X-Men 183: He'll never make her cry or fake an orgasm

What we learn this issue besides that Colossus knows how to keep the ladies creamin like Willie Beamon.

OOH, A LOT OF SHIT HAPPENS; LETS TRY TO DO THIS MAD BRIEFLY YO:

COLOSSUS DUMPS KITTY - SUCKS TO BE YOU, PRYDE

KITTY CRIES TO HER FRIEND ILLYANA, WHO'S ALL LIKE, YEAH, REMINDS ME OF THE TIME I GOT IMPRISONED IN HELL AND RAPED FOR 7 YEARS. BITCH.

ROGUE IS ALL PISSED SHES TOTALLY BONKERS AND NEARLY KILLS HERSELF IN THE DANGER ROOM AND DOESN'T EVEN GIVE A FUCK IF STORM WANTS TO HELP.

WOLVERINE TELLS COLOSSUS ITS TIME TO GO DRINK BEERS AND DOESN'T EVEN RECALL GIVING HIM A GOD DAMN CHOICE. WOLVERINE OWNS. NIGHTCRAWLER TAGS ALONG AND SMELLS OF FART.

STORM COMFORTS KITTY. KITTY SEZ SHE HATES COLOSSUS, AND LOVES HIM. WELL WHICH IS IT, BITCH?

MYSTIQUE IS INFILTRATING THE FUGGIN YOO ESS GUBMINT! THAT FUGGIN CRAFTY CUNNY! START BEING MORE SUSPICIOUS VALERIE FUGGIN COOPER!!!

AT THE BAR, WOLVERINE GIVES COLOSSUS A VICIOUS ADMONISHMENT.

THEN FUCKIN COLOSSUS SPILLS A FUCKIN BEER ON FUCKIN CAIN THE FUCKIN JUGGER-FUCKIN-NAUT FUCKIN MARKO. FUCK! WHAT THE DICK IS THAT FUCKER DOING THE FUCK HERE?

THEY FIGHT. JUGGSIE HITS COLOSSUCK WITH THE BAR. THE WHOLE FUCKING BAR! THEN HE DUMPS THE BUILDING ON HIM. THE WHOLE FUCKING BUILDING! JESUS CHRIST, IT WAS JUST A BEER, MOTHERFUCKER, SMOKE A FUCKIN PEACE PIPE WHY DONT YOU.

WOLVEROONIE TELLS COLONOSUSS ONCE AGAIN THAT HE'S A STRAIGHT UP FUCKIN BITCH. THEN WALKS AWAY LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN GIVE A MOTHERFUCK. CAUSE HE DON'T. BITCH.

AND THAT'S IT - OH WAIT, WHAT'S THIS? ANOTHER VILLAIN ON THE FINAL PAGE SHOWN SUCKING THE LIFE OUT OF SOME DUDE? SOME INNOCENT SCHLUB WHO WAS JUST TRYING TO BURY HIS DICK IN SOME COOZE HE PICKED UP AT THE BAR AND DIDN'T REALIZE THAT THIS PARTICULAR COOZE WAS A 2000 YEAR OLD SOUL DRAINING SUPER VILLAIN SUCCUBUS NAMED SELENE? WELL, THAT'S WHY IT'S CALLED 'WEARING PROTECTION' BRO. ENJOY VD/DEATH.

PALS AT THE BAR:

Phew, I'm exhausted. Also, drawing word bubbles for three people in one panel is hard! Much respect Tom Orzechowski.

Another solid issue of with the right mix of melodrama and cartoon violence. So you see why Claremontel is often called the Godfather of post-modern Sci-Fi by no one except me and really it just shows how much of an influence his X-Men were on dudes like Joss Whedon? Well now you do, so believe it baby.

The break up scene the issue opens with really is handled well, especially by Romita Jr, who even though I like to dump on does a great job with the shifting perspectives and wide shots and facial expressions and dare I say this fucking guy is growing on me?

I'll still just say it's all on the inker, Dan the Man Green, but whatever, the art here is nice.

It's pretty absurd that Juggernaut just happens to go to the same bar as Wolverine, Colossus and Nightcrawler. Even more ridiculous is the fight starts by accident, not because either Peter or Marko recognize each other. But a fight to break the tension was necessary for the story so no big whoop.

The fact that two monstrous, invulnerable, tank-like dudes just blowing off steam at a bar wrecks an entire building and nearly kills dozens of building did strike me as a little bit fucked up, though. It's stuff like that that makes the premise of Garth Ennis' The Boys totally plausible. People say Ennis is created that book because he hates super heroes, but I think it's more that he LOVES super heroes and has read a shit ton of super hero books, it's just that if he were to try and sit down and write a super hero book of his own, which he is basically doing with the Boys, all he would think about is stuff like this. How a bunch of fuckers are just recklessly endangering, and probably murdering, a whole bunch of people just because they can and who gives a fuck. Well, read that series if you want to know more, but also just know this one other thing: THE BOYS IS FUCKING AWESOME.

And next issue this new bitch Selene starts a ruckus and more of the political horsepucky that's been stewing in the pot for a while finally starts really hitting the fan. YEAH A GREAT FUCKING TIME WE'RE HAVING ISN'T IT.

X-Men 182: Madness, space madness

What we learned this issue besides that Rogue is fucking mental.

