X-Men Covers Throughout the Ages!

Here check out this slideshow I made of all the covers of the Poonanny Sux-Men that i did over the last couple few years. I'll add more as I do them. Wow, what an thrilling and envious life I lead!

OK back to making those millios in the REAL world. One smooth smooth HJ at a time.

X-Men 244: Laydeez nuts

HEY WHO WANTS TO SEE SOME LITTLE KOREAN GIRL THROW AROUND SOME ARTICULATE QUASI ANIMATE TRANSITORY PLASMOIDS? FUCK YEAH THAT SHIT'S AWESOME! 

GOD, DILDOMEN ARE THE WORST.

 IF YOU DIDN'T KNOW WHAT A FONZANOON WAS YET, YOU DO NOW.

YOU DUDES WANT TO GET UP IN THIS BEAV? WELL ALL RIGHT.

After the craziness of El Infierno and the death of Jean Grey's clone, Madelyne Pryor, Claremont dials back the angst and ratchets up the camp. The plot, briefly, involves the lady X-Men being bored. So they get their naked abo buddy Gateway to teleport them to the Hollywood Mall, where they go shopping, get make-overs, check out some male strippers (no really they do) and happen upon a young Korean mutant named Jubilee (her real name) that needs rescuing from some mutant hunting Ghostbuster knock-offs. The knock-offs, called the M-Squad, are aware that they are ridiculous doofuses and are played up to humorous effect. The X-Broads are also constantly cracking jokes as they slut their way through a frenzy of conspicuous consumption. I  guess mutant outlaws who the world thinks died months ago are still able to maintain decent enough credit.

I also guess it was decided that they X-Pals, while quite a diverse group of friends when compared to typical American sit-com standards, was severely lacking in the slanty eyes and sideways vaginas department. Thus, Jubilee, the Korean-American Valley Girl with the power to shoot fireworks out of her tits. Oh no wait that is Katy Perry (high five for already outdated topical reference!) Jubilee shot fireworks out of hands, like a normal person would. 

Here is an artists rendition of what Jubilee would look like with the face my Korean-American Pal, David Peene. 

A masterpiece!

The character doesn't actually look like that in this issue tho. She doesn't get that costume for another couple years, when the artist Jim Lee decided that she should exactly like Robin from The Dark Knight Returns (look it up, I'm not explaining that whole fucking book). 

Anywho, Jubliee secretly teleports back to Australia with the rest of the X-Menstrators, who probably need to get back home so they can go scrap book or yoga whatever the fuck it is that girls do. 

OK so that was a fun issue. Now I probably need to take a break from Balzac's tender Ballsack for a while. Not just this but pretty much everything I enjoy needs to come to a crashing halt, since it seems getting one's life back on track takes a surprising amount of time and energy. At least a lot more than I've been devoting to it anyway. God, why does giving a shit about your future have to be so lame!

X-Men Annual 12: Rest, Erection.

ARE YOU READY TO GAROKK AND GAROLL?

SOME COMPANY WIDE XOVER INVOLVING SOME GUY NAMED THE HIGH EVOLUTIONARY. HE HELPS THE X-MEN BEAT SOME GIANT ROBOT CONTROLLED BY THAT ASSHOLE GAROKK WHO THEN DIES (FOR LIKE THE 3RD TIME) TO RESTORE THE SAVAGE LAND TO IT'S STATUS AS A POCKET PREHISTORIC JUNGLE IN ANTARCTICA. HEY GREAT!

THEN THERE'S AN AWESOME META-COMMENTARY INVOLVING EVERYONE FAVORITE SPINELESS BLOB OF SHIT, MOJO!

HEY! HE WANTS HIS TAINT!

THE X-BABIES MAKE A CAMEO. HEY FUCK THE X-BABIES!

AND THE X-MEN ARE DRESSED AS SEXUAL DEVIANTS. HEY WHAT THE FUCK? I'M NOT EVEN KIDDING!

The main story is nothing special, Claremont doing his part to include the X-Mens in some retarded editorially mandated company wide superhero event. Art Adams is at the height of powers and kicks ass all over the pages. He really is great in this issue. And it's subtly revealed that Colossus has a love child with some slit he poked a while ago. Colossus when will you learn? You gotta wrap it up if you're gonna hit it and quit it. Come on man, you only have yourself to blame for this.

Then Claremont goes nuts on some meta commentary of the X-Men, which he has been writing for like, 12 years at this point. The disgusting tub of lard Mojo represents Marvel's corporate interests (and a little bit of  editorial/management/comic reading consumers) and complains that he needs more marketable X-Men, because he secretly videotapes their exploits in the Marvel Universe and broadcasts them live on his television network in the Mojoverse. VERY SLY MR CLAREMONT.

