REALLY want to hurt the X-Farts, they just want Wolverine back BECAUSE YOU DON'T TURN YOUR BACK ON JOHNNY CANUCK. NO SIR. And the X-Men are fighting like shit because Cyclops hasn't had proper time to effectively strategize. Because if he did, well, then ALL OF CANADA WOULD BE FUCKED.

It all comes to a head when Storm, trying to actually be useful for once, brings Shaman's raging tempest under control (which was earlier threatening to destroy all of Calgary), although it leaves her weak and vulnerable. Cyclops decides they've been fighting long enough and ZARKS Northstar in the face and is about to pound him into oblivion (you go cyclops!) when Wolverine stops him and turns himself in, because Wolverine has been acting like a giant pussy lately and he doesn't want anyone to get hurt over what he sees is a personal battle.

QUEER.

Wolverine gives himself up to the fucking Canadian police who put him in a fucking armored van. "This cage was specially designed for you, shorty. You couldn't bust loose in a million years." The Canadian donut eating bacon slab informs Wolvie. And the X-Men, satisfied by this conclusion, take off in their jet again. "So long and fuck you Wolverine," I imagine them saying to themselves.

But then, surprise surprise, Wolverine is actually on the jet! He snuck on after busting out of the van! "But how?! That truck - I thought--!" interrobangs a flabbergasted Cyclops. "Yeah. So did Jimmy Hudson (Weapon Alpha/Vindicator). Trouble is, the cage ain't been built that can hold me," dutifully replies Wolverine. GOOD TO KNOW!

So just like the end of a lame sit-com, everything is right back to the way it was.

Decent effort all around. The fight was enjoyable, and Canada's first super heroes (of the Marvel Universe, anyway) get to strut their stuff for the very first time. The ending was completely contrived but, eh, what do you expect for 1979? But over all, very tight, focused, action packed issue.

And I guess Claremont won the battle off wills by this time (it helps to be the scripter, and thus have the absolute final word on what the characters say) since Weapon Alpha is now very assertively referring to himself as The Vindicator! Many years later when John Byrne is writing and drawing Alpha Flight in their very own series I'm pretty sure he changes it back to Guardian. Gorwn men bickering over the code name of a Canadian super hero! Thrilling!

The issue ends with the implication that the X-Men are finally going to go back to the X-Mansion. Only problem is Xavier's up in outer fucking space with his alien bird girlfriend Empress Lilandra, and Jean Grey has fucked off to who knows where because everyone is convinced those X-Men are dead (ever since they got buried under Magneto's sub-volcanic liar in X-Men 113). So what kind of homecoming can the X-Wads expect? Oooh, such suspense! THIS IS HIGH QUALITY DRAMA RIGHT HERE.