X-Men 145: Dorknapped!

WHAT WE LEARNED THIS ISSUE:

DOCTOR DOOM HAS A TASTE FOR BROWN SUGAR

ARCADE STILL LOOKS LIKE A FUCKING DOUCHE BAG

KITTY PRYDE'S NEW CODENAME IS ANNOUNCED AS SPRITE. WOLVERINE THEN CHANGES HIS CODENAME TO DIET VANILLA CHERRY DR PEPPER.

BOBBY DRAKE THE ICEMAN LIKES TO CHILL IN COLLEGE AND CRACK A FEW COLD BEVOS AFTER WRITING A TERM PAPER BECAUSE WHY NOT ICEMAN CAN RELAX AND HAVE A FUCKIN BREWSKI ITS NO BIG DEAL MAYBE ICEMAN'LL EVEN HAVE A FEW MORE BEERS AND OH LOOK SOME TEQUILA SHOTS ICEMAN CAN HAVE AS MUCH AS ICEMAN WANTS AND ANOTHER THING BAAARRRRRRRFFFFFFFFF!!!!!!!

DOOM FUCKS STORM UP BAD AND DATE RAPE IS NOT OUT OFF THE QUESTION

That's my rendition of the cover. I think it's funnier because it implies Doom is a sexual assailant.

This issue is mostly setting up the next two, where the X-Mange do battle with Dr Doom AND that jagov Arcade. Arcade is a cool idea, an unhinged spoiled playboy mass murderer, but you can't take him seriously because he LITERALLY dresses like a clown. Plus he never actually succeeds in killing anyone. It's kind of hard to take his Muderworld's theme "NO ONE GETS OUT ALIVE" seriously when literally EVERYONE GETS OUT ALIVE. Every fucking time. No X-Man has ever been murdered in fucking Murderworld.

Anyhow, old school X-Lads Iceman, Havok and Polaris are recruiting from doing whatever the fuck they were doing to rejoin the X-Men to help rescue Storm and all the token damsels in distress female background characters from Arcade and Dr Doom, or have teamed up to fuck over the X-Mens. Although there may be some tension between Doom and Arcade and I'm not totally sure what their reasons for teaming up are because who cares?

And once again, Arcade's sexy minion, Miss Locke, proves she can sneak up on an X-Men, in this case Storm, and drug with a poison dart, but WHY DONT YOU JUST BLOW HER FUCKIN BRAINS OUT RIGHT THEN IF YOU CAN DO THAT YOU ASSHOLE? The excuse is always something lame like, Arcade doesn't find that sporting, or some shit, but for chrissakes, you want these fucker dead or not?

So half the X-men go after doom and half the X-Men go after Arcade and Wolverine says they should TRASH HER, PERMANENTLY! and Cyclops' solo adventures with sexy boat captain Lee Forrester take a wrong term when their ship gets wrecked and they end up on a deserted island. I guess Lee's whole crew is fucking dead, too, but they never really explain it.

Anyway, in like the last 2 panels Doom takes out the X-Men attacking him, and proves he is one bad ass muthafucka and Storm, Colossus, Wolverine, Angel and Nightcrawler are no match for the bloody iron fisted ruler of Latveria. Bitches.

The other X-Mins, Iceman, Havok, Polaris and powerless Banshee, who at least as the common sense to carry some weapons around with him, unlike idiot Angel, take on Murderworld next issue.

Can the X-Men prevail, or can nothing stop Dr Doom's ass killing butt rapes? THE ANSWER IS PREVAIL.

X-Men 144: Even in Death... they have melodramatic comic titles

WHAT WE LEARNED THIS ISSUE:

THE WORST NAMED COMIC CHARACTER IN HISTORY, MAN-THING GUEST STARS.

FUCK LAND! CYCLOPS IS ON A BOAT MOTHERFUCKER! WITH SOME LAME ASS DAGO NAMED PAOLO!

AW, IS KITTY PRYDE GONNA CRY? IS SHE? IS BABY GONNA CRY? DOES BABY NEED HER FUCKIN BOTTLE YOU FUCKIN BABY? AW, FUCKIN BABY IS FUCKIN CRYING LIKE A FUCKING BABY X-BABY KITTY FUCKIN BABY PRYDE

recap thing: A lot of the shit that goes on in Claremont's X-Men is definitely kids stuff, like the fact that everyone is constantly wearing brightly colored tights. But let it not be said that Claremont doesn't add plenty for the mature audience as well. Here is Claremont describing some sad old mustachioed dude name Jock Forrester who we're meeting for the first time and is Lee Forrester's dad, the new sailing buddy and potential new boning buddy of Cyclops:

"Diagnosis: Cancer - inoperable, incurable. Prognosis: Ever-increasing enfeeblement off physical and mental faculties, ever-increasing pain, death within a year."

Wow, nice to know it can always get worse. Oh, and then Jock picks up a revolver and blows his fuckin brains out. Hey, who ordered the wall pizza?

That little prelude was just to set up an issue where Man-Thing, a giant swamp monster who feels other's emotions and tries to help them, and D'Spayre, an orthographically challenged evil spirit that feeds off human fear, fight over the immortal soul of Scott Summers, who's having a tough time getting over his girl friend Jean Grey's recent death. Build a bridge and get over it you fucking crybaby!

It's mostly an opportunity to rehash Cyclops' origin and the Dark Phoenix Saga again, and in the end, Cyclops realizes he will always feel bad about Jean but he is going to fucking get over it, so fuck you D'Spayre, you prick! Then Man-Thing throws D'Spayre into a burning house or something.

That's basically it. Scott hanging out with his new pal, sailing babe Lee Forrester and getting hassled by these 2 stupid characters. And back at the X-Pad, the remaining X-Dudes repair the Danger Room, that Kitty ruined while fighting the demon last issue. Then Wolverine and Nightcrawler make really terrible not funny jokes at Kitty's expense and make her a sad panda for no reason whatsoever except to give Colossus an excuse to comfort her and continue this illicit pedophilic wet dream of Claremont's.

And thats the end of Man-Thing for the X-Men, who also starred in a comic called Giant-Size Man-Thing. Afterwards he also starred in a book called GREAT BIG PENISES. It's all true, I swear (except only the first part).

Also the art, even though it's not Bryne, is still pretty good. And I enjoyed this issue. It was kind off silly but it also had a dude shotting himself in the head, so it gets a passing grade from me!

X-Men 143: SEMEN... er, I mean DEMON

WHAT WE LEARNED THIS ISSUE:

SOMEONE'S SEEN THE MOVIE ALIEN RECENTLY

WOLVERINE IS STILL A PSYCHOPATH

KITTY PRYDE = JAIL BAIT

SERIOUSLY THIS WHOLE ISSUE IS ONE BIG ALIEN RIP OFF

Recappage: Not sure if that cartoon turned out right. I probably spent way to long on it and the I don't think what I thought would be a hilarious absurd caption juxtaposed against the graphically violent image paid off.

Ah well, fuck my cock.

In this issue, all the X-Men leave the X-House and Kitty is all by her lonesome. Instead of diddling her twat all night like the horny little school girl we all imagine her as, she goes to the danger room to work up a sweat, when all the sudden she is attacked but what looks and acts exactly like the Alien from the movie Alien!

Kitty spends most of the issue running for her fucking life as the alien chases after her, wrecking the X-Crib in the process. Only when she lures it into the X-Hanger is she able to blast it to smithereens with the X-Jets X-Engines and send the demonic creature back to fucking hell. HEEELLLLLLLLLLLL!

A by the numbers action issue starring the newest X-Lady, Kitten "Mittens" Pryde. This issue is also interesting to me because:

- In a brief appearance, Cyclops, still resigned from duty, meets Lee Forrester, a new love interest. Boy you don't waste much time there Cyclops, you big whore.

- Wolverine shows up with his "date" Mariko Yashida from several issues ago, and Nightcrawler teleports in with mistletoe and kisses her, prompting Wolverine to stab viciously at Kurt with his claws. Kurt barely escapes by teleporting out of harms way and Xavier psychically scolds Wolvie, but no one else, including Wolverine's date, seems too put off by the fact that Wolverine just barely missed murdering his friend. It is because Wolverine, the character, has not yet been ruined and still totally owns. But alas, he is a gay now.

- In the splash page, all the way down on page 5, Prof X is teaching Kitty the blackbird jet ignition sequence, which Kitty uses to kill the demon. AWESOME FORESHADOWING DUDE!