HOLY SHIT, ROGUE IS FUCKING NUTS.

SHE IS THE ONLY X-LADYBOY FEATURED THIS WHOLE ISSUE AND SHE SPENDS THE WHOLE THING BABBLING TO HERSELF LIKE A WEIRDO OR LITERALLY FLIPPING BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES LIKE A GOD DAMN CRAZY PERSON.

THERE IS ALSO A BUNCH OF CRAZY SPY ESPIONAGE INTRIGUE LIKE ON THOSE SHOWS, ALIAS, OR UM, 24? OR... I DUNNO I DON'T WATCH ANY OF THOSE WACK ASS BULLSHIT SHOWS. WHAT DO I LOOK LIKE, SOME FUCKIN BORING SHOW WATCHING MOTHERFUCKER?

SPEAKING OF WACK BULLSHIT, SEBASTIAN SHAW, THE BLACK KING (CODENAME ROYAL MIDNIGHT) HAS A MOLE WHO INFILTRATED THE S.H.E.I.L.D. HELICARRIER.

WHAT THE FUCK IS A S.H.E.I.L.D. HELLICARRIER, YOU ASK? TRY GOOGLE YOU LAZY SHIT.

ALSO, A ROYAL MIDNIGHT IS WHEN YOU PEE INTO A GIRL'S BUTT AT THE STROKE OF MIDNIGHT. HAHA NOT REALLY, BUT IT SOUNDS LIKE ONE OF THOSE FUCKING URBAN DICTIONARY THINGS, DOESN'T IT?

ANYWAY, SO THIS COLONEL ROSSI GUY IS GETTING FUCKED UP BY SHAW'S FLUNKIES WHEN ROGUE ENDS UP RESCUING HIM, BECAUSE CAROL DANVERS USED TO DATE FUCKIN ROSSI AND ROGUE PERMANENTLY ABSORBED CAROL DANVERS POWERS AND PERSONALITY BACK IN HER SUPER VILLAIN DAYS AND, WAIT, WHAT THE FUCK? COMICS ARE FUCKING RIDICULOUS.

AND AS YOU MIGHT GUESS, COLONEL MICHAEL ROSSI IS A LITTLE CONFLICTED ABOUT THE WHOLE SITUATION:

ALSO DON'T FORGET MR ROSSI-THE-WOPPY THAT ROGUE STILL SAVED YOUR BACON FROM THE EVIL S.H.I.E.L.D TRAITORS WHO WERE ABOUT TO CAP YOUR SORRY ASS BEFORE SCHIZO-ROGUE SHOWED UP. SO HOW BOUT SHOWING A LITTLE GRATITUDE YOU FUCKIN BITCH ASS AIR FORCE PILOTING BITCH.

I do have to admire Clare-mare's ambition with this issue. To totally ditch the rest of the team and focus on one of the newer characters and her split personality taken from a whole different comic book you used to write but most X-Men fans probably didn't read (like me) is a bold move. An even bolder move? Jax making out with his half sister, Trinity, in Sons of Anarchy. Wow! Is there any taboo that show won't cover? Actually this season hasn't been that great, so - BACK TO THE X-DONGS.

Or singular X-Dong as it were, who is Rogue, who does a few totally goofy things like rests on a cloud (impossible, clouds look like fog up close, not big puffy marshmallows) and throws a silver dollar (a Susan B. Anthony dollar to be exact. Subtle feminism, much?) that ricochets off a bunch of machines, destroying them all, which is also dumb because if she threw it with enough force to do damage it wouldn't bounce off shit it was just stay embedded or go right through.

THIS IS BASIC SCIENCE COMMON SENSE, DAMN IT.

Anyhow, the setting up of Shaw as a villain again is nice and adding S.H.I.E.L.D. into the mix is also welcome. The ending is a little weird, with Rossi saying he wants to fucking kill Rogue (who's invulnerable, so tough cookies, pal) and a sobbing Rogue/Carol Danvers saying she does to. Oh quit yer bitchin and suck it up. You have super powers. You can fly. Life's not all bad.

And then it ends with some foreshadowing of Colonel Nick fuckin Fury, the Chuck Norris but way cooler of Marvel Comics, swearing vengeance on Rogue (who he blames for one of his agent's, a traitorous agent I might add, death) and authorizing all of S.H.I.E.L.D. to take her down with DEADLY FORCE.

UH OH, YOU'VE STIRRED UP A HORNET'S NEXT NOW, SUGAH.

Also I like the old Nick Fury here, when he looked like Don Johnson, instead of Samuel Jackson. Does that make me a racist? YEP PROBABLY.

X-Men 181: Tokyo Glory Hole

What we learned this issue other than that Gojira, Space Cruiser Yamato, Astro Boy, Red Ronin and the Hulk are nothin but dirty bitches.

THE X-DONGS ARE BACK FROM THE SECRET WHORES (WARS) AND THEY HAVE A GREAT BIG FUCKING DRAGON WITH THEM.

THAT DRAGON FUCKS TOKYO RIGHT THE FUCK UP. AND IT WANTS KITTY'S PET MALE DRAGON TO STUFF HIS GENITALS INTO HER LADY DRAGON PARTS.

I THOUGH GENITALS WAS SPELLED WITH AN E. OH WELL, LIVE AND LEARN.

