X-Men 142: Mind out of Time! ...thats actually all right

WHAT WE LEARNED THIS ISSUE:

CLAREMONT FINALLY CAME UP WITH A TITLE THAT MAKES SENSE AND SOUNDS KIND OF COOL AND ISN'T COMPLETE RETARDED NONSENSE

KITTY PRYDE GETS GAY WITH HERSELF

GOD DAMN THE BLOB IS A FAT FUCK

ITS A HUGE FUCKING DEAL FOR THE PHOENIX TO REARRANGE THE MOLECULES IN HER CLOTHES TO CHANGE APPEARANCES WITH HER MIND BUT ITS NOT BIG DEAL WHEN MYSTIQUE DOES IT. OR WHEN NIGHTCRAWLER USES HIS FUCKING IMAGE INDUCER. WHAT THE FUCK, MAN?

NUT UP AND KILL SOMEONE, STORM, STOP BEING SUCH A VAG. YOU'RE THE LEADER OF THE GOD DAMN X-MEN ITS TIME TO SUCK IT UP AND MAKE SOME DIFFICULT DECISIONS. CHRIST.

THE IMPENDING EVIL ROBOT APOCALPYSE HAS BEEN AVERTED. OR JUST DELAYED. OR SHUNTED ASIDE TO A NEIGHBORING DIMENSION, WHO FUCKIN KNOWS.

recap: Guess we learned a lot in this issue. Hmm... Anyway, this classic two part X-Men tale wraps up and it's pretty bad ass, if you couldn't tell from my pants creaming recap of last issue.

The action is great, with two big fights going on simultaneously. The X-Mans of the present fighting the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants (still an awful fucking name, also because the leader is Mystique, a god damned woman), and the future X-Mans fighting the Sentinels, the giant evil purple robots who have totally fucked everything up.

What's great is there's really no point for the us to follow the future X-Mans sub plot. In fact, there's no reason, plot-wise, for the future X-Mens to even be fighting the Sentinels. They repeatedly state that their only hope is for Kitty Pryde to go back in time and stop the Brotherhood from assassinating Senator Kelly. The hopeless assault on main Sentinel HQ is really only good for showing us what it would be like if the Sentinels finally won and got to kill a bunch of X-Males.

And it is AWESOME!

Wolverine gets all the flesh blasted off him as he screams YERRRRGH! Yeah, no healing factor to save you when you're nothing but a pile of metal bones. Then Storm takes a javelin right through the guts. Ha ha! That's one dead X-Man, baby!

And we never find out (at least in this issue) what happens to the remaining X-Mens, not even Kitty, who presumably go back to to the future (says, thats got a nice ring to it), after preventing the assassination in the present.

Its actually kind of interesting (to us nerds) the words Claremont chooses when Kitty succeeds in stopping the evil mutant precog, Destiny, from shooting Sen. Kelly with a crossbow (wait, crossbow? Who the fuck brings a crossbow to an assassination?) First, Claremont says Kitty's 'spirit' or whatever, kisses herself, making her a total dyke, and then "lets the winds of eternity sweep her home."

Wait, if future Kitty is going "home", does that mean she failed? Shouldn't she have totally negated the future she came from and just evaporated? If she did succeed, and goes home to evil robot apocalypse anyway, what was the point? Just to do some alternate reality a solid and then go back to your shitty, miserable evil robot apocalyptic existence?

It's not explained, of course, but then neither is the fact that Mystique looks like Nightcrawler, knows his name and adoptive mother, but yet has never met him before (obviously implying that she is his biological mother). But then again its a comic book so who gives a shit. I never picked up on either of those things when i first read this issue in a trade paperback as a 10 year old, so it's really not that big of a deal. The fact that the future in question includes a kid that Jean Grey and Cyclops never had means its just an alternate reality anyway, so yes, Kitty goes back to her fucked up shitty life in the future and thats that.

Oh, and here's something that always pissed me off, even though I've written enough about this ssue enough and really want to stop but won't so fuck it. Anywho, the Blob's big fucking asset is he so fucking fat that nothing can really hurt him, or move him. So big deal, walk around the tubby bitch, whats the problem? Even if he's really strong and his punches really hurt, how fast can this lard ass be? Just don't get near him and your fine. But of course, every time he battles the X-Men, he gets attacked, which laughs off, unscathed. Then they try and move him, which of course, they fail at, and then finally they figure out a way to defeat him (like leaving a trail of pies off the side of a cliff). This issue, though, Claremont decides to be clever and have Colossus and Wolverine figure out that yes, the Blob himself can not be moved, but the ground underneath him is fair game. So far so good. I like that idea. Otherwise the Blob would never be able to get on a train and travel anywhere by any means other than walking. But instead of actually moving the ground underneath the Blob, Colossus used a bent over Wolverine as the fulcrum and a steel girder as a lever to send the Blob flying. BUT THAT'S NOT USING THE GROUND, THAT JUST MOVING THE BLOB WITH A STEEL GIRDER. If the Blob was standing on a car, or something, and then moved THAT with the wacky lever they concocted, then we're still golden. BUT NOT BY USING THE GIRDER TO MOVE THE BLOB DIRECTLY. THATS FUCKING CHEATING GOD DAMN IT.

So I hope I've successfully convinced everyone of my complete and utter faggotness by my argument about a comic books character's super powers and now if you don't mind I have some pokemon cards to alphabetize.