X-Men 145: Dorknapped!

WHAT WE LEARNED THIS ISSUE:

DOCTOR DOOM HAS A TASTE FOR BROWN SUGAR

ARCADE STILL LOOKS LIKE A FUCKING DOUCHE BAG

KITTY PRYDE'S NEW CODENAME IS ANNOUNCED AS SPRITE. WOLVERINE THEN CHANGES HIS CODENAME TO DIET VANILLA CHERRY DR PEPPER.

BOBBY DRAKE THE ICEMAN LIKES TO CHILL IN COLLEGE AND CRACK A FEW COLD BEVOS AFTER WRITING A TERM PAPER BECAUSE WHY NOT ICEMAN CAN RELAX AND HAVE A FUCKIN BREWSKI ITS NO BIG DEAL MAYBE ICEMAN'LL EVEN HAVE A FEW MORE BEERS AND OH LOOK SOME TEQUILA SHOTS ICEMAN CAN HAVE AS MUCH AS ICEMAN WANTS AND ANOTHER THING BAAARRRRRRRFFFFFFFFF!!!!!!!

DOOM FUCKS STORM UP BAD AND DATE RAPE IS NOT OUT OFF THE QUESTION

That's my rendition of the cover. I think it's funnier because it implies Doom is a sexual assailant.

This issue is mostly setting up the next two, where the X-Mange do battle with Dr Doom AND that jagov Arcade. Arcade is a cool idea, an unhinged spoiled playboy mass murderer, but you can't take him seriously because he LITERALLY dresses like a clown. Plus he never actually succeeds in killing anyone. It's kind of hard to take his Muderworld's theme "NO ONE GETS OUT ALIVE" seriously when literally EVERYONE GETS OUT ALIVE. Every fucking time. No X-Man has ever been murdered in fucking Murderworld.

Anyhow, old school X-Lads Iceman, Havok and Polaris are recruiting from doing whatever the fuck they were doing to rejoin the X-Men to help rescue Storm and all the token damsels in distress female background characters from Arcade and Dr Doom, or have teamed up to fuck over the X-Mens. Although there may be some tension between Doom and Arcade and I'm not totally sure what their reasons for teaming up are because who cares?

And once again, Arcade's sexy minion, Miss Locke, proves she can sneak up on an X-Men, in this case Storm, and drug with a poison dart, but WHY DONT YOU JUST BLOW HER FUCKIN BRAINS OUT RIGHT THEN IF YOU CAN DO THAT YOU ASSHOLE? The excuse is always something lame like, Arcade doesn't find that sporting, or some shit, but for chrissakes, you want these fucker dead or not?

So half the X-men go after doom and half the X-Men go after Arcade and Wolverine says they should TRASH HER, PERMANENTLY! and Cyclops' solo adventures with sexy boat captain Lee Forrester take a wrong term when their ship gets wrecked and they end up on a deserted island. I guess Lee's whole crew is fucking dead, too, but they never really explain it.

Anyway, in like the last 2 panels Doom takes out the X-Men attacking him, and proves he is one bad ass muthafucka and Storm, Colossus, Wolverine, Angel and Nightcrawler are no match for the bloody iron fisted ruler of Latveria. Bitches.

The other X-Mins, Iceman, Havok, Polaris and powerless Banshee, who at least as the common sense to carry some weapons around with him, unlike idiot Angel, take on Murderworld next issue.

Can the X-Men prevail, or can nothing stop Dr Doom's ass killing butt rapes? THE ANSWER IS PREVAIL.