X-MEN 254: ALL NUDE, ALL DEVIANT - HERE WE GO AGAIN (ON MY OWN)

THEY MAY BE A BUNCH OF B-LIST X-MEN BUT THEY'RE PART OF AN A+ ISSUE. FUCK YEAH. ITS NO COINCIDENCE THAT THEY'RE FIGHTING THE BEST X-VILLAINS, THE KILLER, MACHINE GUN TOTING, CYBORG KILLERS, THE REAVERS.

 

IT'S ALSO RATHER PORNY, NO JOKE.







I know I'm asking for it with all the terrible, filthy puns I make, but some of the searches that people use to land on this blog is down right scary. I got like 12 hits form Germany from someone looking for "boys ballsack hanging out". Fucking sick. Also I bet I just enhanced my SEO for that topic by typing it again. GREAT. FUCKING WONDERFUL. HELLO AND WELCOME YOU REPULSIVE PERVERTS.

Thanks google, thanks a lot.

I'm not going to say that writer Chris Claremont ruins artist Marc Silvestri's beautiful landscape with a bunch of superfluous word balloons, but, yeah he ruined it.

 

Sexxy Moira MacTaggert is Irish Sean Cassidy's "Acushla" - google it. Fuckin Irish people.

 



Aaaaaaand, THATS AWESOME. That's how you kick off a comic book action sequence. By blasting a giant fucking hole in one of the lead character's chest. BLAMMO!

Nightcrawler's ex-girlfriend and forever step sister (ew) is a witch, and she used her witch power to turn her friend, Brigadier Alysade Stuart, into a elvish mermaid thing so they can breath underwater and rescue Banshee, who fell into the ocean after getting the huge fucking hole put in his chest. SURE WHY NOT, COMIC BOOKS BRAH.

 

Then Amanda Sefton the gypsy witch turns everyone into porn stars. haha. Ostensibly this happens because all the people in and around Muir Island are being influenced by the Shadow King, a kind of evil Prof Xavier, who is mind fucking with everyone and making them act like assholes. But that's never made clear in this issue and it's actually not made explicit for many issues, like years of them, later.

 

So basically we're just treated to this little glimpse of the S&M leather fetish world for fun and then we all move on. What's insane is how nonsubversive it is. Its treated so casually in the comic book, it's tame, innocent, a non-event. Just another fucking thing that happens to the X-Men, take it stride young reader.

 

Also, can any explain to me what the thing the dude is wearing? 

 

I imagine this panel is pretty funny when seen for the first time, completely out of context. So I'll let it alone without comment and move on.

 

At the beginning of Destiny's clairvoyant dream interlude, Claremont rolls out this nifty turn of phase "TIME: The frame and arbiter of our existence." Not too shabby, Claremont.

Also: Crying old lady floating space head what????

And also: "BONG"

 

One of my favorite single pages in Uncanny X-Men history. I just had to add captions. I love it so much.

 



 

Just a giant, super strong, invulnerable woman with green hair pulling on a chain hooked onto a killer cyborg with tank treads for feet while being shot at with machine guns. No big deal.

 

For whatever reason, Uzis were by far the most popular gun in the Marvel Universe.

So he's dead!

This issue, as I have mentioned, kicks all kinds of ass, despite the fact that the only "real" X-Men in it are Banshee, who is laid up with hole in his chest the entire issue (don't worry, he gets better. Because of a mutant with the super power to erase inconvenient plot points), and Polaris, who's is no longer a mistress of magnetism but a She-Hulk. And neither of them were main title characters for years. Yet some how, Claremont the master is able to pull from his rich tapestry of minor characters to craft thrilling adventure of battle and angst and cyborgs and destruction.

A couple subplot threads are also picked up, like Destiny predicting her own death and shit, Govmint Agent Valarie Cooper getting Freedom Force back together (who, along with Forge, will come to everyone's rescue next issue (SPOLIER ALERT)). Also Callisto, the nominal leader of the gross looking band of mutant outcasts, the Morlocks, is captured on her way to check up on the underground bunker beneath the ruins of the X-Mansion by the current leader of the Morlocks, Masque. Also, Legion, Xavier's schizofrentic love child, is going crazy.

Then big dumb Morlock Sunder is murdered with bullets.

Just a real fun issue of fighting and guns and magic and leather daddies. Can't wait for next ish!