- This so called 'Demon' is apparently one of the N'Gari, a "malefic" ancient race that once ruled the earth and appeared in shitty X-Men 96, the 4th appearance of the all-new, all-different X-Bags. They are never fully explained and are just another example of times when you just have to go, sure why the fuck not?

- Kitty kisses Colossus with mistletoe and he blushes. Too bad theirs is a forbidden love ACCORDING TO FEDERAL STATUTORY RAPE LAWS. FUCK OFF KITTY, YOU COCK TEASE.

- When all the X-Bros return after Kitty has bested the Demon, Prof X remarks "There is a miasma of evil about the house." OH SHUT UP YOU ASSHOLE.

- this is the last issue John Byrne draws or co-plots, which is a shame because the X-Mens those two did together were the best X-Mens ever, despite all the stupid bullshit that I've been pointing out. It's the stupid bullshit that make comics fucking great, is what I always say, anyway. you can tell those two hate each other at this point too, since I think Byrne was doing most of the plotting himself and Claremont was just scripting the finished pages that Byrne sent him, because Claremont is now shoving so many fucking word bubbles and exposition panels, its crazy. It's like he has to also narrate (or have Kitty think) every little thing thats going on even though its obvious so he can leave his mark on the comic. He also has Kitty mention how whats going on is just like "in that movie!" which I dont think is unintentional, nor not a dig at Byrne's blatently derivative alien.

-So, sucks that he's gone because his art (with Terry Austin) was indeed, the proverbial tits, but let me put is this way: See you in hell, Byrne!

- also I re-did the word balloon in the cartoon, maybe it works better, maybe not, but definitley who gives a fucking shit. Anyway, HERE IT IS!

This was such an awesome panel in the comic, by the way. A demon murdering the fuck out of two innocent bystanders. LOOKS LIKE THEY ARE REALLY FUCKED NOW.

X-Men 142: Mind out of Time! ...thats actually all right

WHAT WE LEARNED THIS ISSUE:

CLAREMONT FINALLY CAME UP WITH A TITLE THAT MAKES SENSE AND SOUNDS KIND OF COOL AND ISN'T COMPLETE RETARDED NONSENSE

KITTY PRYDE GETS GAY WITH HERSELF

GOD DAMN THE BLOB IS A FAT FUCK

ITS A HUGE FUCKING DEAL FOR THE PHOENIX TO REARRANGE THE MOLECULES IN HER CLOTHES TO CHANGE APPEARANCES WITH HER MIND BUT ITS NOT BIG DEAL WHEN MYSTIQUE DOES IT. OR WHEN NIGHTCRAWLER USES HIS FUCKING IMAGE INDUCER. WHAT THE FUCK, MAN?

NUT UP AND KILL SOMEONE, STORM, STOP BEING SUCH A VAG. YOU'RE THE LEADER OF THE GOD DAMN X-MEN ITS TIME TO SUCK IT UP AND MAKE SOME DIFFICULT DECISIONS. CHRIST.

THE IMPENDING EVIL ROBOT APOCALPYSE HAS BEEN AVERTED. OR JUST DELAYED. OR SHUNTED ASIDE TO A NEIGHBORING DIMENSION, WHO FUCKIN KNOWS.

recap: Guess we learned a lot in this issue. Hmm... Anyway, this classic two part X-Men tale wraps up and it's pretty bad ass, if you couldn't tell from my pants creaming recap of last issue.

The action is great, with two big fights going on simultaneously. The X-Mans of the present fighting the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants (still an awful fucking name, also because the leader is Mystique, a god damned woman), and the future X-Mans fighting the Sentinels, the giant evil purple robots who have totally fucked everything up.

What's great is there's really no point for the us to follow the future X-Mans sub plot. In fact, there's no reason, plot-wise, for the future X-Mens to even be fighting the Sentinels. They repeatedly state that their only hope is for Kitty Pryde to go back in time and stop the Brotherhood from assassinating Senator Kelly. The hopeless assault on main Sentinel HQ is really only good for showing us what it would be like if the Sentinels finally won and got to kill a bunch of X-Males.

And it is AWESOME!

Wolverine gets all the flesh blasted off him as he screams YERRRRGH! Yeah, no healing factor to save you when you're nothing but a pile of metal bones. Then Storm takes a javelin right through the guts. Ha ha! That's one dead X-Man, baby!

And we never find out (at least in this issue) what happens to the remaining X-Mens, not even Kitty, who presumably go back to to the future (says, thats got a nice ring to it), after preventing the assassination in the present.

Its actually kind of interesting (to us nerds) the words Claremont chooses when Kitty succeeds in stopping the evil mutant precog, Destiny, from shooting Sen. Kelly with a crossbow (wait, crossbow? Who the fuck brings a crossbow to an assassination?) First, Claremont says Kitty's 'spirit' or whatever, kisses herself, making her a total dyke, and then "lets the winds of eternity sweep her home."

Wait, if future Kitty is going "home", does that mean she failed? Shouldn't she have totally negated the future she came from and just evaporated? If she did succeed, and goes home to evil robot apocalypse anyway, what was the point? Just to do some alternate reality a solid and then go back to your shitty, miserable evil robot apocalyptic existence?

It's not explained, of course, but then neither is the fact that Mystique looks like Nightcrawler, knows his name and adoptive mother, but yet has never met him before (obviously implying that she is his biological mother). But then again its a comic book so who gives a shit. I never picked up on either of those things when i first read this issue in a trade paperback as a 10 year old, so it's really not that big of a deal. The fact that the future in question includes a kid that Jean Grey and Cyclops never had means its just an alternate reality anyway, so yes, Kitty goes back to her fucked up shitty life in the future and thats that.

Oh, and here's something that always pissed me off, even though I've written enough about this ssue enough and really want to stop but won't so fuck it. Anywho, the Blob's big fucking asset is he so fucking fat that nothing can really hurt him, or move him. So big deal, walk around the tubby bitch, whats the problem? Even if he's really strong and his punches really hurt, how fast can this lard ass be? Just don't get near him and your fine. But of course, every time he battles the X-Men, he gets attacked, which laughs off, unscathed. Then they try and move him, which of course, they fail at, and then finally they figure out a way to defeat him (like leaving a trail of pies off the side of a cliff). This issue, though, Claremont decides to be clever and have Colossus and Wolverine figure out that yes, the Blob himself can not be moved, but the ground underneath him is fair game. So far so good. I like that idea. Otherwise the Blob would never be able to get on a train and travel anywhere by any means other than walking. But instead of actually moving the ground underneath the Blob, Colossus used a bent over Wolverine as the fulcrum and a steel girder as a lever to send the Blob flying. BUT THAT'S NOT USING THE GROUND, THAT JUST MOVING THE BLOB WITH A STEEL GIRDER. If the Blob was standing on a car, or something, and then moved THAT with the wacky lever they concocted, then we're still golden. BUT NOT BY USING THE GIRDER TO MOVE THE BLOB DIRECTLY. THATS FUCKING CHEATING GOD DAMN IT.

So I hope I've successfully convinced everyone of my complete and utter faggotness by my argument about a comic books character's super powers and now if you don't mind I have some pokemon cards to alphabetize.

X-Men 141: Gays of Future Ass

WHAT WE LEARN THIS ISSUE:

I REALLY MAILED IT IN ON THE MOCK-TITLE

IN THE FUTURE, A BUNCH OFF FUCKIN X-MEN GET SMOKED BY ASSHOLE SENTINELS

"ITS 1984, DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR FUCKIN CHILDREN ARE?"

WE ONLY HAVE 3 YEARS BEFORE THE IMPENDING ROBOT APOCALYPSE

SUPER VILLAIN GROUPS ARE STILL ADDING THE PREFIX "EVIL" TO THEIR TEAM NAMES ON PURPOSE

Recap: This is probably the illest shit Claremont and Byrne ever produced. Its starts with a dope ass cover of geezer looking Wolverine and aged lady 'Katherine' Pryde standing in front of a poster that lists a bunch of X-Men who have been fucking murdered. It's a fuckin famous cover because you're like, wait, why is Wolverine all old and is that a grown up Kitty Pryde? And are they being hunted or something? And holy shit, are all those other X-Men FUCKING DEAD?

Yes, I love it. Nerd boners for everyone!