It's pretty awesome, and if I could have one wish I would have Claremont go back to this theme now 37 years or so after he started writing these freaks in a gnarly meta retrospective. And Arthur Adams would draw it. MAKE IT SO!

Anyway, you gotta read yourself, I'm not going to try explaining. Also here is a story I wrote and put up on Facebook that not that many people seemed to enjoy. But look, now I'm posting it, again, here, to save it on the interweb for-fucking-ever. Thanks for helping anonymously catalog my life, fuckin Google. You're the best.

It's called MIRROR MIRROR

“Here Jen, try asking this mirror who's the fairest of them all is.”

“Hah, yeah, OK, Mike. In front of all these people? I don’t need the embarrassment!”

“Oh come on, it’s just you, me, Greg and Sarah, don’t be so shy.”

“OK fine, give it here. Mirror mirror... in my hand! ...who is the fairest of the land!”

KRSHH!

“Oh my god you did not just hand me a novelty mirror!”

“Haha, oh man, Jen, you totally cracked my mirror by looking at it! How embarrassing for you!”

“Shut up, Mike! You think it’s so funny, you try it!”

“Try what, you already busted the mirror, what’s he gonna do, break it some more?”

“Oh my god, shut up, Greg! It’s a dumb fake mirror joke thingy! Here, Mike, reset it. Or just get it out of here. You and your lame jokes.”

“I don’t know why you keep insisting that its a joke mirror. That thing is real. Well, WAS real anyway.”

“Mike, screw you.”

“Fine if you don’t believe me, try again with the hall mirror. Except this time try NOT breaking it with your face”

“You are such a dick.”

“Oh just go look into the mirror, it’ll get this joke over with faster.”

“Thanks, Sarah, you’re such a good friend!”

“What? I mean it! The sooner you look in the hall mirror the sooner this is over with and the sooner we can all go to dinner.”

“Ugh, fine! Whatever! Here I go, to ask the mirror on the wall! I seriously don’t know why I hang out with you guys.”

“If you’re thinking of ditching us I’d appreciate if reimburse me for that broken mirror first.”

“Mike, shut up! Jerk. Grrr. Alright, mirror mirror, on the wall, who-”

KRRRSSSH!

“Oh my god REALLY?!”

“Jen, stop breaking my mirrors!”

“MIKE, STOP IT WITH THIS JOKE MIRRORS YOU DOUCHEBAG!”

“Guys, calm down. Jen, your make up is starting to run. Here, relax and touch yourself up with my compact.”

“SIGH! OK thanks Sarah I-”

CRKT!

“OH MY GOD YOU’RE IN ON IT TOO?!”

“I’m not! What! Oh my god Jen I think you may be really breaking all these mirrors with your face!”

“Guys, I’m scared, I don’t think it’s safe to look directly into Jen’s face anymore!”

“Shut up, Greg!!! You guys are all being dicks!”

“I think you need to see someone about this, Jen.”

KRRRSHH! KRASH! KACHSSHH!

“Holy crap all my wine glasses! Jen, stop looking at stuff! You’re destroying everything I own!”

“HOW CAN I BE DOING THIS?!?”

KACHINK!

“JEN! You just broke my glasses, stop looking at things immediately!”

“OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING!?!”

“Hey, wait, did someone just come inside the house?”

“Oh yeah that’s probably Jim. I told him to come to dinner and meet us here first.”

“Hey guys! Before we go to dinner I wanted to come over and show you my awesome new Waterford Crystal vase I just picked up!”

KRASH!!!

“WHAT THE HELL MY VASE!”

“It’s Jen. She’s got some sort of unholy demon face that breaks anything she casts her horrible reflection on.”

“Jen your face is an abomination and you cost me ten thousand dollars.”

“I really think you should see someone about this, Jen. Like an exorcist.”

“OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME!”

“Look! She’s even cracking the marble floor with her terrible monster face!”
“I think we should kill her with fire!”

“OOOOOHH GOD! I can’t take it anymore! This too much!”

“Whoa, Jen, put down that shard of glass!”

“NO! Jen, don’t do it!”

“WHY, WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME? WHHHHYYYYYAAAAGAHglglglglglglglg...”

“NOOOOOOOOO!”

“JEN! Why did you do that! Oh my god this awful.”

“Yeah, tell me about it. You know how annoying it’s going to be cleaning up all that blood?”

…

“HAHAHAHA, Oh Mike, you are such a prankster!”

“Seriously dude, this is probably greatest prank ever!”

“Really, you don’t think we took it too far this time? I mean, Jen’s dead now.”

“Ehh... Maybe.”

“Yeah. Well, anyway, can you grab the mop, we need to hustle if we’re going to make our dinner res.”

THE END.

X-Men 243: Gashes - INFERNS Part FERNS

 HEY ARE YOU READY TO GET ALL UP IN THIS ASTRAL MOTHERFUCKING PLANE AND SHIT?