JAPAN TRIES TO SEND THEIR ARMY TO STOP THIS GIANT HORNY DRAGON. OH WAIT, YOU DON'T HAVE A FUCKIN ARMY, JAPAN. YOU LOST THAT PRIVILEGE, DIDN'T YOU? BUT AT LEAST YOU HAVE CARS WITH SHITTY BREAKS AND TENTACLE PORN STILL GOING FOR YOU.

THAT ASSHOLE SUNFIRE SHOWS UP.

SUNFIRE TRULY IS A BUTTFUCKING SONOVABITCH.

THE DRAGON FUCKS OFF AND "CASUALTIES AND LOSS OF LIFE WERE KEPT TO A MINIMUM." WELL FUCKING GREAT. NO THANKS TO YOU, LOCKHEED, YOU FUCKING BITCH ASS DRAGON FUCK.

There is a brief, Cyclops and Madelyne Pryor interlude, in which Claremont shows off his bizarre sense of pillow talk.

Maddy: I guess this is what they meant by "for better, for worse."

Cyclops: Could be. I love you, Red.

Maddy: Likewise, Hotshot. 'Til death do us part.

It would've been funnier if Madelyne said, 'til death do us fart! And then cut loose are great flappy baritone blast from her anal sphincter. I mean I would have thought so, anyway.

This issue is a nice mix of silly, Tokyo monster fight + soap opera drama. I give two plumped melons up.

And then at the very end, that dickhead to end all dickheads and also the tip to a previously never ending parade of dicks, Senator Robert Kelly tells some other old white dude in Washington, DC (hey, I fuckin live there), that he's going to introduce some legislation to defend our nation from mutants. Actually it all sounds pretty reasonable. I don't see what the big fuckin deal is.

X-Men 180: Whose double headed fake dongus is it, anyway?

What we learned this issue besides that I get unreasonably annoyed when people use the word masturbate incorrectly. One person can not masturbate another. You can jerk someone else off (or jag them off, all the same to me) but masturbation is strictly a solo enterprise, hot damn it. You also can't manually masturbate farm animals for artificial insemination, Kevin Smith.

XAVIER HAS FIGURED OUT HOW TO USE HIS LEGS AGAIN, AND THEN USES THEM TO PLAY BASKETBALL LIKE A TOTAL PUSSY INSTEAD OF COMPETING IN THE ANCIENT SPORT OF WRESTLING LIKE A REAL MAN WOULD.

HE'S ALSO GETTING TERRIBLE HEADACHES. PROBABLY JUST THAT TIME OF THE MONTH AGAIN, CHARLIE.

KITTY PRYDE FINALLY HAS A LOVE INTEREST HER AGE, IN DOUG RAMSEY, A WORTHLESS AND LAME NEW MUTANT WHO POWER IS THE ABILITY TO TRANSLATE THINGS. WHAT A LOSER. AND WE HAVE TO WAIT LIKE 60 ISSUES BEFORE HE'S KILLED FOR BEING A TOTAL BUTT WIPE WITH A CHODE POWER (PS ALSO A SPOILER ALERT)

KITTY AND DOUG GO TO AN ARCADE AND THEN GET A BURGER. A RECEIPE FOR A SMOOTH SMOOTH HJ IN THE NEAR FUTURE NO DOUBT.

COLOSSUS HAS A HEART TO HEART WITH WOLVERINE ABOUT NO LONGER WANTING TO BONE KITTY. SHUT UP, PUSSIES.

KITTY AND STORM FINALLY WRING OUT THEIR HORMONES AND TALK ABOUT KITTY'S BULLSHIT "PROBLEM" WITH STORM NEW ATTITUDE, CLOTHES AND MOHAWK, EVEN THOUGH HER ATTITUDE IS STILL PRETTY MUCH THE SAME: MEGA BITCH.

GOD THERE SO MUCH FUCKING TALKING IN THIS ISSUE, WHY WON'T IT FUCKING END. OK LOOK, HERE IS XAVIER PLAYING BASKETBALL.

LIKE A FAGGOT.

Welcome to lametown, population, this fucking issue (and that joke). The only action is Storm fighting some dumb stereotypical street punks. Theyre the type of typical generic (and probably racist) depictions of thugs found in comics. Theyre supposed to be in some sort of mixed race gang that just go around, confidently boasting of hurting innocent people for money and or fun. And then Storm beats them up.

And then She and Kitty menstruate all over each other.

And the X-Men get sucked into some warp and deposited onto the "Battleworld" used for the Marvel Universe crossover limited series Secret Wars, which was also dumb as hell. And I think Ed in Cheif Jim Shooter made Claremont end the Colossus/Kitty underage smoochfest, but I don't know for sure, what do I look like, his fucking biographer?

And then next issue they're all back from the Secret Wars (even though it'll be another 11 months before that limited series ends - guess none of the X-Pals die during it, huh? FYI SPOILED ALERT THAT WAS NOT EVEN MY FAULT) and more adventures, hopefully more interesting than this one, will take place.

LETS STEP UP THE GAME, CLAREMONT, SHALL WE?

X-Men Annual 6: PUD FEUD

What we learned in this 100th fuggin Balzac's Ballsack post. Shit.

THE X-DONGS FIGHT DRACULA AGAIN AND DRACULA IS A TOTAL DICK.

