X-MEN 263: THE LOWER DEPTHS... OF MY BOWELS!!!

I JUST REALIZED FORGE'S NAME IS A PUN ON A BLACKSMITH'S FORGE, AT WHICH ONE WOULD FASHION NEW WEAPONS OF STEEL.

 

FOR A BLACK WIND FIRE AND STEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEL!!!!!!!!

 

ACTUALLY DO FEEL KIND OF STUPID ABOUT THAT ONE. THATS LIKE, 20+ YEARS OF NOT GETTING VERY OBVIOUS WORDPLAY.

 

WHATEVER, BACK IN MY DAY, RAD NEW CHARACTERS HAD NAMES THAT DIDN'T MEAN A GOD DAMN THING, LIKE DEADPOOL, CABLE AND DOMINO. AND THEIR POWERS WERE ILL DEFINED AND THEIR COSTUMES HAD RANDOM SHOULDER PADS AND TONS OF POCKETS FILLED WITH NOTHING. AND VERY TINY FEET!

 

THOSE WOULD BE ALL ROB LIEFELD CREATIONS BY THE WAY.

 

OKAY ENOUGH REMINISCING. WE'VE A FAIRLY SHITTY COMIC TO READ!

 

 NOT AN UNDECENT WARFACE, IF I'M BEING HONEST.

GOD I HOPE THIS ISSUE HAS MORE TENTACLE PORN.

OH YES, WONDERFUL.

SOME MORE FREAKS HERE.

 SO SICK OF YOU FREAKS.

UM... NICE PURSE?

HEY I JUST THOT OF SOMETHING, WHERE DOES A WOMEN KEEP HER TAMPONS? IN HER PURSEY! HAHA. OK MAYBE NOT. MOVING ON.

FREEDOM ISN'T FREE, FORGE.

IT COST A BUCK OF FIVE. HAHA TEAM AMERICA. GOOD ONE DYNAMO.

FUCKIN MORLOCK!

SO THAT EXPLAINS THIS ISSUE!

Or does it?

So Forge and Mouthless Banshee and The Many Tentacled Jean Grey go into the Morlock tunnels and rescue amnesiac Peter Nicholas nee Rasputin from Masque, the evil Morlock. Masque escapes but not before Forge saves the day because he can invent Deus Ex Machinas at will.

And the big twist is....... Colossus' dream girl is really former Morlock turned X-Man ally Calisto! You see, Masque took Calisto, a one eyed, gross looking tom boy, and turned her into a gorgeous model with massive fun bags. But everyone else he turned into hideous goblin creatures. SEE HOW IT IS A TWIST?!?!

Not sure if we see Colossus ever again but he's been basically written out of the comic book, to live happily ever after with Calisto, no matter if she turns fugly again, Colossus only cares about what's inside. Inside her sweet sweet poonany of course. No just kidding, Colossus has the heart of gold. He just needed her to be hot to be attracted at first, then she could let her looks go. Kinda like real people!

And what else? Well, the art is not good. And Forge has more Nam flashbacks. And Jean Grey actually kind of likes having tentacles. And fed agent Dr Valarie Cooper hangs out with her Russian counterpart in some douche Washington DC night club. HEY MAYBE IT'S FUR. FUCK FUR.

K I'm done. Not sure why I'm putting these up at such a torrid pace but maybe I'm just trying to get these pre Jim Lee's over with. Either way, dunzo.

X-Men 262: Scary Man Turds

GLAD I WENT WITH THE MANIAC MANSION PIC AND NOT WHAT I ORIGINALLY GOOGLE IMAGE SEARCHED FOR. IT WAS JAPANESE TENTACLE PORN AND IT WAS ALL BAD. VERY VERY BAD.

 

I ALSO MAILED IN THE TITLE, BUT SO DID CLAREMONT, SO WE'RE EVEN THERE.

 

YEAH COOL THIS IS TOTALLY NORMAL. JUST A NICE NORMAL PICTURE OF A REGULAR EVERYDAY REDHEADED WOMAN. NO BIG WHOOP.

I WILL NEVER EVER EVER WATCH AN EPISODE OF THE WEST WING ON PURPOSE. WHO THE FUCK SEEKS OUT SHOWS LIKE THAT? NETWORK TV POLITICAL DRAMA? FUCK THAT SHIT. FUCK IT DEEPLY.

COOL PARTY DUDES, GUESS MY INVITE GOT HELD UP BY MY SPAM BLOCKER. NO WORRIES, JUST TEXT ME FOR THE NEXT ONE.

PARTY FOUL, BRO. NOT COOL.

HERE'S SOME TOTALLY FUCKED UP SHIT.

I'M SICK OF YOU FREAKS.