The story drops you right in to the future with little explanation, the gaps being filled in as you read the the comic. Tons of random tid bits are thrown in the dialog and never really explained, but thats what makes them TOTALLY AWESOME EASTER EGGS FOR FANBOY DORK ASSES. Like in the future, Magento is a good guy and friends with the surviving X-Men? Kitty Pryde says she loved Colossus since the day they met, even though she was a 13 year old and that's fuckin sick? Reed Richards and Sue Storm's infant son Franklin grows up and marries a red headed mutant with psychic powers named Rachel who may or may not be Cyclops and Phoenix' kid, meaning this is an alternate universe and not the direct future off the X-Men we're used to reading because Jean Grey fuckin died without having babies? Or did she? HOLY FUCK I JUST SPLUGED ALL OVER MY LAP TOP.

The main plot line is also the same basic story for the Terminator franchise, EXCEPT THE X-MEN DID IT FIRST BECAUSE THE X-MEN ROCK TITS AND ALL OTHER MEDIA CAN SUCK THEIR AWESOME MUTATED BONE SWORDS.

It's essentially a "What if...?" story, where in the future, the Sentinels have won and eliminated all super powered being, killing most of them. They've also ruined the entire North American continent in the process. Europe, not wanting to also get their shit ruined by giant evil robots, are about to start a global nuclear holocaust that can only be prevented if Kitty Pryde can go back in time (by inhabiting her younger 13 year old body with the help of a totally unbelievable technological contraption magically inserted in the plot to allow this to happen) and stop some 'evil' mutants from assassinating Senator Robert Kelly.

The evil mutants are the 'new' Brotherhood of Evil Mutants. This is the second incarnation of the team, meaning they had the opportunity to drop the 'evil' from their name but chose not to, which is fucking retarded for reasons I don't have to explain.

Mystique, a sexy blue skinned shape changer, is their leader, along with the Blob, who is a fat tub of shit and his power is to be a fat tub off shit, Destiny, an old lesbian (for real! Just not revealed for many years later) who can see into the future but is also blind (fuckin irony baby!), and Avalanche and Pyro, whose powers you can figure out on your own.

The other thing that is totally fucking awesome about this issue is the discussion about the nature off reality if time travel is possible and events like this can be altered. Colossus, who is Kitty's lover in the future, wonders what will happen if Kitty is successful. Will that completely erase their entire universe, as if it never happened? If so, what will become of Kitty and Colossus? Whats the point off going back in time to 'save' the present if it also entails total annihilation? Kitty says not to worry, that if their love is meant to be, it will be, no matter what. Hmm... this concept sounds familiar, I wonder if some over rated sci-fi prime time network drama spent 6 years debating this very point. I wonder if this drama also didn't kill all the fun out of the series by spending 75% of the show's time on boring ass character development that often had no bearing on the show, and relegating the action oriented episodes that actually moved the fucking plot along to about 2 or 3 per season. Yes, once again, comic books triumph over the insipid, knob-slobbing, self congratulatory drivel that passes for 'break-through, revolutionary' network drama. What a crock of shit.

There's also some slow sections involving some by the numbers Danger Room drama but it still kicks ass and this whole issue kicks ass and FUCKIN A DUDE I WANT TO FELLATE THIS COMIC BOOK WITH MY MOUTH.

next issue, I remain fully engorged!

X-Men 140: RAGE... against the small peen

WHAT LEARNED THIS ISSUE:

IN SOVIET RUSSIA, HECTARES OF LAND CLEAR COLOSSUS

STORM AINT TALKIN NO JIVE TURKEY

THE PROVERBIAL ROOF IS ABOUT TO FALL THE FUCK IN ON NIGHTCRAWLER

WENDIGO, WOLVERINE AND SNOW BIRD ALL RAGE THEIR RESPECTIVE ASSES OFF LIKE FILTHY SAVAGES

I'M SICK OF FUCKING LAME ASS CANADA ALREADY

This ish starts with a random convo between Colossus and Angel where they talk about how they both now have vaginas. Then, in an even randomer scene, Storm gets hit on by some jive talking black streotype and she rebuffs him, because she is probably lezzie. He's how Claremont thought a black person would hit on Ororo Munroe: "Hey, mama, wait up! Sweet thing, I am one fine dude, you are one fine fox, this is one fine night. What say we make beautiful music together?"

Fucking racist dude.

Then Wolvie, Crawler, Vindicator, Snowbird and Shaman fight the albino Canadian bigfoot named Wendigo. Wendigo is a fucking beast, literally, and he wails on everyone for a while, until Snowbird, who normally looks like a hot blonde babe, turns into some rabid creature and for some reason is able to take down Wendigo with her berserker rage (because Wolverine's berserker rage was not enough, seriously).

Then, when Wendigo is knocked out, Shaman uses some fruity Native American spell to undo the Wendigo curse and turn the monster into some dude, who is then arrested for eating a bunch of innocent people. I know it sounds harsh, since the dude was under a spell, but check this out, Vindicator, Captain Canada himself, says, and I quote, "Under Canadian law, he is culpable for any crimes he committed as Wendigo".

Man, so fucking glad Canadian Parliment had the forsight to right a law specifically for guys cursed into becoming albino bigfoot monsters and any crimes they commit there as.

Also we learn a little bit more about Wolverine in a flashback, where he tells his Canadian friends that he doesn't like how the Canadian government put adamantium in his body and made him kill people at their behest.

Ok, fucking awesome, I always wanted to know that about you fuckin Wolverine. This issue was totally fine, next issue though, fucking dope ass DAYS OF FUTURE ASS. VERY NICE BRO.

X-Men 139: Something SMELLY this way FARTS

WHAT WE LEARNED THIS ISSUE:

CLAREMONT WANTS TO SHOW OFF THAT HE KNOWS A LINE FROM MAC FUGGIN BETH

WOLVERINE DOESN'T DRINK LEMONADE BUT HE DOES LOVE BEER AND HE'S STILL ON THE FENCE ABOUT ZIMA

DID KITTY PRYDE HAVE A FUN BAT MITZVAH? WHY WON'T THE TELL US ABOUT IT!?!

WENDIGO HAS A SET OF PALE TESTICLES SIMILAR TO A YETI'S

This issue is all about the fuckin Wolverine. He mouths of to Xavier (When Xavier admonishes him thusly: "Wolverine, call me 'Professor', 'Professor X', 'Professor Xavier', or even, if you must, 'Charles'. But not 'Charley'. Is that clear?" Wolvie waggishly replies, "Sure, Chuck." Haha, though I'm not sure why Claremont spells, 'Charlie', 'Charley'. How is that pronounced, shar-LAY?), he pounds a few brewskies, changes his uniform (so now the supposed feral tracker is wearing something remotely camouflage-able rather than day-glo yellow with blue highlights - though it is rather Cleveland Browns), and even has is first appearance from the Incredible Hulk issues 180-181 recapped.

Most of the action is Wolverine going back to Canada to officially resign from his former bosses, Department H, some CIA-like Canadian equivalent. Then he ends up helping half of Alpha Flight track down Wendigo, who has been eating people around the Hudson Bay (om nom nom). Only Nightcrawler (who is called Nightcreeper by someone at one point, that is real close to NightRAPER if you ask me), goes with Wolverine and the last page is Nightcrawler being attacked alone by the monstrous, Bigfoot-esque Wendigo.

Also we learn Angel has joined the team to make up for Cyclops quitting (Kitty being Jean Grey's replacement). Also Kitty starts taking dance lessons from some black lady named Stevie Hunter. Why is that in a comic book? Who gives a shit if Kitty takes dance lessons? Although I would like to practice the horizontal mambo with Kitty, if you know what I mean (hint: penis in vagina).

It's a two-parter story that gets resolved next issue. Also only 4 more Claremont-Byrne issues left. Also Angel has one of the shittiest super powers ever. Giant feathery wings that let him fly? Not only is it totally impractical, you can't do any damage. Why he doesn't carry a gun with him at all times is one of the great mysteries of X-Men lore. A big fucking dumb ass retarded mystery.

X-Men Annual 4: LIVE, DIRECT FROM HELL, IT'S NIGHTCRAWLER

WHAT WE LEARNED THIS ISSUE:

CHRIS CLAREMONT HAS READ DANTE'S INFERNO, OR THE CLIFF'S NOTES OF IT, IF THEY HAD CLIFF'S NOTES IN 1980

NIGHTCRAWLER TURNED 21, AND FOR HIS BIRTHDAY, WOLVERINE GAVE NIGHTCRAWLER A PICTURE OF HIMSELF

DR STRANGE USED TO BE A REAL DOCTOR, NOW HE WEARS TIGHTS AND A LITTLE SKIRT

THIS ISSUE WAS FUCKING STUPID

This is a pretty shitty annual, just like last year's also shitty piece of shit. It starts with Nightcrawler having his 21st birthday party. When he opens a mysterious unidentified gift, it explodes in his face and sucks him start to hell!