SO FAR THIS IS THE BEST COVER I'VE "IMPROVED" BECAUSE ITS THE ONLY ONE (SO FAR) THAT INCLUDES LOVITZ.

MAYBE JEAN GREY IS JUST PLAYING DEAD. YOU KNOW, ACTING! JUST LIKE A MASTER THESPIAN!

DID YOU THINK I WAS REALLY UPSET ABOUT YOU SMASHING THAT MIRROR? ACTING!

I WASN'T SCARED OF THAT OGRE! ACTING!

BUT THOSE MIND BULLETS? THEY'RE LEGIT.

SEE YOU IN HELL, X-MANSHUN.

Over in X-Factor, written and drawn by Mr and Mrs Simonson, (who are married, not unlike Jan and Wayne Skylar the only married news team in the tri-county area) X-Mens and X-Factors have put aside their differences and fought all the goblins attacking New York. They then turn their attention to the goblin's titular Queen, Madelyne Pryor. Pryor, recently revealed to be a clone of original X-Man and current X-Factor team member Jean Grey, then kills herself, not unlike the last time Jean Grey was cloned, then by the cosmic entity known as the Phoenix Force. WHAAAAAAAAT?????

Anyhow, Maddy was just a level boss, the final boss is Mr. Sinister. Mr fuckin Sinister is such a dick that when Cyclops was a little toddler alone in an orphanage he thought it would be fun to put him in a coma. Fucking whats that guys fuckin problem? Fuckin dick, right?

Then for some reason that I can't figure, everyone ends up in Jean Grey's mind, because she is assimilating her dead clone's fading memories as her own? And then Sinister shows up and starts smashing things and trying to eat their mind bodies? THEN THE FUCKING X-MANSION EXPLODES????

That's pretty much it. Former-X-Man-Polaris-now-mind-controlled-by-Marauder-Malice and Sinister stand among the rubble ready to finish off the X-Men/Factors for good. And then sleeveless bemulleted nitwit Longshot is all like, uh, can I help you guys? And Polaris is all like, yeah you can help yourself to my fists, ass! And Sinister is like, yeah I'm gonna pound you, turd! And then Longshot's like, nuh uh, I'm gonna pound on YOU, ASS TURD!

Then in an issue of X-Factor there is a battle in real life, not Jean Grey's head, and the X-Manfactors win when Cyclops flays Sinister to the bone with his optic blasts. Then the X-Men peace out back to Australia and X-Factor goes back to being a less than mediocre book. And that's the end of El Infierno.

I still have to cover Annual #12 but otherwise that's it for Essential vol 8. Actually getting within sight of the finish line. Over 30 issues and a few years of stories to go, but Inferno marks the end of a significant chunk of Claremont's story. I'll probably have more to say about it next issue. Right now I need to go the fuck to bed.

X-Men 242: BURP - Eggfernog Fart the Turd

What we learn this issue besides that I think I'm done with this opener thingees. Yeah, I'm done with this shit. Fuckin OVER.

WHAT DO YOU LIKE BETTER, MADELYNE PRYOR'S PINK GINGER NIPS OR THE MIDDLE FINGERS?

 YEAH, I'M WITH YOU. DEFINITELY THE MIDDLE FINGERS.

SO CHANGING THINGS UP A BIT WITH THE RECAPTIONED PANELS. NOW IT'S MULTIPLE PANELS, AND SOMETIMES WHOLE PAGES!!!

WOW, YOU CAN REALLY APPRECIATE THE SEQUENTIAL VISUAL STORYTELLING, CAN'T YOU?

WOLVERINE JUST MADE OUT WITH JEAN GREY ON THE PREVIOUS PAGE, BY THE WAY.

THAT'S WHY HE WENT ALL BLALALA WITH HIS TONGUE. BECAUSE HE WAS EXPLORING JEAN GREY'S MOUTH WITH HIS MOUTH.

WHAT WOULD IT TAKE FOR YOU TO EAT A BABY? A HUMAN BABY. LET'S SAY THE BABY IS ALREADY DEAD. FRESHLY DEAD, BUT FROM NATURAL CAUSES. WOULD YOU EAT A BABY TO SAVE YOUR OWN KID'S LIFE? YOUR PARENTS? PROBABLY RIGHT? HOW ABOUT FOR 20 BILLION DOLLARS? STILL YES, RIGHT? OK, 20 THOUSAND DOLLARS? NOW YOU HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT. OK, HOW ABOUT FOR A DVD? FOR A DVD OF 'THE PURSUIT OF HAPPYNESS' STARING WILL SMITH ON DVD? BLU-RAY DVD. YOU'LL ONLY HAVE TO EAT A DEAD BABY ONCE BUT YOU'LL HAVE THAT BLU-RAY FOREVER. HAH, NO OF COURSE NOT, WHO WANT'S USELESS OUTDATED PHYSICAL MEDIA?

