X-Men 253: SPERM WORMING

ITS BAD NEWS FOR THE MUTANT NAMED STORM, WHICH WE ARE WARNED ABOUT THROUGH THE FORESHADOWING TECHNIQUE OF A HUMONGOUS, LITERAL STORM. BUT WHEN ISN'T IT BAD NEWS ON THE HORIZON FOR THE X-MEN? NEVER. SO SHUT UP WITH THE 'STORM WARNINGS' ALREADY WILL YOU?

 

IT TAKES TOO LONG AND I'M TOO LAZY TO MS PAINT EACH INDIVIDUAL PANEL SO I'M JUST GOING TO POST THEM AND MAYBE WRITE SOME SHIT. OTHERWISE I'LL NEVER GET THROUGH ALL THE X-MEN COMICS, WHICH IS THE PLAN, BECAUSE I OWN THEM ALL AND I WANT PROOF FOREVER ON THE INTERNET OF MY MAGNIFICENT ACCOMPLISHMENT!

 

SO AS THE COVER SUGGESTS, WE'VE A LOT OF SUBPLOTS AND ITINERANT X-MEN TO CHECK UP ON, SO LET'S GET TO IT, SHALL WE!?

 

 

NOT ENOUGH FULL PANEL SOUND EFFECTS IN COMICS THESE DAYS. LOOK AT THAT LETTERED THUNDERCLAP. YOU CAN FEEL THE POWER. DE-AGED PREPUBESCENT STORM IS IN THE MIDDLE OF ONE MAJOR FUCKIN STORM RIGHT NOW.

SHE'S IN CAIRO, ILLINOIS. WHICH IS PRONOUNCED KAY-ROW ILL-UH-NOY. BECAUSE FUCK LETTERS, RIGHT?

ANYWAY, SHE ENDS UP IN A HOSPITAL. ITS ALSO STRONGLY IMPLIED THAT HER BEING FUCKED UP IS CAUSING ALL THE INCREDIBLE STORMS RAGING AROUND THE GLOBE RIGHT NOW. FUCKING CALM DOWN, STORM, GOD DAMN IT.

A FANTASTIC EXAMPLE OF MARC SILVESTRI'S CARTOONIC ART (CARTOONIC IS OUT US EDUCATED TYPES TALK ABOUT COMIC BOOKS). THESE CYBORGS WERE ONCE REGULAR HENCHMEN WHO WERE SLICED TO PIECES BY WOLVERINE MANY ISSUES AGO. NOW THEY ARE NEW AND IMPROVED CYBORG HENCHMEN AND PROVIDE SOME DECENT COMIC RELIEF.

HAHA, CYBORG BOSS LEONARD PIERCE CUTS THAT OTHER CYBORG'S HEAD RIGHT OFF. VERY FUNNY TO ME.

SO THIS IS TOTALLY FUCKING DUMB. WOLVERINE IS THE LAST X-MEN IN AUSTRALIA AND THE RAVERS (CYBORG KILLER ASSHOLES) ARE TRYING TO KILL HIM. BUT THIS LADY DEATHSTRIKE JAPANESE CYBORG PERSON WON'T SHOOT HIM AND WOLVERINE'S NEW FRIEND, TEENAGE KOREAN AMERICAN MUTANT, JUBILEE, BECAUSE OF HER SENSE OF HONOR. SO DUMB.

"BARE BONES". HAHA, VERY FUNNY TO ME BECAUSE IT IS SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY BUT IN FACT IT IS A FUCKING TERRIBLE JOKE.

SO POLARIS, AKA LORNA DANE (STILL AWFUL), WAS IN THE SAVAGE LAND, A PREHISTORIC JUNGLE FULL OF DINOSAURS LOCATED IN ANTARCTICA AND RULED BY SUPER POWERED 'MUTATES' AND SAVAGE TRIBAL PEOPLE, AND SOME HOW GOT TURNED INTO SOME GIANT INVULNERABLE HULK TYPE AMAZONIAN. SOMETHING TO DO WITH THE MUTANT SPECTRE NAMED 'MALICE' AND SOME OTHER BITCH NAMED ZALADANE.

ANYWAY, SHES ON SOME BOAT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE OCEAN AND THE CREW MEMBERS ARE ALL FREAKING OUT. HAHA, MEMBERS.

YOU CAN TELL THIS IS A BRONZE AGE OR OLDER COMIC BY THE THOUGHT BUBBLES THAT JUST DESCRIBES EVERYTHING IN THE PANEL. YES THANK YOU POLARIS, WE CAN ALL SEE THAT HE IS SHOOTING AT YOU AND THAT THE BULLETS ARE BOUNCING OFF. FANTASTIC NARRATION, WE APPRECIATE YOU CLEARING THAT UP FOR US.

KIND OF FUN THO.

 

AMANDA SEFTON IS A GYPSY SORCEROUS AND NIGHTCRAWLERS EX-GIRLFRIEND (AND STEP SISTER. EW). HER SHE MEETS SOME OFFICER LADY FROM THE WEIRD HAPPENINGS ORGANIZATION (GET IT, WHO??? AHAHA). ANYWAY, WHO CARES THEY ARE LAME.





 

HAHA, WHAT THE FUCK? COMICS ARE SO BIZARRE. NICE OUTFIT, LADY.

ANYWAY, MAGNETO IS LOSING IT AND IS ABOUT TO QUIT THE X-MEN. HE'S NOT VERY GOOD AT BEING A GOOD GUY BUT IT WAS COOL THE WAY CLAREMONT TOOK HIM ON A 100 ISSUE REDEMPTIVE ARC. HE'S NOW THE MALCOLM X MILITANT MUTANT RIGHTS ACTIVISTS TO XAVIER'S MLK-ESQUE MUTANTS AND HUMANS LIVE IN HARMONY TYPE. HE'LL TURN INTO A FULL FLEDGED BAD GUY AGAIN BUT A MUCH MORE HUMANIZED AND FULLY CHARACTERIZED BAD GUY. YOU APPRECIATE HIS MOTIVES AND HE'S NOT JUST 'EVIL MUTANT VILLAIN'.

SO GOOD JOB CLAREMONT, I GUESS.

FORGE STILL SUCKS. HERE HE IS TRYING TO GO 'OVER THE TOP' AS AN ASTRAL PROJECTION, FIGHTING THE EVIL SHADOW KING, AMOUL FAROUK. YEP, FUCKIN COMICS.



 

THEN THIS COP IN KAYROW ILLINOIS HAS A HEART ATTACK AND BECOMES POSSESSED BY THE SHADOW KING. HE'LL TRY TO FUCK UP STORM SOON. AND THE REAVERS ARE HEADED TO MUIR ISLAND TO BUTTFUCK BANSHEE AND MOIRA MACTAGGART.

 

LOTS OF WHEELS IN MOTION IN THIS ISSUE. SETTING UP SOME MAJOR ACTION IN THE NEXT FEW ISSUES. FUN FUN FUN.