ALSO FIGHTING DRACULA: A YOUNG, ATTRACTIVE, BLONDE GIRL WHO COMES FROM AN ANCIENT LINEAGE OF VAMPIRE FIGHTERS. YES, JOSS WHEDON IS A BLATANT THIEVING HACK AS WELL.

KITTY IS PMS'ING ALL OVER THE PLACE BECAUSE HER PARENTS GOT A DIVORCE. HEY, BIG DEAL BITCH, NOW YOU CAN GET THEM TO COMPETE FOR YOUR AFFECTION AND EMOTIONALLY EXTORT FREE MONEY AND SHIT FROM THEM. QUIT YER PISSIN AND MOANIN ALREADY.

AND THEN THE X-FONDLERS GET CAUGHT BETWEEN THE AGE OLD FEUD OF DRACULA VS THE VAN HELSINGS VS DRACULA'S WHORE DAUGHTER LILITH VS THE SHAFT OF A LONG LEAN PUD VS THE HAIRY NUT BAG UNDERNEATH THAT PUD THATS LOADED WITH WHITE HOT PUD JUICE VS OK THAT'S E-FUGGIN-NUFF.

THEN THE FEMALE VAN HELSING AND FUTURE BUFFY PROTOTYPE DIES AND SO DOES DRACULA... OR DOES HE? AND THE X-PUDS ARE ALL FINE AT THE END EVEN THOUGH A BUNCH OF THEM GOT THEIR BLOOD SUCKED SLASH STRAIGHT UP POSSESSED BY FUCKIN VAMPIRES.

OH HEY LOOK ITS THAT DINGUS WRINKLE DRACULA NOW:

This was a pretty cool annual but only event of lasting importance was Rachel Van Helsing's death, and that was only a big deal if you follow the Dracula comics from the 70's (I don't), though I hear they were a pretty big deal at the time. It's 1982 now, though, and Dracula is old fuckin news. It's all capes and tights in the Marvel Universe now, so a major Dracula supporting character earns life's great reward rather ignominiously.

For the rest of the X-Men, it's a one and done annual with the only impact to continuity being the divorce of Kitty Pryde's parents. But who gives a shit about that little brat's parents? Not this guy.

The art's handled pretty righteously by Bill Seinkiewicz and Bob Wiacek and I totally had to look up the spelling of their names, though I don't know why I bothered.

And now I'm going to go watch that blowhard James Cameron's masterpiece, True Lies, on TBS, even though that movie is all dumb. Like I give a bull crap.

Next issue, back to the regular issues, damn it!

X-Men 179: What Crappened to Shitty?

What we learned this issue besides what the bitch happened to motherfucking Kitty god damn Pryde:

WELL SHE'S NOT DEAD, WOLVERINE'S MAGIC MUTANT NOSE SNIFFED OUT THAT CLEVER MORLOCK RUSE.

BUT SHE IS TOTALLY DRUGGED UP AND ABOUT TO MARRY A DISGUSTING WRETCH OF A MUTANT NAMED CALIBAN (BECAUSE CLAREMONTLEBAN'S SHAGSBEARD BONER KNOWS NO EARTHLY LIMITS).

AND COLOSSUS IS STILL FROZEN IN CARBONITE, OR WHATEVER THE HELL HAPPENS TO ORGANIC STEEL WHEN IT'S SUPER HEATED THEN SPRAYED WITH LIQUID NITROGEN.

EVEN AFTER KITTY TRIES TO STOP HIM WHILE IN THE MIDST OF A MORLOCK INDUCED HOMICIDAL RAGE, WOLVERINE HAS TIME FOR TERMS OF ENDEARMENT: "WHY'RE YOU GIVIN' ME GRIEF PUN'KIN?" HE FUCKING SAYS.

EVERYBODY IS FINE AT THE END. EVEN THOUGH THE MORLOCKS ARE TOTAL DICKS, THE ALSO HAVE A DEUS EX MACHINA HEALER WHO SAVES COLOSSUS AND THEN THAT CREEPYFACED DUDE CALIBAN RELEASES KITTY FROM HER OBLIGATION TO MARRY HIM (I FORGET WHY, SOMETHING ABOUT HIM HELPING STOP ANGEL FROM GETTING KILLED OR SOME BULLSHIT) AND EVERYBODY GOES HOME.

A COUPLE THINGS ABOUT THAT: 1) SLAVERY IS ILLEGAL IN THIS COUNTRY, MISTER, ESPECIALLY THE KIND INVOLVING WHITE WOMEN 2) WASN'T KITTY'S FIRE BREATHING PET FUCKIN DRAGON SPECIFICALLY CREATED TO HELP OUT IN SITUATIONS LIKE THIS? 3) LISTEN TO HOW LAME CALIBAN SOUNDS WHEN HE TELLS KITTY SHE CAN GO "REMEMBER HIM KINDLY - NOT AS THE MORLOCK MONSTER - BUT AS THE PRINCE." OK PUSSY, WILL DO.

ANYWAY, HERE ARE THOSE TWO BOZOS ABOUT TO GET MARRIED:

This issue also starts out with some more preposterous Morlock tunnel nonsense. Says the narrator: "There is a city beneath the city - a labyrinthine network of tunnels and passages that reach as deep... as Manhattan's fabled skyscapers do high." Um, no there isn't, dude. Not even close. Also, why are Manhattan's skyscaper's fabled? They're totally fuckin real. I've been in a few of them. Nothing fabley about it.