ANYWAY, I WOULD EAT A DEAD BABY IF IT MEANT I COULD PUNCH TONY ROMO IN THE NUTS. FUCK THAT GUY.

AW, THEY ARE PALS.

GUYS, ENOUGH WITH THE BABY. WE GET IT, OK? THERE'S A FUCKIN BABY. GREAT, WONDERFUL FOR THE FUCKING BABY. NOW WRITE SOME SUPER HERO STORIES WITHOUT A FUCKING BABY FOR ONCE WHY DON'T YOU?

So this was a fun issue, pretty much all action. The story picks up immediately following a crossover issue of X-Factor, in which the original X-Pals fight all the demons form Limbo that have been unleashed all over Manhattan and then run into the current X-Men at the very end. The last panel is Wolverine's hand reaching out to grab Jean Grey's shoulder from behind. Then in the first page of this issue of Uncanny X-Men, Wolverine is laying down a serious smooch on Marvel Girl. How's much lunch taste she asks! (she doesn't actually but remember that line from that movie?)

Then, because they're under the influence of Hell (I mean Limbo) and because that's what happens when super hero teams happen upon each other in the Marvel Universe, the X-Men and X-Factor beat the shit out of each other. This comprises the first half of the Giant Size Spectacular issue. The second half involves the X-Men's indomitable will prevailing and teaming up with the peeps of X-Factor to fight the Lord of Limbo, N'Astirh, who's been pulling the puppet strings of Madelyne Pryor's descent into villainy.

N'Astirh has for some reason (I think it happens in the New Mutant issues) turned into a robot demon. It's dumb, but it allows the X-Men to defeat this magikal daemon with SCIENCE. FIRST, Iceman freezes him to near absolute zero. Great! Says N'Astirh, the cool temperature lets my circuits run faster! More power! BUT THEN, Storm instantly raises the temperature to a sweltering heat wave, AND THEN she strikes him with a massive fucking lightening bolt. KABLOOEY! CIRCUIT OVERLOAD! X-MEN TRIUMPHANT.

But wait, now Madelyne Pryor is thoroughly and completely insane. SHE IS THE GOBLIN QUEEN. THE CAWK GOBBLIN QUEEN. She's Scott Summer's estranged wife, Alex Summers' current lover. THERE IS DRAMA ALL UP OVER THIS BITCH.

The fun time with a variety of X-Teams continues next in X-Factor and then picks up again in X-Men with the conclusion of Infarto, Part the Fourf. Except then it actually concludes in an a subsequent issue of X-Factor.

Normally I'd end the post now, but I wanted to transcribe some of the Claremontian purple prose that starts the issue. It's easy to make fun of the phrases and cliches that Claremont repeats throughout his run. But this misses the point that writing for comic books in the 70's and 80's meant writing for a disposable medium. There were back issues but scant reprint options and virtually no collections in trade paperback forms. So while Claremont was clearly writing for the long form, he was simultaneously writing issues that needed to stand on their own. It was like TV before DVDs. You have a season where the plot progresses  but each episode had to work by itself, for people just tuning in or catching it on reruns and syndication. So you repeat yourself. Why let a good turn of phrase go to waste on just one issue. It's makes sense if you consider the context SO BACK OFF THE CLAREMONTISMS.

Anyway, I digress. Claremont loves the Shagsbearean style. And while is early stuff I find to be a tad treacly and strained, I think he pretty much nails it here. Maybe I'm just nostalgic but I think this is pretty alright.

"IT IS A NIGHT WHEN THE UNIVERSES SHAKE... AND THE FABRIC OF REALITY ITSELF - THE SUM AND THE SUBSTANCE OF ALL THAT EVER WAS AND EVER SHALL BE - TEARS ASUNDER... TO BE WOVEN ANEW BY THE FORCES BATTLING HERE INTO SOMETHING BETTER OR WORSE... OR PERHAPS INTO NOTHING AT ALL. SAVE FINAL OBLIVION.

FOR WHAT IT'S WORTH, THE SETTING IS MANHATTAN ISLAND, IN THE SOUTHERNMOST REACHES OF CENTRAL PARK... AND THE PLAYERS - THE UNCANNY X-MEN, FACING OFF AGAINST X-FACTOR (WHO NOT SO TERRIBLY LONG AGO, WERE THE FOUNDING FIVE MEMBERS OF X-MEN). BUT THIS IS A MAGICK TIME - WHEN LEGENDS ARE MADE, AS HEARTS ARE FOREVER BROKEN - AND AN ACCURSED PLACE... WHERE NOTHING IS AS IT SHOULD BE... AND EVEN LESS WHAT IT SEEMS."

OK so I don't know what the point of that was. I liked it but your mile may vary. Whatever!

