X-Men Annual 4: LIVE, DIRECT FROM HELL, IT'S NIGHTCRAWLER

WHAT WE LEARNED THIS ISSUE:

CHRIS CLAREMONT HAS READ DANTE'S INFERNO, OR THE CLIFF'S NOTES OF IT, IF THEY HAD CLIFF'S NOTES IN 1980

NIGHTCRAWLER TURNED 21, AND FOR HIS BIRTHDAY, WOLVERINE GAVE NIGHTCRAWLER A PICTURE OF HIMSELF

DR STRANGE USED TO BE A REAL DOCTOR, NOW HE WEARS TIGHTS AND A LITTLE SKIRT

THIS ISSUE WAS FUCKING STUPID

This is a pretty shitty annual, just like last year's also shitty piece of shit. It starts with Nightcrawler having his 21st birthday party. When he opens a mysterious unidentified gift, it explodes in his face and sucks him start to hell!

And then most of the other X-Men follow him right to fucking hell! Except Cyclops, because that pussy quit when Jean died and went to hell! So he doesn't go to hell!

(every time you say hell you have to extenuate the eeeeeeeeeell part)

Oh and Professor Xavier calls Dr Strange and Dr Strange goes to hell!

And the X-Bags and Cocktor Strange fight through what we're told (over and fucking over again by the narrator), are scenes from Dante's Inferno. It's pretty boring and in the end we realize that it wasn't hell at all. Nope, not hell! Instead it was Nightcrawler's adopted mother, who happens to be a gypsy sorceress, set up the whole illusion with her incredible magical powers. Sure, why the fuck not!

Also Nightcrawler's old step sister is revealed to be his current girlfriend, Amanda Sefton. She also has magical powers and was disguising herself.

Also Nightcrawler's step brother used to be his best friend but then he turned evil and so Nightcrawler killed him, which is why his adopted mom set this whole thing up, to make him think he was being punished for his sins. Until he finally gets a chance to explain everything to her (like his bro turning evil and all). Right after Crawler killed his brother the towns people tried to lynch him and then Xavier saved him way back in GS X-Men which is why the Mom never got a chance to here the truth. Or some dumb shit.

All of this would have been a cool origin story if they didn't squish it into barely 2 pages, because the way it's told makes no fucking sense. Also John Romita Jr draws this with Bob McLeod, and its not terrible but its sub John Byrne.

It still sucks though. Instead of the pointless Dante's Inferno nonsense which isn't even real, Claremont should have spent most of the issue on Nightcrawler's back story with his former gypsy family. But instead, Claremont wants to show off his knowledge of Dante so fucking badly it's embarrassing. Also the dialog is chunky, awkward and borderline non-sequiter. Here are the X-Men and their retarded banter at the end of the issue. See if you can follow whats going on.

Wolverine [talking about Kitty Pryde]: She's a nice kid, but fer a genius - real slow on the uptake, y'know?

Colossus: Her trouble, Wolverine, is that, unlike you, she speaks English.

Nightcrawler: What a cut! Score one for the big guy!

Storm: Madness, utter madness. It's wonderful.

Kitty Pryde [thinking]: Peter's wonderful.

See? fucking nonsense. Colossus is supposedly making a joke (or a 'cut' apparently). Storm is revealing in the allegedly witty banter and Kitty has a raging female boner for Colossus.

I think. Anyway, its over and I've spent way to long on it all ready.

You should have fuckin stayed in hell, Nightcrawler, you asshole!