It is kind of cool to see what a collection of grody lookin bums the Morlock's are, and Romita Jr's art is, dare say, pretty all right. Of course it's helped by Dan The Man Green on inks, so credit where credit is due.

Not much else happens besides Kitty no longer being obligated to marry Caliban and Colossus being magically healed. The fabled (see how I use it hear?) Claremontian subplots are mostly sidelined, except for Kitty still having a big fucking hang up over Storm lezzing it out. Look, it's 1982, Kitty, lighten the fuck up.

It may also be the first time we see Leach, the ugly green alien looking looking Morlock kid who neutralizes Mutant powers. But I'm not sure, though, because I don't give a fucking shit. Oh and Xavier gets randomly attacked by some crazy psychic mind bolts or whatever and it's not explained. It all ties into the Secret Wars Marvel Universe mega cross over that I'm not even going to talk about because the X-Men barely factor into it and go read a blog about the faggot Beyonder if you want to know what its all about, because this here blog is ALL X-TARDS ALL THE TIME.

No jerry curled omnipotent beings allowed. Not even one, despite the fact that I said beingS. This is not the No Homers Club, wise ass.

Anyhowzer, next issue is another annual, seems like a while since we last did one. And it stars Dracula! Back in the good old days when vampires were men and frankensteins were just dudes who created monsters, not the actually monsters themselves, though I still prefer to call the monster Frankenstein, because who cares, dorkface? Mary Shelly can rise from the god damn grave to correct me if she fuckin wants, otherwise shut the fuck up, I don't care.

Then we start a whole new X-Men Essential collection, number 5! Wow we are all such losers, aren't we!?!

X-Men 178: TACO BELL HATH NO MCFLURRIES

What we learn this issue besides that there is no fury in hell:

MAN COLOSSUS IS REALLY FUCKED NOW.

WOLVERINE AND STORM ARE PRACTICING IN THE DANGER ROOM. AND WITH PRESSURE MOUNTING, THE SEXUAL TENSION IS PALPABLE! CHECK IT OUT!

KITTY HAS RUNNED THE FUCK OFF TO THE BAXTER BUILDING TO ENLIST THE HELP OF GENIUS REED RICHARDS OF THE FANTASTIC FOURSKIN, BUT THOSE BITCHES AREN'T HOME.

MEANWHILE, NIGHTCRAWLER AND HIS BLONDE GYPSY HALF SISTER GIRLFRIEND FEND OFF THE BROTHERHOOD OF EVIL MUTANTS UNTIL THE REST OFF THE X-MEN SHOW UP. REALLY? BROTHERHOOD OF EVIL MUTANTS? THEY'RE STILL CALLING THEMSELVES THAT?

THE BLOB IS A FAT FUCK.

DESTINY'S POWERS WORK FOR SHIT.

THE X-MEN WIN BUT THE FIGHT DOESN'T MATTER BECAUSE AS THE FAT FUCKING BLOB SAYS: "AIN'T YOU CLOWNS TWIGGED YET?! WE WERE NEVER AFTER YOUR HIDES. THIS WAS A DIVERSION!" YES DUM DUMS, DIDN'T YOU REALIZE THIS WAS A RUSE, A CUNNING ATTEMPT TO DISTRACT THE X-CHODES SO MYSTIQUE COULD MURDER THE PROFESSOR!?

THE BLOB ALSO CALLS COLOSSUS "KITTY'S RUSSKIE SMOOCH." HAR!

BEFORE THE ASSASSINATION ATTEMPT, XAVIER WAS STRAIGHT LUXURIATING IN HIS MANSION BY THE FIRE, GOING OVER SOME PAPERS. JUST, Y'KNOW, BUSINESS PAPERS.

Wow, two whole cartoons, I'm really giving it my A game tonight!

Actually I'm going to lazily wrap this shit up because I'm fucking hungry and I want to watch TV. The taxing life of a grad student, yessir.

Overall a good action issue and because everyone is so curious, one of the first comics I ever bought as a back issue when I was very young man. Thats nostalgia, muthafuckas!

So the fight ends with Xavier shot up but not dead and Kitty Pryde presumed dead because she fell while leaving the Baxter building after she stole Peen Richards' "high intensity heat source he designed to thaw organic matter without causing any harm." Oh wow, Richards just happened to invent that, did he? Well, lucky day for Kitty Pryde, isnt it?

So yeah I skipped some stuff and Rogue and Mystique have a real mother-foster daughter falling out. And next issue we find out if Kitty and/or Colossus and/or Xavier die (hey, can't Destiny, the woman with precognitive powers, just tell the X-Schlongs if they die? Oh that's right, whenever it would give too much off the plot away, Destiny's future sight just happens to get cloudy. How convenient for you, CLAREMONT!) But anyway, no, none of those people die, ya ding dong.