X-Men 241: Fan the Lame - Infartus Fart the Fecund

What we learn this issues besides that I think I'm a clone now, there's always two of me just hanging around. 

ANOTHER RAD COVER BY MARC SILVERSTRI AND SOME HACKNEYED RETREAD JOKES BY ME. I'M REALLY RUNNING OUT OF IDEAS, AREN'T I?

YEAH DID THAT ONE BEFORE, TOO.

AND THAT ONE.

HAVOK USING THE POWER OF CONCENTRIC CIRCLES IS NEW AT LEAST. I THINK ANYWAY. HEY LOOK, THAT MAILBOX IS FUCKING EATING A DUDE!

ANTHROPOMORPHIC FIRE HYDRANTS? SAY, THAT WOULD MAKE A GREAT COLLEGE MASCOT FOR SETON HALL UNIVERSITY, WOULDN'T IT? BECAUSE THEY HAD THIS TERRIBLE DORM FIRE TRAGEDY AND OH GOD WHAT THE HELL AM I SAYING?!?!

BUT DON'T LOOK HIM UP IF YOU'RE EATING OR YOU JUST DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT A GUY GETTING SODOMIZED WITH PLUNGER.

SURE, WHATEVER.

GET IT? THEY ARE SLUTS. HOW CLEVER.

CORPORATE INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY CAN NEVER DIE, SO FUCKIN WHO GIVES A SHIT, AM I RIGHT?

You may have noticed from the lackluster captions that I am experiencing a bit of what might be called dick-and-fart-joke-fatigue, or DaFJF. Duhfeejeef. Whatever, I may need to take a break after I get done slogging through the Inferno story. Not that I'm loving the Uncanny X-Men any less but I need to think of some fresh way to approach these posts. There's only so many times I can MS Paint belches into these scanned panels.

OR IS THERE?

So in the actual comic book, the X-Men are duking it out with the Marauders in Manhattan. And not regular Manhattan, but a Big Apple transformed into a hell on earth due to the influence of the demon N'Astirh and the portal to Hell (I mean Limbo) that he opened with the help of his "catspaw" Madelyne Pryor, now corrupted into the increasingly batshit Goblin Queen. So things like mailboxes now eat people (and turn them into 2-dimensional prisoners trapped on postage stamps in a rather amusing 'Twilight Zone' inspired bit) and police ride in giant fanged Jabberwockies.

And while those two teams of super powered jagovs pound on each other, the secret origin of Madelyn Pryor is finally revealed! It's a little silly and incredibly overwrought, but it's well worth bearing in mind that such a story is the product of the unique commercial medium of mainstream American super hero comics and all the attendant peculiarities thereof. And it all started back in the early 60's when the primordial Marvel Universe was still oozing about in a semi congealed state.

Oh god I just thought for 2 seconds about how convoluted the wholes back story is and how tedious it will be to try and explain, but what the fuck ever, it's not like I have anything better to do.

So here goes, and I may get all this wrong so you're better off just looking it the fuck up in wikipedia, if you really want to get everything straight, so be my guest, nerd.

Anyway, back when Stan Lee, Jack Kirby et al created the X-Men, they decided they needed a lady for the team, so they could write in all sorts of angsty teenage love drama into their 'new' style of super hero comics. So they created they rather generic Marvel Girl, named her Jean Grey and gave her red hair, because ALL female super heroes have red hair.

Things were fine and dandy and boring and Cyclops popped massive boners for her. Than, in the late 70's, the X-Men were returning from space but sucked at flying and crashed their space ship into New York's Jamaica Bay. Jean Grey managed to save everyone with super powers and incredible selflessness and was about to die in the accident when the all might cosmic entity known as the Phoenix Force came out of no where and rescued Jean Grey. It put her in a coma and buried her in a cocoon thingy at the bottom of the ocean (for safekeeping, I guess) and also decided that it was going to pretend to be Jean Grey and hang out like normal with the rest of the X-Men. The Phoenix Force wanted to do such a good job pretending to be Jean Grey that it actually convinced itself it really was Jean Grey, too. Then it went insane and killed 6 billion alien broccoli people. But because it had done so well convincing itself it was incredibly selfless and moral Jean Grey, it committed suicide, to protect the universe from it ever going crazy again and killing a few more billion broccoli people.

And right as the very moment the Phoenix Force as Jean Grey killed itself, a clone, grown in the laboratory of weirdo super villain Mr. Sinister, came to the life for the first time. Mr. Sinister had always been obsessed with Cyclops, because he is a creep, so he planned on creating a clone of the women for whom Cyclops popped boners (i.e. Jean Grey), so that Cyclops and the Jean Grey Clone would bone and he could harvest Cyclops' sperm. Or something like that.