And then most of the other X-Men follow him right to fucking hell! Except Cyclops, because that pussy quit when Jean died and went to hell! So he doesn't go to hell!

(every time you say hell you have to extenuate the eeeeeeeeeell part)

Oh and Professor Xavier calls Dr Strange and Dr Strange goes to hell!

And the X-Bags and Cocktor Strange fight through what we're told (over and fucking over again by the narrator), are scenes from Dante's Inferno. It's pretty boring and in the end we realize that it wasn't hell at all. Nope, not hell! Instead it was Nightcrawler's adopted mother, who happens to be a gypsy sorceress, set up the whole illusion with her incredible magical powers. Sure, why the fuck not!

Also Nightcrawler's old step sister is revealed to be his current girlfriend, Amanda Sefton. She also has magical powers and was disguising herself.

Also Nightcrawler's step brother used to be his best friend but then he turned evil and so Nightcrawler killed him, which is why his adopted mom set this whole thing up, to make him think he was being punished for his sins. Until he finally gets a chance to explain everything to her (like his bro turning evil and all). Right after Crawler killed his brother the towns people tried to lynch him and then Xavier saved him way back in GS X-Men which is why the Mom never got a chance to here the truth. Or some dumb shit.

All of this would have been a cool origin story if they didn't squish it into barely 2 pages, because the way it's told makes no fucking sense. Also John Romita Jr draws this with Bob McLeod, and its not terrible but its sub John Byrne.

It still sucks though. Instead of the pointless Dante's Inferno nonsense which isn't even real, Claremont should have spent most of the issue on Nightcrawler's back story with his former gypsy family. But instead, Claremont wants to show off his knowledge of Dante so fucking badly it's embarrassing. Also the dialog is chunky, awkward and borderline non-sequiter. Here are the X-Men and their retarded banter at the end of the issue. See if you can follow whats going on.

Wolverine [talking about Kitty Pryde]: She's a nice kid, but fer a genius - real slow on the uptake, y'know?

Colossus: Her trouble, Wolverine, is that, unlike you, she speaks English.

Nightcrawler: What a cut! Score one for the big guy!

Storm: Madness, utter madness. It's wonderful.

Kitty Pryde [thinking]: Peter's wonderful.

See? fucking nonsense. Colossus is supposedly making a joke (or a 'cut' apparently). Storm is revealing in the allegedly witty banter and Kitty has a raging female boner for Colossus.

I think. Anyway, its over and I've spent way to long on it all ready.

You should have fuckin stayed in hell, Nightcrawler, you asshole!

X-Men 138: Jean Grey: Worm Food

WHAT WE LEARNED THIS ISSUE:

JEAN GREY: DEADER THAN GARY COLEMAN

CYCLOPS FUCKIN QUIT

KITTY PRYDE FUCKIN JOINED

LILANDRA GAVE JEAN GREY'S PARENTS A SNOW GLOBE TO SAY THEY'RE SORRY

no fuckin recap this time!

that's because this issue is a recap of every other X-Men comic up until now, all in under 22 pages. Which would be awesome if this was your first X-men comic ever, but since we're seasoned X-Vets by now, we can skip all that shit.

Instead, I'd like to sum up a brief time line of Scott and Jean's life together, from the pages of X-Men 94-137 that I just re-skimmed.

After sixty some issues of silver age angst and absolutely no bonage, action is picked up in Giant Size X-Men were Cyclops and the all new, all different X-men save Jean and the rest of the original X-Men. When the get back to the X-Mansion, Jean and the rest of the originals except Cyclops quit. Jean isn't heard from again until Jean and Scott go on a date on Christmas day. After a brief make out session, Jean is kidnapped by Sentinels and taken into space. Scott eventually goes up tot rescue her but on their return home their space shuttle crashes in Jamaica Bay in New York. Jean emerges as Phoenix but still needs to spend some time in the hospital to recover. Scott then leaves Jean in the hospital to help the rest of the X-Men out in Ireland. Later Jean is attacked in her apartment by the Firelord. She eventually hooks up with the rest of the X-Men and end up on another planet where she saves the universe. When they return to Earth Jean tells Scott she doesn't want to discuss their relationship. Then they are kidnapped by Mesmero and Magneto. When they finally escape form Magneto, Jean and Beast end up believing the rest of the X-Men are dead and vice versa. They don't reunite until a years worth of comics later on Muir Island. There they fight Proteus together. A week after defeating Proteus, they leave Muir Island (and Jean and Scott have made out at least one more time), the X-Men meet Kitty Pryde and the Dazzler. The next day they fly out to New Mexico to meet Angel. After Scott and Jean finally bone and a week goes by, they fight the Hellfire club, and Jean Grey becomes the Black Queen for a few hours, and then Dark Phoenix. Jean kills a solar system and then has to fight for her life against the Shi'ar Imperial Guard, which she does and then kills herself.

Thats the sum of their relationship. a few make out sessions, followed by one week of boning at Angel's pad in New Mexico. Then she dies. But then, Romeo and Juliet only spent one night together before everything went to shit in Verona, so whatever.

Well, so long Jean Grey, have fun getting fisted in hell.

X-Men 137: The Fate of the Fetus... is death! sorry, spoiler alert!

WHAT WE LEARNED FROM THIS ISSUE:

WHEN AN X-MEN DIES, YOU GIVE THEM 35 PAGES OF ASS KICKING ACTION

THE DARK PHOENIX IS THE BLACK ANGEL OF LEGEND - CHAOS BRINGER - RAVAGER OF WORLDS - PROLAPSER OF ANUSES

THREE WHOLE RACES OF FUCKING ALIENS WHAT JEAN GREY DEAD - THE SHI'AR, KREE AND SKRULLS, BUT NOT ALF AND THE MELMACIANS, THEY'RE COOL WITH HER

THE BEAST IS TOTALLY GOING TO PLOW HIS SHI'AR SERVANT, WHO IS BASICALLY IMPLIED TO BE A PROSTITUTE

THERES A SECTION OF THE MOON CALLED THE BLUE AREA THAT HAS EARTH NORMAL ENVIRONMENTS AND RUINS OF AN ANCIENT YET ADVANCED CIVILIZATION - SURE WHATEVER

CYCLOPS' EYE BEAM GOES ZARK!

UATU THE WATCHER HAS A WEIRD FUGGIN HOUSE

THE ONLY WAY JEAN GREY COULD STOP THE PHOENIX FORCE WAS TO KILL HERSELF, AND SHE DID! HAVE FUN BURNING IN HELL FOR THAT

JEAN GREY COULD HAVE LIVED TO BECOME A GOD. BUT IT WAS MORE IMPORTANT TO HER THAT SHE DIE... A HUMAN

it is a fuggin recap: We learned a lot this issue, and that's because it had over 50% more pages for a little more than 50% of the price (which was a whopping 75 cents). When Marvel editorial gives the OK to whack a founding member of a Silver Age, created by Stan Lee and Jack Kirby no less, they go all out. There is an interesting story for dork asses about how Claremont and Byrne originally weren't going to kill Jean Grey but then Jim Shooter, the Ed in Chef, was like, no way dude, she killed 5 billion fish people, you can't let her off the hook. Anyway, its totally fascinating for loser geeks like me so I encourage you all to look it up on the internet too, ya big nerdlinger.

The issue starts off with a prologue by the Watcher, an over sized bald headed freak who just watches Earth from the moon and talks to the comic reader every now and then. Hes completely useless in this issue but I guess it can be an all right literary device. Whatever, the point is the X-Men and Jean Grey are hauled before the Imperial Shi'ar court were Lilandra, Charlie Xavier's fuck buddy, has declared Jean Grey too dangerous to live, on account of the Phoenix force she harbors.

The X-Men don't appreciate the summary judgement, and so they decide to fight it out, X-Bags vs Shi'ar Imperial Guards (who are also all super hero types), with the ffate off Jean Grey determined by the victor. The Kree and the Skrulls, more fuggin aliens, decide they want Jean dead too and each send a fighter to tip the scales in the favor of the Imperial Guard.