X-Men 177: Sanitary Napkin

What we learned this issue besides that when stumped for a title, Claremont just says 'fuck it, we'll call it Sanction', even though absolutely no sanctioning takes place:

CLAREMONT USES MYSTIQUE'S VISIT TO A CIRCUS (A DEADLY CIRCUS, NATCH) AS A PROXY TO RAP WISTFUL ABOUT THE GOOD OLD DAYS OF COMIC BOOKS: "IT WAS A MAGIC PLACE, WHOSE INHABITANTS WERE STORYBOOK CHARACTERS COME TO LIFE, MORE BEAUTIFUL AND EXCITING THAN I COULD EVER HOPE TO BE."

GAY

MYSTIQUE THEN TOTALLY MURDERS ALL THE X-MEN, EXCEPT THEY ARE NOT X-MENS, THEY ARE ARCADES ROWBIT X-MEN

GAY ROWBITS

KITTY PRYDE IS STILL FREAKED OUT BY THE NEW LEATHER LEZBO STORM. RELAX KITTY, IT'S JUST A PHASE. SHE'LL GROW OUT OF IT, YOU SILLY GOOSE.

KITTY AND PETER GO ON A DATE TO THE NEW YORK MET BUT THEN TRAGEDY STRIKES IN THE FORM OF A SUPER VILLAIN ATTACK. TOTAL CALL BACK TO X-MEN 99 WITH JEAN AND SCOTT'S FUCKING DATE, YO. AT LEAST I THINK IT'S ISSUE 99, WHAT DO I LOOK LIKE, THE FUCKING ASSISTANT TO THE EDITOR?

XAVIER, HAVOK AND CYCLOPS BEAM BACK TO EARTH AS XAVIER'S ALIEN BIRD QUEEN LOVER, LILANDRA, AND SCOTT'S HOMOSEXUAL SPACE PIRATE FATHER,COSAIR, FUCK OFF TOGETHER OUT INTO THE COSMOS. SO LONG ASSHOLES.

NIGHTCRAWLER IS SO TOTALLY MYSTIQUE'S KID....

...OR IS HE?!?!?!?!?!

MAN OF LIVING METAL COLOSSUS GETS FUCKED UP WITH SUPER HEATED INFERNO BLASTS IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWED BY A BATH IN LIQUID NITROGEN. HMMM... WHERE HAVE I SEEN THAT BEFORE... I'M LOOKING AT YOU JAMES CAMERON YOU FUCKING HACK.

ALSO A TOTAL RUHTARD? ARCADE. A TUMBLING DICKWEED, HE IS. SO CHECK IT OUT, I MAILED IN THE CARTOON.

Why is Arcade's god damn head so much bigger than Miss Locke's? The world may never know.

The first half of this issue is Mystique "training" at Arcade's carnival of death, or whatever, with his rowbit X-Dong dobbledongangers, so she can get good practice and do it thing for real later. I like the premise but Mystique relies on a lot of cheap moves, like shooting a gun into a giant gas tanker and blowing robot Storm to bits. That's just lazy C-Mont. Oh wait, nerd alert, Mystique doesn't shoot a gun, she wears a "special suit" that captures Storm's lighting and allows her to shoot it back, which blows up the tanker that incinerates rowbit Storm. EVEN FUCKING LAZIER.

And of course, Arcade is a great big cock cheese so it sucks that he is around. And how did he create a robot to teleport like Nightcrawler? He can just do that? Fuck that.

Also, echoing the fateful night the sentinels came and snatched Jean Grey up into space, Colossus and Kitty Pryde are attacked by super villains during their otherwise peaceful and sexy night out on the town. Mad cockblockin, son.

One of the new villains (is he new? I don't feel like checking to make sure) is some limey butt sniffer named Pyro, who can control flames. That's fine, but when he uses a giant ball of fire to pick Colossus up? Well that just fucking dumb. Fire has no mass, it's the fucking byproduct of a chemical reaction, it can't pick anything up, damn it. C'mon, don't bullshit me here.

What is awesome though is the idea of superheating Colossus with flame (C-Mizzy rhetorically asks if Colossus can get so hot that he melts. Well I don't know about Colossus' organic steel skin but the googles says stainless steal melts at around 2500 degrees Fahrenheit, so there you go Mr. Wizard) and then superfreezing him with liquid nitrogen (here Claremont consulted an encyclopedia and tells us that shit is minus 346F). This comic came out in 1984. Seven years later, that no talent assclown James Cameron will totally rip this idea off to kill the liquid metal T-1000 model killer rowbit.

I know Cameron makes some awesome flicks (ALIENS will never stop being all kinds of awesome), and no one has better special effects, but lets face it, the guy is a retard. I mean have you actually seen Titanic? And not just the part with Kate Winslet's naked ta-tas. Its fucking dumb as hell. James Cameron: idiot.

Anyhow, the cliffhanger here is if Colossus will now die from such punishment. Um, I'm going to guess fuckin no, but I'll sure as fuck tune in next time to find the fuck out!

X-Men 176: Attack of the Cocktopuss!

What we learned this issue besides what you get when you cross a rooster with an octopus:

NEWLYWEDS CYCLOPS AND MADELYNE NEVER STOP BONING. "WHEN DO WE LAND THIS PLANE SO WE CAN BONE MORE?" ASKS SCOTT SUMMERS. "HOTSHOT AT THIS RATE MY UTERUS IS GOING TO FALL OUT," REPLIED MADELYNE PYROR/OLD MOTHER HUBBARD.

A STORM FUCKS ALL THEIR SHIT UP (NOT THE STORM, JUST A STORM).