 

This was a weird one, if you couldn't tell. Doesn't help that we get a pretty so-so guest penciler, Kieron Dwyer. He's not terrible, but he's no Marc Silvestri, who's since moved on to the Wolverine solo comic book. I also think Dwyer is John Byrne's step son, but I could be wrong and I don't feel like looking it up. 

 

OK I looked it up and it's true. But who gives a shit. Point is Silvestri is no more and that is sad. And Jim Lee needs some time to draw a bunch of issues so he can become the regular artist and still make deadlines so we have a slew of guest draughtsman on the way. None of them particularly good. It's probably due to Marvel going to a twice a  month shipping schedule so they can stack up that adolescent allowances. Get that paper Marvel.

 

I also didn't start regularly collecting new issues for another few months or so, maybe a year, and I remember picking up these issues a year after they were published and trying to piece together all the storylines nonsequentially. Obviously that didn't go well and I was super fucking confused. I was also reading classic X-Men, which was reprinting Cockrum's second run (I think) and would get the continuity all fucked into a massive cluster.

 

But what the fuck did I care, I was ten years old and had ten bucks a week to spend on bullshit. So there you go, that was my fucking life. Very interesting, I know.

 

Anyway, with the Dazzler story wrapped up, (I think she's done for the remainder of the Claremont run) and Wolveroonie's Asian adventures on pause, the Forge/Banshee and Colossus storylines are featured. Colossus still has amnesia and is still hanging out with Genoshan runaways. Forge and Banshee randomly run into Jean Grey who then get bufu'd by Masque and the Morlocks, who are really into the whole tentacle thing right now.

 

We also get some flashbacks to Forge's time in the Nam. He was in the shit. He's been to the bad bush and I don't mean what's between ol mama-san's legs. Anyway, fuck him he still sucks.

 

And nothing gets resolved this issue so let's just wrap this up and see what happens next week. Great plan, NEXT!

X-MEN 261: Harrier's Fupa

BECAUSE I JUST DIDN'T FEEL LIKE PUTTING 'CUNT' IN THE TITLE. MAN I MUST BE GETTING OLD. 

 

NOW YOU FORGOT! SHINEMAN! WASH YOUR HANDS!

I HAVE A ITINERARY MR WATSON.

HAHA, NICK OF TIME, UNDER RATED MOVIE FOR SURE.

I LOVED THESE TYPES OF SPREADS. A WHOLE SET OF DOPE NEW CHARACTERS, OF VARYING SKILLS, PERSONALITIES AND ETHNICITIES. OFTEN THIER CODENAMES TELL YOU EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW.

 

THIS WAS ONE OF THE FIRST X-MEN COMICS I (OR ONE OF MY BROTHERS) EVER PICKED UP OFF THE NEWSTAND AND I MUST HAVE READ IT A BILLION TIMES.

 

AND MY READ I MEAN LOOKED AT THE PICTURES AND THEN REENACTED THE SCENES WITH GI JOES.



THAT GUYS NAME IS "AXE". NO SHIT.

I CALL THIS "THE MANY FACES OF JUBILEE". ACTUALLY TOOK ME A LITTLE WHILE TO PUT TOGETHER. THESE ARE ALL FROM JUST TWO CONSECUTIVE PAGES AND IT SHOWS WHY MARC SILVESTRI IS THE MASTER AND WE MUST ALL BOW DOWN.

SERIOUSLY, THINK OF SOME DIFFERENT EMOTIONS AND THEN TRY DRAWING THEM WITH A FACE SO THAT A STRANGER WOULD KNOW WHAT THOSE EMOTION ARE. ITS FUCKING HARD. YOU CAN'T DO IT. DON'T FUCKING LIE YOU CAN DRAW SHIT. ADMIT IT. FUCKING ADMIT YOU ARE SHIT AND SILVESTRI IS GOD. YEAH, THATS WHAT I THOUGHT.

THIS SCENE IS THE TITS.

LA LA LA, SITTING AT A TABLE, EATING SOME FOOD, WITH MY BACK TO THE WALL, TOTALLY SAFE AND OH FUCK!

HEY WHO WANTS SOME NIGHTMARES?!?

PAM?

DON'T WORRY, ITS THE LATE 80'S EARLY 90'S, ONE OF THOSE PIZZAS HAS ANCHOVIES.

ANOTHER AWESOME SCENE. SILVESTRI IS KING, REKANIZE.

RATHER ABRUPT ENDING. BASICALLY YOU CAN SKIP THE WHOLE BOOK AND JUST READ THIS PANEL AND YOU'D GET EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW.

BUT THEN YOU'D MISS OUT ON ALL THE FUCKING EXCELLENCE.

THIS COMIC RULED. A+

Wolverine, Jubilee and Psylocke are in Madipoor and they fight Wolverine's pals, Hardcase and the Harriers, for practice. That's it.

BUT HAVE I MENTIONED IT WAS FUCKING AWESOME?????

