X-Men 242: BURP - Eggfernog Fart the Turd

What we learn this issue besides that I think I'm done with this opener thingees. Yeah, I'm done with this shit. Fuckin OVER.

WHAT DO YOU LIKE BETTER, MADELYNE PRYOR'S PINK GINGER NIPS OR THE MIDDLE FINGERS?

 YEAH, I'M WITH YOU. DEFINITELY THE MIDDLE FINGERS.

SO CHANGING THINGS UP A BIT WITH THE RECAPTIONED PANELS. NOW IT'S MULTIPLE PANELS, AND SOMETIMES WHOLE PAGES!!!

WOW, YOU CAN REALLY APPRECIATE THE SEQUENTIAL VISUAL STORYTELLING, CAN'T YOU?

WOLVERINE JUST MADE OUT WITH JEAN GREY ON THE PREVIOUS PAGE, BY THE WAY.

THAT'S WHY HE WENT ALL BLALALA WITH HIS TONGUE. BECAUSE HE WAS EXPLORING JEAN GREY'S MOUTH WITH HIS MOUTH.

WHAT WOULD IT TAKE FOR YOU TO EAT A BABY? A HUMAN BABY. LET'S SAY THE BABY IS ALREADY DEAD. FRESHLY DEAD, BUT FROM NATURAL CAUSES. WOULD YOU EAT A BABY TO SAVE YOUR OWN KID'S LIFE? YOUR PARENTS? PROBABLY RIGHT? HOW ABOUT FOR 20 BILLION DOLLARS? STILL YES, RIGHT? OK, 20 THOUSAND DOLLARS? NOW YOU HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT. OK, HOW ABOUT FOR A DVD? FOR A DVD OF 'THE PURSUIT OF HAPPYNESS' STARING WILL SMITH ON DVD? BLU-RAY DVD. YOU'LL ONLY HAVE TO EAT A DEAD BABY ONCE BUT YOU'LL HAVE THAT BLU-RAY FOREVER. HAH, NO OF COURSE NOT, WHO WANT'S USELESS OUTDATED PHYSICAL MEDIA?

ANYWAY, I WOULD EAT A DEAD BABY IF IT MEANT I COULD PUNCH TONY ROMO IN THE NUTS. FUCK THAT GUY.

AW, THEY ARE PALS.

GUYS, ENOUGH WITH THE BABY. WE GET IT, OK? THERE'S A FUCKIN BABY. GREAT, WONDERFUL FOR THE FUCKING BABY. NOW WRITE SOME SUPER HERO STORIES WITHOUT A FUCKING BABY FOR ONCE WHY DON'T YOU?

So this was a fun issue, pretty much all action. The story picks up immediately following a crossover issue of X-Factor, in which the original X-Pals fight all the demons form Limbo that have been unleashed all over Manhattan and then run into the current X-Men at the very end. The last panel is Wolverine's hand reaching out to grab Jean Grey's shoulder from behind. Then in the first page of this issue of Uncanny X-Men, Wolverine is laying down a serious smooch on Marvel Girl. How's much lunch taste she asks! (she doesn't actually but remember that line from that movie?)

Then, because they're under the influence of Hell (I mean Limbo) and because that's what happens when super hero teams happen upon each other in the Marvel Universe, the X-Men and X-Factor beat the shit out of each other. This comprises the first half of the Giant Size Spectacular issue. The second half involves the X-Men's indomitable will prevailing and teaming up with the peeps of X-Factor to fight the Lord of Limbo, N'Astirh, who's been pulling the puppet strings of Madelyne Pryor's descent into villainy.

N'Astirh has for some reason (I think it happens in the New Mutant issues) turned into a robot demon. It's dumb, but it allows the X-Men to defeat this magikal daemon with SCIENCE. FIRST, Iceman freezes him to near absolute zero. Great! Says N'Astirh, the cool temperature lets my circuits run faster! More power! BUT THEN, Storm instantly raises the temperature to a sweltering heat wave, AND THEN she strikes him with a massive fucking lightening bolt. KABLOOEY! CIRCUIT OVERLOAD! X-MEN TRIUMPHANT.

But wait, now Madelyne Pryor is thoroughly and completely insane. SHE IS THE GOBLIN QUEEN. THE CAWK GOBBLIN QUEEN. She's Scott Summer's estranged wife, Alex Summers' current lover. THERE IS DRAMA ALL UP OVER THIS BITCH.

The fun time with a variety of X-Teams continues next in X-Factor and then picks up again in X-Men with the conclusion of Infarto, Part the Fourf. Except then it actually concludes in an a subsequent issue of X-Factor.

Normally I'd end the post now, but I wanted to transcribe some of the Claremontian purple prose that starts the issue. It's easy to make fun of the phrases and cliches that Claremont repeats throughout his run. But this misses the point that writing for comic books in the 70's and 80's meant writing for a disposable medium. There were back issues but scant reprint options and virtually no collections in trade paperback forms. So while Claremont was clearly writing for the long form, he was simultaneously writing issues that needed to stand on their own. It was like TV before DVDs. You have a season where the plot progresses  but each episode had to work by itself, for people just tuning in or catching it on reruns and syndication. So you repeat yourself. Why let a good turn of phrase go to waste on just one issue. It's makes sense if you consider the context SO BACK OFF THE CLAREMONTISMS.

Anyway, I digress. Claremont loves the Shagsbearean style. And while is early stuff I find to be a tad treacly and strained, I think he pretty much nails it here. Maybe I'm just nostalgic but I think this is pretty alright.

"IT IS A NIGHT WHEN THE UNIVERSES SHAKE... AND THE FABRIC OF REALITY ITSELF - THE SUM AND THE SUBSTANCE OF ALL THAT EVER WAS AND EVER SHALL BE - TEARS ASUNDER... TO BE WOVEN ANEW BY THE FORCES BATTLING HERE INTO SOMETHING BETTER OR WORSE... OR PERHAPS INTO NOTHING AT ALL. SAVE FINAL OBLIVION.

FOR WHAT IT'S WORTH, THE SETTING IS MANHATTAN ISLAND, IN THE SOUTHERNMOST REACHES OF CENTRAL PARK... AND THE PLAYERS - THE UNCANNY X-MEN, FACING OFF AGAINST X-FACTOR (WHO NOT SO TERRIBLY LONG AGO, WERE THE FOUNDING FIVE MEMBERS OF X-MEN). BUT THIS IS A MAGICK TIME - WHEN LEGENDS ARE MADE, AS HEARTS ARE FOREVER BROKEN - AND AN ACCURSED PLACE... WHERE NOTHING IS AS IT SHOULD BE... AND EVEN LESS WHAT IT SEEMS."

OK so I don't know what the point of that was. I liked it but your mile may vary. Whatever!