WOLVERINE GOES TO MARIKO AND IS ALL, "YO, THAT WAS JUST MASTERMIND BEFORE, BEING A DICK. WE CAN GO BACK TO BONING AGAIN." AND MARIKO IS ALL, "ME NO THINK SO, THAT STILL HAPPEN STUPID AMERICAN. YOU SEEN THIS TUNA ROLL FOR LAST TIME."

SOME POLITICS AND SHIT HAPPEN WITH NON SUPER HERO GOVERNMENT TYPES LIKE VALERIE COOPER AND HENRY GYRICH AND SOME BORING CRAP I'M NOT GOING TO RE-READ.

UM, MORLOCKS ARE FUGALEE SLUTS!

A GIANT OCTOPUS, A FUCKING GIANT OCTOPUS, ATTACKS MADELYNE AND SCOTT BUT THEY SURVIVE AND FLY OFF INTO THE SUNSET FOR A NON STOP SUCK AND FUCKFEST FOR THE END OF TIME!

OH, AND A FUCKING SHARK TRIED TO EAT THEM TOO. A FUCKING SHARK!

This one is all about Scott and Madelyne trying to retire from the super hero life and just hang out together and fuck all the time. Seriously, Claremont makes many many many not so subtle allusions to the fact that these two are bumping uglies every god damn chance they get. Of course as a snot nosed little brat, I picked up on none of this, BUT I'M ON TO YOUR DIRTY TRICKS NOW, CLAREMONT, YOU DEGENERATE SMUT PEDDLER.

Like I said before, you'd think Pyror would wise up and ditch this super hero dude because of all the life threatening crazy ass shit he puts her through, but she's actually super lucky to have Cyclops around this time because 1) he's a dope ass mechanic and pilot and he got the plane running again after it was felled by the lightening storm 2) he fucking zapped a great white shark AND a giant fucking octopus that was trying to kill them and and 3) i've said this many times: CYCLOPS IS THE BEST X-MAN.

Back in Japan, Wolverine goes out begging for some sweet poonany but wisely, Claremont says a married Wolverine is a bozo boring lame Wolverine, and I actually buy the excuse Mariko uses that regardless of mutant mind control, the shit she agreed to happened and she is honor bound to do right by her family and Wolverine is just going to have to go poke some other slit. I've heard some people (yes other nerds on the internet, fine you got me) complain that Claremont's version of Japan is backwards and racists and people dont go around wearing kimonos and swinging samurai swords all the time, and to that I say, listen nerds, 1) Wolverine and Rogue were out earlier in Ginza at a modern bar with normal looking dudes and 2) PEOPLE DONT DRESS IN TIGHTS AND HAVE SUPER POWERS IN AMERICA so who gives a shit, its a comic book.

And finally some people in suits sit around a table in Washington DC (hey I live there!) and talk about what a menace Magneto is (rightly so) and agree to start the ominous sounding but not totally defined PROJECT WIDEAWAKE, a plot device thats actually been teased for a while. Claremont will deal with that and the politics aspect of mutants (and super heroes in general) more later, its just good to know that the stuff we're seeing now got totally ripped off by Byran Singer and his two X-Men movies (as well as Mark Millar's massive MU X-over Civil War) so next time someone says that Singer is a genius who modernized some silly comic book characters and gave them depth and gravitas and whatever, you say: EAT SHIT PAL, THAT WAS ALL THE MAIN MAN HIMSELF, CHRIS CLAREMONT, NOW SIT ON THIS JAGOV. and then you thrust a big spiky metal bat in his face and imply that he shove it up his butt hole.

Right, and there's some crap with the Morlocks, who still live in the giant cavernous tunnels the City of New York decided to build and maintain in their sewer system for no reason, even though everyone knows water and sewer lines are just fucking pipes, and not these elaborate tunnel systems. Anyway, we'll see more of the Morlocks a little later on.

And the art is more of the serviceable but not my favorite stuff from John Romita Jr and the inking is totally inconsistent which leads me to believe that Bob Wiacek didnt do all of it because Bob Wiacek is the man.

Next issue, some REALLY shitty inking and art but a pretty cool story. so suck my dick, i'm a shark!

X-Men 175: Um, this one didn't have a title but it's all about the return of DARK FETUS!

what we learned this time after seriously checking like, 3 times and not finding a fucking title:

THE LAST PAGE IS A SPLASH PAGE WITH THE CREDITS BUT THERE IS NO TITLE ON IT. WHAT THE FUCK, STOP BEING CUTE, CLAREMONT.

WOLVERINE IS A LUMBERJACK AND HE'S OK - HE CUTS DOWN TREES, ON PAGE ONE, FUCKS UP DUDES, JUST FOR FUN.

AND THEN THE DARK FETUS COMES BACK AND EVERYONE FREAKS THE FUCK OUT

OH SHIT, THEY SAID, IT'S THE DARK FUCKING PHOENIX.

SHITBALLS, I'M DEAD, SAID COSAIR. FUCK MY COCK I'VE BEEN BURNED TO DEATH, SAID CAPTAIN AMERICA. YES DARK PHOENIX WAS RAPIN E'ERBODY UP IN HERE.

CYCLOPS EVEN HALLUCINATES DURING NEAR-DEATH AND SEES HIS DEAD MOM. SURE WHATEVER.