Anyway, the Phoenix force woke up the til then dormant clone and Madelyne Pryor came to life. He called her Madelyne Pryor because who fuckin knows, he just did. Then, as one would obviously expect, Madelyne Pryor and Scott Summers met, got married and had a kid. This baby would one day grow up to be the time traveled mutant savior and shoulder pad enthusiast known as Cable, but for now it was just a the ordinary baby of the mutant super hero Cyclops and a clone of the mutant super hero Jean Grey/Marvel Girl/Phoenix.

Then Mr Sinister sent a bunch of evil villains he created in a lab (and Sabretooth) into the Morlock tunnels to kill all the Morlocks, (which they succeeded at) and to lure the X-Men out into the open so they could kill them too (which they ultimately failed at) so Sinister would have a clear path to abducting Cyclops' baby (which didn't happen yet). So Sinister waited a bit, recloned some of the Marauders the X-Men killed and sent them out to kill Madeline Pryor and kidnap her baby. They failed on the first task, again, but they did get the baby. Fuckin baby.

Then Jean Grey's comatose, cocooned body was discovered at the bottom of New York's Jamaica Bay by the Avengers, transported to Reed Richards and the Fantastic Four and brought back to life. Then they X-Men, including Madelyne Pryor, but not Cyclops or any of the original X-Men, all died in stupid Dallas while defeating an evil, all-powerful cosmic entity known the Adversary. Then yet another all powerful deus ex machina, I mean cosmic entity, brought them back to life but set things up so that everyone in the world still thought they were dead.

Scott, now seemingly unencumbered by wife or baby, started to rekindle his love affair with the original Jean Grey, who he technically had not seen since the X-Men went up into space way back in the 70's. Madelyne Pryor, meanwhile, was being targeted by the demons of Limbo to be a potential linchpin for the opening of the portal to hell (I mean Limbo) so that the demons could take over Earth.

Madelyne indeed went crazy under the corrupting influence of the Limbo demons and became the super powered Goblin Queen. Sinister, however, doesn't really give a shit about any of this and decided to go all Bond villain on Madelyne Pryor, chaining her up in his underground "orphanage" in Nebraska and explain everything to her. The orphanage is located in Nebraska because that is where Cyclops grew up, in a real orphanage, and where Sinister manifested his a creepy infatuation with him, while Cyclops was still a boy. Ew.

So now Madelyne Pryor and the demons of Limbo are squaring off with Mr Sinister in his secret lair while the X-Men wail away on the Marauders all during the hell's rapture with the mortal plain. And those assholes X-Factor, including Cyclops and the original Marvel Girl, are on their way to help fuck everything up as well.

Got all that? Hello? Anyway still there? Probably not, I think I bored myself. Whatever, you still have appreciate the rich tapestry of interwoven plot lines that is the Uncanny X-Men. Its 25 years of continual storytelling, and sometimes plots and characters must be picked up, dropped or completely rewritten, often for purely commercial purposes, all while the greater Marvel Universe continues in the same concurrent fictional continuum. Its fuckin comics bro, I'm telling you.

Anyway, the action continues in an issue of X-Factor that I just read but won't be reviewing, and returns back to the Uncanny X-Men, which I well be covering. If I can't find anything better to do in the meantime, which is highly unlikely.

X-Men 240: Stroke the Snatch - Inferno Fart the First

What we learn this issue besides that its about to get as phantasmagorical as fuck.

OH BOY INFERNO IS HERE. AND BOY DOES SILVESTRI KNOW HOT TO DRAW A COVER. I WISH I KNEW MORE ABOUT GRAPHIC DESIGN SO I COULD SOUND ALL SMART ABOUT WHY I THINK IT LOOKS SO BAD ASS. EXCEPT THAT I THOUGHT THE STUPID ASIAN BADGUY IN THE DORKY 80'S STAND UP COMEDIAN SUIT WAS THROWING OFF THE SYMMETRY SO I ADDED DR STEVE BRULE FOR BALANCE. BECAUSE WHAT COULDN'T BE IMPROVED WITH MORE DR STEVE BRULE?

FOR YOUR HEALTH.

I'M ACTUALLY EMBARRASSED BY THIS ONE BUT LOOK, MADELYNE PRYOR WAS GRABBING A BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE AND I'M ONLY HUMAN YOU KNOW.

PETER STEELE RIP. HE LOVED THE DARK. AND HEROIN.

FUNNY HOW YOU DON'T EVER SEE A DEMON WITH A NAME LIKE KEVIN.

AH I DON'T EVEN KNOW ANY MORE. WHAT THE HELL ELSE WOULD THEY BE TALKING ABOUT?

MISTER PENISTER IS ABOUT TO GET ALL UP IN THAT BEAV.