And then the go to the moon and fight! Yes, the Earth's moon. I don't get it either but it doesn't matter, cause theres 20 glorious pages of super hero battling going on. It's so fucking sweet I can't even describe it. Also I'm tired and don't feel like it. As one would expect, the outnumbered X-Men are worn down and end up losing. Until it's just Jean and Scott left and their getting wailed on. And just when the Phoenix force starts to flare up in Jean again, she uses the last bit off humanity left and telekinetically commands a gun to blow her self to smithereens. So long Jean Grey.

What made this issue so incredibly dope, besides all the gnarly super hero fighting, was that going in, you fully expect the X-Men to win and Jean to figure out a way to live. I mean this is a not insignificant character in the Marvel Universe, she can't possibly die! This is a comic book for chrissake!

But die she does. Though if you were reading it when it came out of the newsstand, you could assume that through some comic book hooey she is revived next issue, but that doesn't happen. She is totally dead, and they, Claremont, Byrne and the Marvel editors, totally planned to keep her that way. That is until 5 years went by and the powers that be decided to retcon her back to life, but thats neither here nor there.

There other nice part about this issue is the dearth of corny exposition or hokey stage directions from the narrator. Claremont manages to keep his big yapper shut for most of issue and he lets the characters and their actions most of the talking, which is nice.

Anyway, Jean Grey is fucking dead and the Dark Phoenix Saga (which it won't be called until it is collected and reprinted - a very rare thing at the time - much later), finally ends. It all started way back in X-Men 101, when the X-Men and faggot Dr Corbeau are flying back from space and the Phoenix force came to Jean to help her save everyone's life.

So that was sweet, my nerd boner is fully turgid, I can assure you. But only a few more Claremont/Byrne stories left, before Byrne moves on to being the writer/artist of about two thirds of Marvel's entire line up at one time or another. But they still have a few more kick ass stories left. Ok, well, fucking blow me.

X-Men 136: Child of Light and Planet Shattering Farts

WHAT WE LEARN THIS ISSUE:

ALIENS CALL EARTH, SOL-3 AND EARTHLINGS, TERRANS. HEY ALIENS, SPEAK ANGLISH!

JEAN GREY IS BENEFICENT NO LONGER!

WHEN IT COMES TIME TO PERMANENTLY END THE DARK PHOENIX PROBLEM BY STABBING JEAN'S HEAD OFF WITH HIS CLAWS, WOLVERINE TOTALLY PUSSES OUT!

CYCLOPS PROPOSED TO JEAN, WITH HIS MIND, AND SHE SAID YES, WITH HER MOUTH!

Recap: Dark Phoenix has been such a cunt lately, with her mass murdering and all, that Shi'ar Empress and Xavier sperm receptacle Lilandra has to call an emergency meeting of her grand council, where a whole bunch of freaky lookin aliens with wack ass names decide that if the empire - nay this universe, is to survive... PHOENIX MUST BE DESTROYED.

Shit, even Jimmy Carter calls the "Avenjuhs" and tells them to be ready because an energy force of unknown origins but considerable power is approaching earth. Fuck.

Dark Phoenix does indeed come back to Earth, stopping at her parents house to say bye to her fam. Dark Phoenix only wants to obliterate them but Jean's subconscious is fighting back. And while she's in the midst of threatening her dad, the X-Men get off their angsty asses and attack!

The fight is more about appealing to whatever shreds of humanity Jean Grey may have left rather than physically confronting the Phoenix force. It sounds super duper corny, and it is, but it also works. I dare say its the best writing of Claremont's career, and Byrne handles Jean Grey's changes from black hearted ravager of worlds to noble spirited human super hero with skill and deftness. Look, its totally gay, but I don't care, I love this shit.

Anyway, Xavier finally gets through to Jean, who was also fighting the Phoenix Force from within her own mind, and she ends up sorta back to normal. But then, just when you think its over, they're zapped away by some teleportation device and we're left with a cliffhanger, with a promise that next month will reveal the "end of an epic" in a 35 page masterwork. Oh and also Angel is there because he flew Xavier's crippled all the wat to the Hudson Valley from god damn New Mexico.

Anyway, next issue is the fuggin tits, I can't wait!

X-Men 135: Dark Fetus

WHAT WE LEARN THIS ISSUE:

YIDDISH THIS NIGHTCRAWLER KNOWS: OY FLIPPIN VEY, HE SAYS

THE D'BARI SOLAR SYSTEM IS FUCKED

STORM CAN'T TELL JOKES FOR SHIT

THE SHI'AR IMPERIAL BATTLE CRUISER IS FUCKED

THE PHOENIX IS RETURNING TO EARTH, AND ITS HUNGRY!

my balls your recap: This issue is huge and because of the literary discretion employed by Claremont and Byrne, massive changes to the X-Men universe ensue. It all starts with Jean Grey finally losing her god damn mind and succumbing to the Phoenix Force. She may have needed this power to stop the M'Krann Crystal (remember that?) from destroying the universe, but she is a just a woman, and can not handle the power. She turns into a blood thirsty psychopathic named Dark Phoenix and doesn't give a fuck about anything.

So she starts fucking up the X-Men, big time. Rather creatively in some cases, like when Colossus uproots a try to try and swat her out of the sky (which is a pretty stupid plan, btw), Dark Phoenix first turns super strong metal Colossus into regular old fleshly Peter Rasputin. Then, when Wolverine goes to help Peter hold up this fucking tree thats about to squash him, Dark Phoenix turns the tree INTO SOLID GOLD. Shit. But for some reason, tons of solid gold being dropping on their heads doesn't seem to phase either and theyre both OK.

After dominating her old team mates (and in Cyclops' case, lover, ooooh), Phoenix decides to go into space and fuck more shit up. This is noticed by a slew of useless cameos such as Reed Richards and Ben grim (Mr Fantastic and the Thing), Dr. Strange, Spider-Man, the Silver Surfer and that dickhead from StarCore, Dr. Corbeau. yeah, remember that asshole? Well hes in a few panels for no reason whatsoever.

Anyway, Dark Phoenix starts by consuming a star, whic happens to be orbited by by a planet filled with six billion fish people. They are known as the D'Bari, even though at first that is just the name given to the sun Dark Phoenix eats, but either way, theyre caught in the aftermath of Dark Phoenix's sun snack (a deadly phoenix phart supernova, perhaps?) and they all die. It's pretty terrifying to read as an impressionable 9 year old, let me tell you.

The D'Bari are under the protection of the Shi'ar Empire, an alien race of bird people. One oftheir military space cruisers happened to be in the area and decide to go check out what happened. Obviously they get their shit ruined by Dark Phoenix as well.

The issue ends with all the remaining X-Men plus Beast, who left his post at Avengers Mansion where he is currently employed to help his old X-Dong pals, in the X-Mansion, fretting about the whole 'dark phoenix thing'. That's what Cyclops says he can sense Dark Phoenix through his psychic rapport with Jean, and that Dark Phoenix is coming back to Earth, AND ITS HUNGRY!

This was a massive, massive issue, and in the Marvel Universe, possessed or not, heroes just can't commit genocide and expect to get away with it. Or specicide for that matter. And there will be serious consequences for Jean in the next few issues. Also Senator Robert Kelly makes a guest appearance, foreshadowing some awesome issues later on down the road.

So here we are, smack dab in the middle off the Dark phoenix Saga, recently voted the #1 storyline in the history of American comics by some blog. Fucking nerds!

X-Men 134: Too late, the heroes! To apologize, oh yeah it’s too late! It’s too late!

WHAT WE LEARN THIS ISSUE:

IF MASTERMIND’S TRUE APPEARNACE ISN’T THAT OF THE PROTOTYPCIAL PEDOPHILE, I DON’T KNOW WHAT IS

HARRY LELAND IS STILL A TUBBY BITCH

THE BEAST WORKS FOR THE FUCKIN AVENGERS

CYBORGS HAVE FEELINGS TOO

WE ARE ALL REALLY FUCKED NOW!

Journey up my recap: Cyclops didn’t die (see, Nightcrawler, you worry wart!) but he and the rest of the X-Men are still being held captive by the Hellfire Club’s inner circle, which includes Jean Grey, who has been turned into the evil Black Queen by that turd sniffer Mastermind.

But, by killing Cyclops on the astral plane (I still have no idea what the fuck that is supposed to be) Mastermind inadvertently broke his own spell on Jean Grey, de-ensorcellating her. She then frees Cyclops, who frees the rest of the X-Men, and who then proceed to beat the crap out of the inner circle. And Wolverine finally shows up to help, informing Sebastian Shaw: “you an me got business – an all the flunkies in creation ain’t gonna keep me away!” Yeah, go get em, Wolvie!

