X-Men 256: The Kilo Weighs a Lot

NOPE, NO POINT TO THAT TITLE. JUST DIDN'T FEEL LIKE THINKING OF A BETTER ONE.

 

THIS ISSUE IS TOTALLY FUCKED UP. THE JIM LEE'S ART IS INCREDIBLE BUT THE PLOT MAKES NO GOD DAMN SENSE. CLAREMONT TRIES SOME COOL IDEAS AND THERE'S ALL SORTS OF FACSINATING SHIT GOING ON BEHIND THE SCENES AT THE TIME BUT WHEN I FIRST READ THIS AS AN ADOLESCENT WAS THUROUGHLY FUCKING CONFUSED. REREADING NEARLY 20 LATER ADDS VERY LITTLE CLARITY.

 

SO LETS JUST SEE WHAT IS THE FUCK THAT WE'RE DEALING WITH ANYWAY.

 



ASIANS! I WONDER IF THE SPEAK ANY OTHER LANGUAGES? LIKE... ASIAN!

WE'VE ALSO ENTERED... COMPANY WIDE CROSSOVER TERRITORY!!! THE ASS OF VENGENCE! OH WAIT, THATS NOT THE REAL NAME. ITS THE ACTS OF VENGENCE, HO HO HO. AND ITS ACTUALLY A COOL IDEA. ALL THE VILLAINS OF THE MARVEL UNIVERSE GET TOGETHER AND AGREE TO SWITCH ENEMIES IN AN EFFORT TO STOP GET THEIR ASSES HANDED TO THEM SO OFTEN BY THE SAME HEROES THEY USUALLY GET BEATEN BY.

YEAH WELL I STILL THINK ITS A COOL IDEA.

BUT CLAREMONT IS A LITTLE BUSY WRITING THE COMPANY'S TOP SELLING TITLE, BEING PUBLISHED TWICE A MONTH AT THIS POINT (WHICH IS BI-MONTHLY, NOT BI-WEEKLY, FYI FOR YOUR HEALTH). SO HE DOESN'T RECOGNIZE THE OVERACHRING STORY GOING ON IN THE REST OF THE MARVEL UNI AND JUST APPROPRIATES IRON MAN'S MAIN ANTOGONIST, THE MADARIN, SO THAT HE CAN TURN PSYLOCKE, A PURPLE HAIRED BRITISH TELEPATH, INTO A JAPANESE NINJA ASSASSIN. BECAUSE WHY NOT ITS A FUCKING COMIC BOOK YOU BUTT KNOB!

WHY AM I EXPLAINING SO MUCH, I DONT KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON EITHER!

BUT THIS GUY KNOWS THE SCORE. I WISH I COULD PULL OFF A DOUBLE BREASTED SUIT, LEATHER GLOVES AND A FU MAN CHU. AND A FLAVORFUL CIGERETTE. A DELICIOUS, SATISFYING, FLAVORFUL CIGERETTE.

THIS DUDE SEEMS COOL TOO. BLACK TUX, WHITE GLOVES, FUNKY HAIR. LOOKS LIKE SOME ELEVATORS IN THOSE PATENT LEATHER LOAFERS. WELL, HE DOES APEAR TO BE ASIAN, SO NO SUPRISE THERE, I GUESS.

OH HEY A VIKING WARRIOR FIGHT. SURE, WHATEVER. NO NEED FOR ARMOUR WHEN YOU'VE GOT A SHIELD MADE OF TWIGS AND A SHARK TOOTH NECKLACE. SLAY HIM PANTLESS WARRIOR LADY!

NOW PYSLOCKE (A PUN ON THE WORD PSYCHE, BY THE WAY. WORDPLAY!) IS AN ASIAN WITH A WEDGIE. AND THERES COLOSSUS. FUCKIN WHATS UP COLOSSUS? HEY FUCK YOU COLOSSUS!

 THEN DAZZLER GETS ELECTROCUTED. SO SHE'S DEAD.

THEN A NICE ACTION SEQUENCE BUT I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE WHY THEY ARE FIGHTING.

AND NOW MANDARIN IS GOING TO BE SMASHED BY A BOULDER! OR IS HE? NO HE'S NOT! SPOILER ALERT! BUT NOW ASIAN PSYLOCKE UNDER THE MANDARIN'S THRALL. OR IS SHE? I ACTUALLY DON'T KNOW! I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING!!!!!!!

By the way, the Mandarin's super power is he has magical rings. Yep, his power is JEWELERY!

Ok, so here's the deal: Psylocke and the rest of the X-Pals walked the Siege Perilous, some random mirror form King Arthur times that Roma, some random deity, gave them. This is the first time we see any of those particular X-Donkeys since they disappeared through the cosmic looking glass. And apparently Psylocke ended up washed up on some island in the South Pacific that JUST HAPPENED to be the secret liar of the evil ninja clan, The Hand!

Fun trivia! The Foot Clan from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is actually a parody of the Hand! Go mingle at a cocktail party with confidence now that you know that!

That Japanese dude brings Psylocke to the Mandarin to enslave her, because that's what evil ninja clans do. The Mandarin agrees and so they stick her in a water tank and send a telepath into her brain to break her spirit, or something.

Psylocke spends most of the issue in some dream world, beating up people from her past, like folks from Marvel UK comics that no one has ever seen before and confused the fuck out of me and I only learned about by googling this issue, and the rest of the X-Men, who Psylocke sees briefly in their new, post-Siege Perilous lives, before killing them.

Then she becomes the Lady Mandarin. Or something. I seriously never figured out what the fuck was going on in these issues.

All I know is I had to spend WAY too much money acquiring them a couple years after they came out because they were some of Jim Lee's first issues drawing the X-Men and Jim Lee is fucking CRAZY GOOD at drawing comic books. He basically created a whole style of drawing, which when copied by lesser talents, looked terrible and helped ruin mainstream comics for years.

So anyway, fun to look at, ambitious script by Claremont (no subplots!) but kind of a dud. And I had to spend like, $15 bucks to buy it. FUCK THAT.