Also some subplots are moved forward a bit. Donald Pierce and the Reavers are still out there, and they approach that woman who I thought died in the plane crash last issue, Cylla, or whatever her name is, and ask her if she wants to be part of their killer cyborg gang. Cylla is in a hospital and missing a leg and they don't really give her much of a choice. But why the fuck WOULDN'T you want to be a killer cyborg? God damn I wish someone would give me that option. So sweet.

Also Jean Grey shows up out of no where (she's supposed to be hanging out with the rest of the original X-Men in her own comic book, X-Factor) and gets ambushed by the Morlocks at the ruins of the destroyed X-Mansion. Forge and Banshee observe from the undestroyed X-Mansion basement like a bunch of creeps and do nothing to save her. That's because they suck. Well Forge sucks anyway.

Also the first page of the book is a splash page of a bunch of photos of Jubilee, Psylocke and Wolviepoo. But Psycloke and Wolverine are supposed to be invisible to cameras and shit. And they can't be old pictures because Psycloke is Asian, which just happened a few issues ago. SO WHAT THE FUCK.

I guess sometimes comic books lie to you. Motherfucker.

Anyway, very good ish. Next one has way more Forge and Banshee! Great!*

*Not great.

X-MEN 260: STAR 69

STAR 69 IS ACTUALLY A SONG BY FATBOY SLIM RIGHT? I SUPPOSE I COULD JUST LOOK IT UP.

 

ANYWAY, THE COVER TURNED OUT NICELY!

 

FUCKIN CARL MONDAY.

 SO THAT CRAZY JAGOV ON THE COVER WANTS TO KILL DAZZLER.

 SO HE PRACTICES ON MANAQUINS. NORMAL SO FAR.

DAZZLER IS IN SOME MOVIE OR SOME SHIT. TRY THE PENIS IN THE POPCORN BRO.

 COLOSSUS' DREAM WOMAN ALMOST GETS RAPED. PHEW!

THE GUY WHO WANTS TO KILL DAZZLER IS INVOLVED IN SOME SLAPSTICK. WACKITTY SMACKITTY!

DAZZLER DRESSES LIKE COMMON STREET TRASH. LIKE A REAL HOOKER.

THESE MCPOYLE-ESQUE TWINS ARE CALLED FENRIS. THEY ARE DICKS. THEY KILL SOME WOMAN NAMED CYLLA, WHO WAS HANGING OUT WITH BANSHEE AND FORGE, WHO HAVE BOTH LEFT MUIR ISLAND.

SO SHE'S DEAD.

THIS GUY, BEALE I THINK, IS SUPER GAKKED OUT ON BLOW. FUN.

DRUGS.

So Dazzler doesn't die but hypnotizes this guy with mind bullets PTEW PYEW PYEW (or if you are the New York Giants 1st round draft pick of 2013, PUGH PUGH PUGH).

Colossus still has amnesia. And, uh, I dunno, I guess that's it. A mostly Dazzler issue. Pretty meh. Though I am really enjoying Silvestri's art. Perfect blend of cartoon and realism.

OK whatever, this issue is done.

X-Men Annual 13: Double Crap

I forgot about this annual because none of it is written by Chris Claremont. It's also quite shit.

 

Although it's always fun when the X-Men play baseball.

 

But for real its crap, and I'm not wasting any more time on this turd. 



X-Men 259: Dream a Little Cream Dream Supreme

THE SUPER HIPSTER X-MEN ARE IN BOTH SOHO, NEW YORK CITY AND VENICE, CALIFORNIA. SO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS... HEROIN AND BUTT PLUGS FOR EVERYONE!!!

 

I WONDER WHAT EL GUAPO HAS TO SAY ABOUT THE X-MEN HANGING OUT IN SUCH TRENDY NEIGHBORHOODS?

DON - YOU - EVER - DO DIS!

HEY BRO, NICE DICK.

YOU'RE ON WFAN, GO AHEAD CALLER.

YEAH HEY THIS IS MAGISTRATE FROM BAYONNE, I JUST WANTED TO TALK ABOUT  HOW MUCH AROD SUCKS.

HEY GUYS, I GOT THE MOVIE, GET THE REEL TO REEL READY SO WE CAN ALL JERK OFF!

SO GLAD I GREW UP AFTER THE INVENTION OF VCRS.

SO WHATS NEW AT MUIR ISLAND? STILL INFESTED WITH FORGE, HUH? WELL THAT BLOWS.

WHAT IS THIS, MULHOLLAND DRIVE OR GLENGARRY GLEN FUCKIN ROSS?

HEY NERD, PLAY BAKER STREET OR FUCK RIGHT OFF.

BETTER YOUR PIECE THEN YOUR COCK, RIGHT BUDDY? HEH HEH HEH HEH.