It’s the opposite of last issue’s fight and the X-Men, learning from their past mistakes, hand the inner circle a pretty vicious butt whuppin. Jean Grey, having done Bob Marley proud and emancipated herself from mental slavery, corners Mastermind and discovers that Mastermind had combined his illusion casting powers with a ‘Mindtap Mechanism’ fashioned by that pasty bitch the White Queen, to help control Jean’s mind. Super pissed and overflowing with raging Phoenix Force, Jean gets medieval on poor Mastermind’ anus.

Here’s how Claremont described the punishment Jean levied on the now helpless Mastermind: “At Jean’s touch, his mind expands at the speed of though, racing instantly from one side of reality to the other, through all the infinite reaches of space and time. In the blink of an eye, Mastermind finds himself in touch with the universe – his brain flooded with all the myriad absolute, contradictory truths of existence. He screams. Unable to cope, he runs. Unable to escape, he drowns. He is, after all, only human – a man of limited awareness, limited power, limited ability, transformed in a twinkling into a god. Some people can handle the experience. Some people can’t.” It’s strongly implied here that Mastermind decidedly can’t handle it, and his shit is altogether ruined. Jean then kicks him while he’s unconscious (or panconscious, I guess), taunting, “Enjoy your ‘trip’, Jason. You won’t be coming back.”

Some heavy fucking doo doo right there, man.

So all’s well that ends well right? Um, nope, in the last page, Jean explodes the getaway jet the X-Men are escaping in and informs them all that she’s totally flipped her shit and is no longer the woman they knew. She is fire and life incarnate. She is, now and forever, Dark Phoenix, and we’re all in deep shit.

X-Men 133: Wolverine Alone! Or, THE LITTLE RUNT LIVES!!! RARR!!!! KILLRENDMAINDESTORY!!!

WHAT WE LEARN IN THIS ISSUE:

WOLVERINE IS NOT TO BE FUCKED WITH. EVER!

WOLVERINE DOES A PRETTY LOUSY DIRTY HARRY IMPRESSION

THIS COMIC BOOK BLEW MY FUCKING MIND WHEN I READ THIS IN AN X-MEN CLASSIC REPRINT WHEN I WAS LIKE 8 YEARS OLD

THERES A TIME FER SCRAPPIN AN A TIME FER BEIN SNEAKY. EITHER WAY, WOLVERINE’S THE BEST THERE IS!

CYLOPS GETS STABBED TO DEATH IN THE ASTRAL PLANE, WHATEVER THE FUCK THAT IS

This friggin recap: Hey look, more henchmen! Hellfire Henchman roll call continue: Salvatore! Cam! Jacko! Mancusi! Skipper! Murray! Angelo! Cole! Rosen! Lou!

Holy crap Wolverine spends 4 and a third pages slicing up 4 Hellfire henchmen and it is SO SWEET. HE FUCKING MURDERS THEM! He takes his claws and he’s like SNIKT, SNIKT, SLICE, you’re totally dead, bitch! Oh god its awesome.

The rest of the X-Men are still being held captive by the inner circle of the Hellfire Club, which now includes Jean Grey, who, because of Jason Wyngarde/Mastermind, thinks it’s the 18^th century and she is the evil Black Queen. She’s also a total fucking racist and calls Storm her slave! (ironic since she’s mentally enslaved herself, no?) That fuckin cracker bitch!

Shaw reveals, like the true idiot comic super villain he is, that his ultimate evil master plan is to isolate the mutant gene and custom build an army of super powered minions. He’ll use the X-Men to experiment on. Good luck, moron, why not try finding some other mutants that aren’t a team of super heroes?

Back in New Mexico, Xavier foreshadows doom with Angel, and Moira likewise portends disaster with Banshee on Muir Island. Jeez, buncha negative Nancys these guys.

Then we see Wolverine fight his way toward the captured X-Men but gets delayed by some more goons, while Cyclops, in a last ditch effort to free Jean from her deluded psychic prison, challenges Mastermind to a duel on the astral plane. I’m not really sure how all that works either, but it happens, and Cyclops is run through by Mastermind’s blade (do I detect subtle homoerotic undertones, hmm?) He subsequently collapses in the physical world and Nightcrawler screams like a little girl that Cyclops is dead. Don’t be so hasty, Kurt, I know it’s a cliffhanger but do you really think Cyclops is going to just die?

Next issue, we find out what’s got Xavier’s and Moira’s panties all bunched up their butts.

X-Men 132: And Hellfire is their name! and raping is their game!

WHAT WE LEARN THIS ISSUE:

ANGEL’S GIRLFRIEND CANDY SOUTHERN HAS A STRIPPER NAME AND TIG OLE BIDDIES

CYCLOPS AND JEAN GREY BONE ON THE TOP OF A MOUNTAIN BLUFF IN THE NEW MEXICAN DESERT (YES!)

THE SEWERS OF MANHATTAN ARE 10 FEET HIGH WITH MILES OF ELECTRICAL WIRES RUNNING THROUGH THEM

HARRY LELAND IS A GREAT BIG FATSO!!!

Total recap party time: The X-persons are crashing a Hellfire party to see why those jerks keep fuckin with them. Xavier tell Cyclops it’s thinks they’re walking into a giant trap, and they totally ARE! But Slim says there’s no other way. BUT THERES MILLIONS OF WAYS! What’s the fuckin rush?!? Just stake them out for a while! Emma Frost’s secret liar had a huge gate outside that said ‘Frost Enterprises’. HOW HARD CAN THIS SHIT BE?

But no, the X-clowns are in a big damn hurry, so they fly over to former X-Man Warren “Angel” Worthington III (hey his initials spell WWIII, I just realized that. Neat!) and ask for some tickets to the next shin dig because Warren is uber rich and a member himself (just not of the secret inner circle that is comprised solely of super villains). Then Jean and Scott bone (nice!).

Later, in NYC on fancy schmancy Fifth Avenue, Storm, Colossus, Cyclops and Jean Grey waltz into the spiffed out Hellfire Club party while Wolvie and Kurt crawl around in the incredibly spacious New York subway underneath.

Not long after they arrive, Jason Wyngarde pulls some shit again, and finally it is revealed that he is Mastermind! Cyclops tries to stop him but it’s too late and he’s got Jean under complete control now. She annihilates Scott with an energy blast that goes SPLOW and looks totally hot in her black leather dominatrix outfit.

The rest of the X-Men get clobbered by the rest of the inner circle of the Hellfire Club: Sebastian Shaw, whose powers include kinetic energy absorption and androgenic alopecia; Donald Pierce, who is a cyborg but not unfortunately Robocop; and Harry Leland who is a fat fuck who can make people gain mass. WTF that’s totally impossible. It’s called the conservation of matter law you dick, stop trying to fuck with Newtonian physics.

So it looks like curtains for our heroes, as their unconscious bodies are piled up in front of the inner circle as they cheer Jean Grey’s crossing over to the dark side. But wait, where’s Wolverine? Oh yeah, Leland piledrove him back into the sewers, he’s probably gone forever. No chance of him coming back and killing heaps of bad guys. Or is there? Yes, there’s his hand, pulling himself up out of the filth, looking really pissed off, he snarls “Okay suckers – you’ve taken yer best shot! NOW IT’s MY TURN!”

Holy fuck those bad guys are in big trouble now! Next issue kicks all sorts of ass, obviously.

X-Men 131: Run for your life! Run for the hiiiiiiiills!

WHAT WE LEARNED FROM THIS ISSUE:

DAZZLER FIGHTS CRIME IN SEQUENED ROLLER-SKATES

THE HELLFIRE CLUB IS A GROUP OF WEALTHY INDUSTRIALISTS WHO SEEK PREEMINENT SOCIAL, POLITICAL AND ECONOMIC POWER IN THE WORLD

WOLVERINE IS ONE HAIRY MOTHERFUCKER – HEY TAKE THAT SWEATER OFF WHY DON’T YOU?

Once more, unto the recap: It’s the Ex-Men (now they are ladies) versus the Hellfire club. Or the Hellfire Club’s henchmen anyway. Quick: Hellfire Henchman roll call! Salvatore! Cam! Jacko! Mancusi! Skipper!(there’ll be more in subsequent issues).

The issue starts with the X-Men rescuing Kitty Pryde from a car full of evil Hellfire Club henchmen like we knew they would. Jean Grey specifically stops them by totally fucking the car up with her awesome powers. Also in grand comic book tradition, the henchman have about a 3 minute second conversation in a panel that should take no more than a split second’s worth of time.