THIS WAS JUST A RANDOM AD PAGE FOR SOMETHING CALLED THE 'MARVEL ACTION UNIVERSE' WHICH WAS I THINK A CARTOON THAT I DON'T REMEMBER EVER SEEING BUT EITHER WAY I WOULD CHEW OFF MY OWN NUTSACK FOR THAT TO BE MY LIFE. HANGING OUT WITH SPIDER-MAN, ROBOCOP AND A DINOSAUR WITH MISSILE LAUNCHERS? THAT MAKES ME HARD.

All sorts of shit starts happening in this issue, as the Inferno x-over has officially started and Claremont decides to deal once and for all with the inconvenient editorially created plot hole of Scott Summer ditching Madelyne Pryor to go be with the sort of resurrected Jean Grey. Except it's fuckin comic books so nothing is ever final or permanent, just settled for now as best as they can get it.

The tone is of the series is also an interesting mix of gothic horror and slapstick, with credit due both to Claremont and Silvestri for pulling it off so well. Like in the opening sequence where Havok and Pyror are on a date (not cool dude, not cool) on top of Rockafella Plaza and the faux-Ghostbusters show up, argue for a bit and then get eaten by a demonically possessed elevator. You'd think there'd only be one demonically possessed elevator no matter what story your dealing with and that the definite article would suffice but remember the last demonically possessed elevator from last issue was in the Empire State Building, so the indefinite article must be employed in this instance.

Fuckin comics am I right?

Also a nice touch is Madelyne Pyror's dress changing in ever panel. It's because she is the Goblin Queen now and has magical powers that can do shit like that and also command demons from hell (er I mean Limbo).

After the date Pyror leaves Havok with some deep azure balls and goes futzing about some graveyard, bitching about Jean Grey and kvetching with her demon underlings. Meanwhile the X-Geeks are spazzing out in the Outback. Dazzler is getting way to clingy with Longshot and Colossus pulls a Jack from Titanic with Pyslocke and sketches her while she is in the nude. It is unclear, however, if Colossus is actually drawing Psycloke or if this was just a ploy to get her naked and Colossus was just moving the pen along piece of paper pretending to draw. Or maybe he drew a picture of Fartzilla, this is never revealed.

Later, utilizing all that random technology in the cyborg villains' abandoned hideout they took over, the X-Turkeys locate the Marauders in the tunnels beneath Manhattan (which used to house a race of deformed mutants before they were massacred by the Marauders) and with the help of their naked aborigine pal, Gateway, teleport over so they can go kick the shit out of them.

Wait, what the FUCK did I just type?

Anyway, it's a fun fight and the X-Punchersizers thrash the Marauders pretty thoroughly, unlike the last time they tangled like 25 issues ago when the Marauders wrecked everyone. Yeah, payback, bitches. Mutants in the house.

Then Madelyne Pyror discovers that she was a clone made by Mr Gary Sinister which will probably make her crazier and cause more elevators to eat more people.

Also there are a bunch of other comics where important plot takes place that I am going to read but not cover here because they aren't issues of the Uncanny X-Men by Chris Claremont and that's what this blog is all about. That and MS Paint pics of belches and the occasional peen. A fantastic and natural combination that we can all agree is good and proper and to the benefit of mankind.

X-Men 239: Vanateetons

What we learn this issue besides that I'm solid like a fibrous B.M.

GET READY FOR LOTS OF POOP JOKES. IT WAS JUST ONE OF THOSE DAYS I GUESS.

THE ELEVATOR CALLED THE SHIT POO!

THAT'S A PORCELAIN THRONE FIT FOR A KING.

BUT FRIED DOG BUTTS ARE THE BEST!

GOD THIS IS SO STUPID.

 

GROAN.

ALRIGHT, THAT'S ENOUGH.

I THINK I SHOULD QUIT THIS BLOG.

Oh boy that was fun. Plop, plop, plop. Glad I got all that OUT OF MY SYSTEM. LIKE OUT THROUGH MY BUNG HOLE.

Anyhow, this issue serves as prelude to INFERNO. A crossover with The New Mutants and X-Factor where Limbo, the Marvel Universe PG version of Hell, is unleashed on earth, specifically Manhattan. We get a glimpse of the horrors that are to come, where stuff, like elevators and mail boxes, come alive and start eating people. It's played up for slapstick humor tho, as Silvestri and Green draw the demonically possessed stuff in a very cartoony fashion.

But for now its mostly this fuckin guy, Mister Sinister (whose name sounds cooler when you pronounce it Mister suhNISter) complaining to himself that his favorite adversaries, the X-Men, are dead (because everyone thinks they died in stupid Dallas). We also learn that Sinister controls the Marauders, the guys responsible for killing all the Morlocks, and that he can recreate the Marauders when they die as clones. Or at least that's implied. The only one he can't recreate is Malice, the floating ghost who possess people, because she is now "permanently" bonded to Havok's girlfriend Polaris' body, at least as permanently as things get in comics (I think it is undone about 30 issues later or so).