ZARK.

THIS WAS JUST AN AD IN THE COMIC BUT IT IS SO GREAT I INCLUDED IT ANYWAY.

I LOVE YOU ROBOCOP.

We haven't seen what happened to Colossus or Dazzler since they waltzed thru the Siege Perilous aka the Magic Mirror of Plot Generation. Clossus wakes up butt ass naked (Terminator reference?) in some Soho apartment that is also inhabited by those kids from Genosha. Remember those fuckers? Eh, whatever.

Anyway, there is a fight with some Genoshan bad guys and Colossus and the good Genoshans win.... for now. Except Colossus has amnesia and doesn't know that he has awesome mutant powers. So he just draws a bunch of pictures like a true jagov.

Dazzler wakes up, also with amnesia, on some private SoCal beach owned by her ex-bandmate, Lila Cheney (btw, Dazzler was in a band with Lila Cheney). By the way, Claremont, there are no private beaches in California.

There's also some shit about Dazzler the movie and some dipshit named Fred. Dazzler was in, like, 50 solo issues of Dazzler, the Comic Book, that weren't written by Claremont so I don't really know whats going on but who gives a shit. Claremont tries to keep us informed but, eh, whatever. Also there is a nice early appearance of Lila Cheney's bouncer, Gudio, later to be known as Strong Guy, and look and act totally different in Peter David's very excellent run in X-Factor.

We also check in on Muir island and things are still fucked and Forge is still a moldy butt cake. I think the Muir Island stuff was supposed to be some big over arching plot that would run in the background and all come to a head in issue 300. Except editorially mandated cross overs and Claremont quitting about 20 issues before that put the kibosh on that plan.

Did I just use the word kibosh? Fuck.

Anyway, Genoshan dickheads and some spaz named Larry Beale swear revenge on Colossus and Dazzler respectively. So I guess that's happening next.

X-MEN 258: BRO CAN CHANGE

I'M ON A TIGHT SCHEDULE SO HERE'S THE SHORT, SHORT VERSION:THE MANDARIN PUSSES OUT AND THE X-MEN WIN. PSYLOCKE IS NOW AN ASIAN NINJA, WOLVERINE IS STILL CRAZY, AND JUBILEE IS WITH THEM ON A BOAT.

 

A FUCKING BOAT MOTHERFUCKER.

 

I PUT JORDAN BURROUGHS ON THE COVER BECAUSE HE IS A CHAMPION FROM NEW JERSEY WITH 'ERNEST' FOR A MIDDLE NAME, JUST LIKE ME. EXCEPT INSTEAD OF HAVING ALL THE X-MEN COMICS, BURROUGHS IS AN OLYMPIC GOLD MEDALISTS. PRACTICALLY THE SAME THING, REALLY.

WOLVERINE NEEDS TO CONCENTRATE SO HE CAN TEAR OFF A REALLY SATISFYING FART. FRRRRRRRT!

JUBILEE IS LIKE 14 YEARS OLD BUT SHE MAKES THESE PROFESSIONAL NINJAS LOOK LIKE DOG SHIT. OH WELL, SHE IS A FUCKING SUPER HERO I GUESS.

THIS PANEL IS REALLY CREEPY.

BREAK DANCE FIGHTING! HAHA, ZOOLANDER, STILL FUNNY!

SMOOTH BELCHES! ALSO FUNNY! FOREVER!

COMIC RELIEF! NICE ONE CLAREMONT AND LEE! 

HAHA YEAH OKAY WHATEVER PSYCLOKE. SHUT UP.

ALL THE NINJAS JUST SHIT THEMSELVES! WOLVERINE IS TO NINJAS AS CHRISTIANS ARE TO LIONS!

 PSYLOCKE STRIKES WITH HER 'ATTACK VAGINA'!

HAHA, THE BURTON BATMAN MOVIES WERE DUMB. FUN TO WATCH BUT TOTALLY FUCKING STUPID.

ALSO WOLVERINE LOVES THAT TWO CLAWS ON EITHER SIDE OF THE NECK 'DONT MAKE ME POP MY MIDDLE CLAW, BUB' MOVE SO MUCH.

THE X-MEN WIN AND ARE ON A BOAT. THE END.

A fun 3 part series that established the Psylocke, Wolverine, Jubilee trio that will be a mini group for a while. Still have no idea why they turned Psylocke into an Asian ninja. IT IS NEVER EXPLAINED. She just washed up on the shore that way after going through the Siege Perilous. Hah. OK COMIC BOOKS, IF YOU SAY SO.

And Jim Lee is now a legendary master. Also signals the end of the Bronze age and start of the 'Modern' Age or whatever the fuck the 90's and early 00s in comics history are called. Either way, its the age in which I bought a mega fuck load of comics. So hooray for that.

OK, gotta run!