It’s like this: “hey man, we’re like 10 feet from that chick and we’re flooring it, what do you think is going to happen? Let’s see if we can run her over. Man I can’t believe she’s not getting out of the way. We should have driven 50 yards past her by now but instead we’re still wondering if she’s going to get out of the way or not. Well, I guess we’ll find out sooner or-“ BAM! and the goons go flying through the windshield.

The rest of the issue is the Cyke, Jean, Kurt (that’s Nightcrawler), Kitty and Dazzler (who still has no name yet) freeing Storm, Petey (Colossus), and Wolverine from Hellfire jail. And the finale is Jean Grey as the terrifying and awesome Phoenix Phorce laying waste to the hopelessly outclassed Emma Frost. Jean Grey is awesomely turning into a total bad ass as the Phoenix force slowly turns her more aggressive (abetted by Wyngarde’s malicious mental manipulations – fuck now they’ve got me talking like a comic book writer). Before wrecking the White Queen’s pasty ass, Jean taunts her: “I understand you call yourself something of a telepath. Well ‘your majesty’, let’s see how good you really are.” Rowr! I’d like to show that young lady my phoenix force if you know what I mean, (I mean boner).

Lots of cool action as the X-Men storm the breaches of the Hellfire liar (not their main one, just the not so inconspicuous warehouse called Frost Enterprises where the White Queen had her own personal sub-liar). And then when the X-Men return Kitty to their parent’s house, Mr. Pyrde is naturally a bit pissed off - so Jean Grey just controls his mind and makes him happy about the whole ordeal. No problems with Mrs. Pryde though, that bitch knows her place!

Oh and Dazzler says she doesn’t want to be part of the X-Men, so she’s free to star in her own ongoing series after contributing absolutely nothing to this X-Men storyline (except setting up a meaningless battle that could’ve been set up a million different other ways). Next ish – more fuggin Hellfire Club!

X-Men 130: Bedazzler – er I mean, Dazzler

WHAT WE LEARNED THIS ISSUE:

DISCO IS NOT DEAD, MUTHAFUCKA

EVIL CRIMNAL VANS HAVE SHITLOADS OF BUTTONS IN THEM

STORM DOESN’T KNOW HER OWN PHONE NUMBER

THE X-MEN ROLL HARD ON THE DOUBLE R’S

GOING TO CLUBS IN 1979 MEANS PUTTING A PAPERCLIP THROUGH YOUR NOSE

A fuggin disco recap!

The Hellfire Club and the X-Men both go chasing after another new mutant. This time, a fully grown woman who sings in seedy disco clubs in lower Manhattan. The club is hilarious, by the way, full of punks, disco queens and blaxploitation pimps.

Jean Grey and Cyclops roll up in a Rolls Royce and enter the club while Nightcrawler runs recon. They’re attacked, but because they have the motherphucking phoenix phorce on their side, they rather easily prevail over the armored Hellfire goons. Not, however, before Wyngarde shows up in person and makes Jean Grey hallucinate back to the 18^th century again, this time tricking her into making out with him in the club (no bottle full of bub, however) in full view of Cyclops, who watches on and does nothing like an impotent nutless tampon.

Back at the Hellfire secret lair, Kitty is detected, but not before Storm slips her a piece of cloth with a phone number for the X-Men on it (why the fuck would you ever sew that into your uniform?) which she uses to contact the rest of the uncaptured team.

So Kitty Pyrde, the 13.5 year old who earlier his day was at ballet practice, is running for her life from a bunch of costumed super villains, and Phoenix, Cyclops, Nightcrawler and Dazzler all speed off to her rescue. Dazzler, by the way, has the power to make a really intense lightshow that causes people to fall into a trance. Wow, talk about the softest of all mutant powers. What would you do if you were a dude with this power? Fucking hang myself, probably.

Ok, next time we find out if they X-Dorks save Kitty (hint, they do!).

X-Men 129: God Spare the Child… these overly dramatic cornball titles

WHAT WE LEARNED THIS ISSUE:

PROFESSOR XAVIER IS MAD DICKISH

THE HELLFIRE CLUB TREATS OBJECTS LIKE WOMEN

WOLVERINE READS PENTHOUSE FOR THE ARTICLES

Suck my recap: The X-Pals leave Muir Island without powerless pussy whipped Banshee. Jason Wyngarde keep screwing with Jean Grey, making her think shes living in the 18^th century and betrothed to Wyngarde, because Claremont and Byrne are a bunch of foppish dandies who watched far too much BBC as kids.

Back at the X-Mansion, Chuckie Xavier is back and tries to treat the new team, including Wolverine who later in marvel canon is revealed to be over one hundred years old, like a bunch of high schools kids. After Wolverine tells Chaz X that he’s no flaming amateur, bub, Cyclops tries to talk to Xavier about toning things down, at which point Xavier blames everything that’s not going the way he wants on Cyclops’ failures as a team leader. Charles Xavier just may have the worst managerial instincts in the history of the universe.

Then we meet the shadowy collection of villains who call themselves the Hellfire Club, of which Jason Wyngarde is a member. Also a member is the White Queen, Emma Frost, whose idea of a practical outfit is a cape, underwear, a corset and thigh high boots. Come on now!

Emma Frost and the X-Men both then go to Chicago to try and recruit the newest mutant and stereotypical comic reader’s wet dream, Kitty Pryde, to their respective teams. The two sides end up duking it out at a malt shoppe, where soda is advertised as $1.25 (seems high for 1980, no?) and the proprietor doesn’t appreciate Wolverine flipping through his porno mags without paying for the privilege (“This ain’t no liberry, fella,” he says).

The X-Men beat the Hellfire’s armored goons but are no match for the White Queen’s vicious mind rapes (or whatever you call her psychic attacks) and are thrown in a jet and hauled off back to the Hellfire Club. Kitty managed to escape their clutches, however, and stows away in the ship, unbeknownst to the immensely powerful psychic, the White Queen, who’s whole mission’s purpose is to locate and abduct Kitty Pryde.

So there we have the first appearance of two huge characters in X-Men lore, Kitty Pryde and Emma Frost, who I think we can all agree should just kiss already. KISS! KISS! KISS! KISS!

Also noteworthy is the amour the Hellfire’s goons wear is outfitted with a self destruct mechanism that is designed to be exploded while they’re wearing it if they fail their mission. Who the fuck signs up for this gig? There are easier ways to make a dishonest buck, I’m sure.

And super villain Sebastian Shaw makes his first cameo. Shit this issue was fucking loaded. How do they plan on topping it? By introducing the Dazzler next issue! Holy fuck I can’t wait to see what that shit means!

X-Men 128: The Action of a Tiger – A tiger that at no point whatsoever appears in this issue

WHAT WE LEARNED THIS ISSUE:

CHRIS CLAREMONT AND JOHN BYRNE HAVE DEFINITELY EXPERIMENTED WITH DRUGS

PROTEUS LIKES TO TURN GLASS INTO BEES AND HIS MOM INTO AN MUTANT ELEPHANT-BAT

CYCLOPS AND HAVOC, BECAUSE THEY ARE BROTHERS, ARE IMMUNE TO EACH OTHER’S POWERS, FARTS

MOIRA MACTAGGERT, THE SLUT, JUST SAW HER HUSBAND AND ONLY SON DIE IN THE SAME DAY BUT IS STILL IN THE MOOD TO HAVE A FIERCE MAKE OUT SESS WITH BANSHEE

Way too fuggin long of a recap: Proteus is holding Moira hostage and turning the city of Edinburgh inside out, literally, with his reality distorting mutant power. The X-Men, because they are mental midgets with the moral and ethical depth of a shot glass, still don’t want to kill Proteus, because taking a life in any circumstance is wrong. Due to their being such yawning vaginas, Proteus killed a bunch of innocent people. However at the end of the issue, the only way the X-Men could figure out how to stop Proteus was by killing him anyway. What a bunch of prolapsed assholes.

This is typical comic book ethics. A super villain will, for some reason, set up a choice for a super hero. To save these ten people, you will have to kill this one person (or let them die, whatever). The motive for the super villain is usually to show the doo-gooding superhero that they’re no better than then the super villain, in that they are choosing to take someone’s life. To resolve this dilemma, the super hero usually rejects the entire choice stating “there… must… be… another… way!” and manages to save all everyone involved.