And as Sinister bitches about each X-Men personally we cut away to a couple page vignettes of those X-Men. Dazzler and Longshot go to a bar and party heavy and later bone (probably). Storm learns that Jean Grey is alive and yells at Wolverine who knew since the Mutant Massacre but didn't tell anyone because he has a huge crush on Jean and is a big pussy. Colossus gets pooped on by Psylocke who yells at Rogue who reverts back to her Carol Danvers Ms Marvel persona, for no real good reason. Then Havok plows Madelyne Pryor who is basically fucking nuts and wants the demons of Hell (er, I mean Limbo) to help her kill the Marauders and get her baby back from whoever stole it (spoiler alert, it's Mister Penister!)

And even though he is the best X-Men, everyone shits on Cyclops for abandoning Madelyne Pryor and the baby and basically causing this whole mess in the first place.

But no one actually gets literally pooped on, which is too bad because that would be funny.

OK, all hell literally breaks loose next issue, in a completely fictional sense.

X-Men 238: Gonna Be a Rad Ablution

What we learn this issue besides that Roger Murtaugh:South Africa::X-Men:Genosha

COULDN'T THINK OF MUCH TO DO WITH THIS AWESOME SILVESTRI/GREEN COVER SO I JUST WENT WITH THE OLD STAND-BY OF DRAWING A BUNCH OF DICKS ON IT. BIG, VIENY, ROCK DICKS. ITS BECAUSE I AM SO CREATIVE, YOU SEE.

ACTUALLY I REALLY ONLY LIKE THAT ONE SCENE OF THAT MOVIE. ***SPOILER ALERT***

I HATE IT WHEN PORNOS HAVE TOO MUCH PEEN.

G'HEAD LADIES, NO ONE'S STOPPIN YA.

EVERYONE KNOWS WOLVERINE GIVES A HORRENDOUSLY UNSMOOTH BEEJ.

AND SO LONG GENOSHA.

The end to the 4 part Genosha saga is a bit of a let down. Wolverine doesn't bring the whole flamin country down. Havok blows up that weird pyramid lookin skyscraper (the Citadel), but that's about it. The Genegineer's weiner kid and his mutant lover escape with the X-Men after Wolverine and Rogue get their powers back, but thats about it. Kind of a sitcom reset type of ending.

But a few bigger movements are brewing in the bowels of the subplot. For one, Havok and Madeylne Pyror continue to get get scandalously close. I mean, Madelyne's husband did absquatulate with their baby an all, but come on dude, that's your sister in law, who do you think you are, Martin Broduer or some kind of philanderer (future Hall of Famer New Jersey Devil goalie Marty Brodeur banged his wife's brother's wife, btw, so there's kind of a connection there).

It's also made apparent that Madelyne Pyror has been driven nuts by all the shit going on and that the Genoshans' mental probing has finally sent her over the edge. That was her killing the room full of raycess Genoshan scientists last issue - also by the way - I got it wrong in the last post. Additionally, Madelyne is not  really what she seems, meaning she is probably a fucking clone grown in a test tube by the villain Mr Sinister or some shit. Actually, it always SEEMED like she was a clone of Jean Grey, but that was supposed to be a red herring and she was just another plain old hot red head chick that Scott Summer's stuck it in. But now it will be revealed (SPOILER ALERT) that she was a Jean Grey clone all along.

The lingering question remains whether or not Claremont always wanted Pyror to be some figurative stand in for Jean Grey or if it really was only an editorially mandated ret-con that explicitly confirmed Pyror to be what many suspected all along. It's fucking comics and you aren't going to see shit like this in any other medium. SO LOVE IT OR LEAVE BABY.

Also Claremont name checks the shitty song Gone to America by the shitty band Steeleye Span, after whose lead singer is Madelyne Pryor named. Gay.

Anyway, that's the last we'll see of Genosha for a while. It was a solid arc, definitely ambitious. Excellent art, even if it see-sawed back and forth between two different pencillers. It also marks the end of the X-Men in Australia status quo (or the Oz-Men as so many internet wags are fond of calling it). The team doesn't go back to the X-Mansion officially for like 40 more issues (and probably not coincidentally with the reintroduction of Genosha), but because of Madelyne's impending transformation, the 8 team members in the secret hideout with Madelyne the computer chick in Central Command directing the X-Men to incidents across the globe which they travel to with the help of the naked aboriginal teleporter Gateway is over. Thanks to the fucking X-Factor comic book. But thats a whole nother story that I'd have to do more research on to get the whole spiel.

A couple few one shots, the Brood arc and the Genosha storyline. That's it. Next issue is the start of the Inferno crossover with the rest of the X-titles and then it gets really fucking weird until superstar artist Jim Lee comes along, sales skyrocket and Claremont quits. Still, thats like 4 or 5 years away yet. Great, so much more fun left for us!