Of course this is bullshit, and as people in the military know (and I would know, I’ve watched every episode of Battlestar Galactica), you often are forced to choose between the lesser of two evils. It’s called life, bitches, so just suck it up, X-Bags. Storm is the worst about this, by the way (an yes I know I’m talking about a fictional character, so what). She would actually stop the hypothetical sniper from 1938 from blowing Hitler’s head smooth off. That self-righteous cunt.

Haha… right… anyway, Colossus uses his metal fists to punchersize Proteus into nothingness (oh no… my only weakness… fists!) and he dies. Here’s how Claremont describes that cataclysmic event: “Colossus smashes his organic steel fists into the heart of Proteus’ energy form. And that’s only the beginning of his ordeal, as Colossus’ dense molecular structure totally disrupts the delicately balanced energy matrices that makes up the rogue mutant. In a sense, he short-circuits Proteus, scattering every fabric of the villain’s being—every scrap of consciousness—to the four corners of the Earth.”

Such sweet poetry. A salve to sooth the spastic soul. Words as nectar for nerds like Mountain Dew and Cheeto dust. So long, Proteus, don’t let the pyrotechnics hit your rapidly disintegrating ass on your way toward oblivion.

Dubious ethical soup aside, a very solid four issue arc for Claremont and Byrne. After wrapping up two issue battle with Arcade as the Monster-of-the-Week, we finally see what all this Mutant X foreshadowing nonsense was all about. And it was pretty decent. Moira’s character is fleshed out, Wolvie, Cyclops and Jean Grey continue their angst-triangle, and we got some really trippy fight signs. Sure, we’re still seeing text boxes with stage directions and superfluous expository prose, but its comics in the late 70s, early 80’s, that’s what you get.

Next, we find out with this fucking dandy off a fop, Jason Wyngarde, is all about, at the start off the motherfucking Dark Phoenix Saga. Yeah! It’s going to be tits!

X-Men 127: The Quality of Hatred, is high if you consider how bad these titles are

WHAT WE LEARNED FROM THIS ISSUE:

CLAREMONT IS NOW JUST RADOMLY STRINGING TOGETHER DRAMATICLY SOUNDING WORDS TOGETHER IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER TO FORM ISSUE TITLES

CYCLOPS IS CLEARLY UNAWARE OF THE THEORY OF MORAL UTILITARIANISM

MOIRA MACTAGGERT IS A FINE LOOKING PIECE OF ASS FOR PUSHING 40

IN SCOTLAND, ITS NO BIG DEAL IF A MEMBER OF PARLIAMENT WHO IS A ‘SURE BET’ TO BECOME THE NEXT PRIME MINSTER DIES

SCOTLAND FUCKING BLOWS

A mercifully brief recap: Right before Proteus can finish off Storm, Moira MacTaggert, Proteus’ mom, tries to assassinate him with a sniper rifle. She misses (because pussy whipped Cyclops doesn’t believe in taking a life, even a deranged psychopathic serial killer with near limitless power and a unquenchable thirst for murder, spoils her aim) and so Proteus runs away to Edinburgh, where he finds his dad, Moira’s still legal husband, Joe MacTaggert, and kills him. But Joe was a raging mega douche so no big deal there.

The entire X-crew, reunited and fighting together at last (san Professor Xavier, because he’s luxuriating in space, because he is an annoying character to have in battles so they wrote him out of the book for this arc), find Proteus and get ready for the final battle, which will happen next issue. Man they are really milking this Mutant X storyline for all it’s worth.

No Jason Wyngarde/Mastermind Phoenix Phucking this issue. And Moira’s husband makes one of the briefest appearances by any X-Men supporting characters. Anyway, next issue, the end of Proteus, I swear.

X-Men 126: How Sharper than a serpent’s tooth…! What the fuck is that supposed to mean? How sharper? How sharper is anything?

WHAT WE LEARNED FROM THIS ISSUE:

IF ONE OF MADROX THE MULTIPLE MAN’S DUPLICATES JERKS OFF THE ORIGINAL MULTIPLE MAN ITS TOTALLY NOT GAY AT ALL

MUTANT X WOULD BE REALLY POPULAR AT PHISH CONCERTS

Fuggin recap: The X-Men are on the loose on Muir Island, looking for the that prick, Mutant X, for having a terrible name and for prowling around, possessing people, sucking the life out of them and then chucking their dead, lifeless corpses aside for new bodies. But no one cared that he killed Angus “The Fagort” MacWhirter, because nobody ever liked that scrotum licking butt pimple.

Jason Wyngarde (who I forgot, we don’t technically know is Mastermind yet) is phucking with Phoenix some more and keeping her from the action. Eventually Wolverine and Nightcrawler run into Mutant X and it is revealed that Claremont has finally decided on a better name for Mutant X, and it’s Proteus. Which also means Claremont has decided that the Mutant formerly known as X also has reality bending powers to go with the name. Which means Proteus has the power to make anyone he wants feel like they’re on a really bad acid trip (not that I would know what that’s like).

Moira also tells Cyclops rather sheepishly that Mutant X is her son, that she never named him but just calls Mutant X (because Claremont couldn’t be bothered to think of one), that she hates Mutant X’s father and that Mutant X is susceptible to metal (which I’m also assuming Claremont just decided so he could come up with a convenient way of killing him. I mean seriously, after hearing that why wasn’t Cylops like, oh, ok, metal. Cool, no problem, there’s metal all over the fucking the place. Why didn’t you say earlier? This is going to be a cinch).

Oh and Wolverine casually announces that his adamentium skeleton costs a mere $3 million. Come on, that’s it? Even in 1980, that’s only like, $6 million in 2010 dollars (right? I’m not on the internet right now but 30 years at 2% interest or so? Sorry Managerial Finance was like 2 semesters ago, I may be a little off). If that’s all it costs, eve the Canadian government should be able to afford a shit load of Wolverines.

Anyway, the last panel is a cliffhanger of Storm vs Proteus. Who will win???? Find out next month, when we’ll find out that the X-Men will win (duh).

X-Men 125: There’s something awesome on beer island

And its beer! So good I want to have 30 of them. I wish I could drink beer all the time and just ignore my life forever.

WHAT WE LEARN FROM THIS ISSUE:

CHARLIE IS AN AKWARD GUEST AT INTERGALACTIC SPACE PARTIES

MAGNETO HAS A SECCRET HIDEOUT ON AN ORBITING ASTEROID SPACE STATION AND STILL WATCHES OLD BATTLES AGAINST THE X-MEN ON A REEL TO REEL VIDEOTAPE PLAYER

JEAN GREY LOOKS TOTALLY HOT IN A BLACK LEATHER CORSET AND CAN KILL YOU WERE HER GOD LIKE MUTANT POWERS

Recap of the issue: Back on Muir Island, where once there was the inappropriately named Marvel Girl, now there is totally bitchin PHOENIX! And she’s got some serious cans on her. Jean Grey is just chilling and reminiscing in a helpful flashback while Mutant X creepily watches (and masturbates, one can only assume). Mutant X is still on the loose and inhabiting the body of that limp dick hovercraft salesman, Angus MacWhirter.

Meanwhile, the rest of the X-Men, who Jean thinks are dead still, are alive and practicing in the danger room while Magneto convalesces up on Asteroid M while his former flunky Mastermind thinks about how he’s going to totally fuck over Jean Grey, who he’s been stalking and masturbating too since like 10 issues ago.

Mastermind is not very bright, since he’s scheming to manipulate and abuse a mutant who is now revealed to have god-like powers, being able to literally rearrange the atomic structures of matter around her. Moira frets about this while she wonders where Xavier is. Xavier happens to be chilling in space at his alien bird queen girlfriend’s intergalactic space party thinking about the exact same thing, obviously. Before anyone can do shit about dick, however, Phoenix is attacked by Mutant X.

Before we find out how that find will go, the X-Men finally reveal that theyre still alive, by having the Beast accidentally stumble upon them in what he thinks should be a deserted X-Mansion. Because the surviving X-Men couldn’t be bothered to use a phone and let anyone else know that they’re still alive. I mean I get that they though the other X-Men they were separated from died, but come on, they don’t try and contact anyone? How fucking dumb is that? Pretty fucking dumb, I’d say.

Finally, Cyclops picks up the motherfucking telephone and dials up Muir Island, where his brother’s girlfriend picks up, celebrates his sentience and is then also attacked my Mutant X, setting up a royale rumble between the reunited X-Men and Mutant X at Muir Island.

Boy I can’t wait, it’s been since their last battle with Magneto that the X-Men were all together again. And that asshole Mutant X is going to try and ruin everything. Asshole!