BUT ITS NOT FART PHOENIX, IT'S JUST MASTERMIND, BEING A MASSIVE DICKHOLE, LIKE I'VE BEEN SAYING EARLIER. CYCLOPS FIGURES THIS OUT ON HIS OWN, OF COURSE, BECAUSE CYCLOPS IS AWESOME.

MORE EVIDENCE OF CYCLOPS' SUPERIORITY IS HIS TRASHING OF THE REST OF THE X-MANS, WHO HAVE BEEN TRICKED INTO THINKING CYCLOPS IS DARK PHOENIX. BUT YOU CAN'T BEAT CYCLOPS, BECAUSE HE'LL STOMP, A MUDHOLE IN THAT ASS 'CAUSE HE'S STRAIGHT OUT THE SWAMP.

AND THEN THE X-JERKS FINALLY FIND AND BEAT UP MASTERMIND (BUT WOLVERINE ISN'T ALLOWED TO KILL HIM BECAUSE NEW LEATHER LEZZIE STORM IS STILL A BIG PUSSY) AND EVERYBODY IS AOK.

AND THEN, DESPITE BEING PSYCHOLOGICALLY AND PHYSICALLY TORTURED NEARLY TO DEATH BY SOME DUDE WHO IS JEALOUS OF HER BOYFRIEND'S EX, MADELYNE PRYOR THINKS ITS A GOOD IDEA TO MARRY CYCLOPS, WHO SHE ONLY MET LIKE A MONTH AGO. WHAT ARE YOU DOING GIRL? RUN! GET THE FUCK OUT THE X-MANSION AND NEVER RETURN. THE FUCK ARE YOU THINKING!?

SPEAKING OF BAGGAGE, CYCLOPS IS STILL WORKING OUT SOME ISSUES RIGHT BEFORE THE NUPTIALS:

I like how I drew little peehole slits on the cross of the tombstone. Go me.

Anyway, big, over sized issue, and all the dark phoenix and mastermind stuff that theyve been teasing for a while is tied up here. It's absurd that it ends with a wedding of Cyclops and some random chick he just met but this was Claremont's way to give Cyclops and the original Phoenix the happy ending they were never allowed to because the editors at Marvel demanded Jean Grey kill herself as punishment for blowing up a planet with 6 billion fish people on it.

We're never told whatever happens to Mastermind either. After finally defeating him and shattering the illusions that were causing all the fighting and drama of the previous 30 pages, Wolverine is about to go all stabby stabby on the guy when Storm pulls him away (fucking Storm). But then he's never seen again. I guess they sent him to jail? Or the Avengers prison for super villains, the Vault? Just fucking kill the guy, the X-Men are already outloaws, who gives a shit.

Unfortunately I don't write the Uncannible X-Nads, but when I do, you better believe there will be more stabbings to death. And like I said, the last page is a titleless splash page and it's of Scott and Madelyne playing tonsil hockey after their wedding vows.

And they all lived happily ever after.

...or did they?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Oh, and I almost forgot, I made this super awesome Balzac's Ballsack X-Pussies Video. I spent a lot of time on it, as you will see, and hopefully I'll be able to just embed the motherfucker right here. Let's try.

HAHA! YES I'M AWESOME

X-Men 174: Rom-ANTS in the PANTS!

what we learned this issue from young mutants in love!

THIS ISSUE IS ALL ABOUT SUCKING AND FUCKING (DIDN'T WE ALREADY DO ONE OF THESE?)

• SCOTT SUMMERS BONES MADELYNE PRYOR UP IN SPACE
• HEPZIPAH THE SPACE SKUNK LADY TALKS ABOUT BONING COSAIR, CYCLOPS' DAD (SHE SAYS "YUM!" SCOTT SAYS "BARF!")
• LILANDRA THE SPACE EMPRESS AND PROF CHARLIE XAVIER LAMENT THAT IT WILL BE DIFFICULT TO BONE WHEN THEYRE GALAXIES APART (YEAH NO SHIT)
• CYCLOPS AND MADELYNE BONE ONCE MORE IN SPACE
• MARIKO TELLS WOLVEROONIE THEY WILL BONE NONE MORE TIMES (PSST- DONT TAKE IT TOO HARD BRO, SHE'S UNDER MIND CONTROL)
• KITTY "JAILBAIT" PRYDE ATTEMPTS SEDUCE COLOSSUS AND THEY ALMOST BONE BEFORE BEING DISCOVERED BY LESBIAN STORM
• NIGHTCRAWLER'S STEPSISTER WITCH GIRLFRIEND SENDS HIM A STUFFED TOY LIKENESS OF HERSELF TO MASTURBATE TO UNTIL THEY CAN BONE TOGETHER AGAIN
• MADELYNE IS READY FOR SCOTT TO BONE HER ONCE MORE BUT HE FUCKS IT ALL UP BY ASKING HER IF SHE IS PHOENIX REINCARNATED (TOO BAD THEY ARE ALSO BOTH BEING MANIPULATED BY THE COCKBLOCKING, MINDCONTROLLING, ASSHOLE, MASTERMIND)

OH AND THAT STUPID BITCH BINARY SHOWS UP BUT NO ONE WANTS ANYTHING TO DO WITH HER DISEASED CUNNY.

AND FINALLY, ANOTHER ICONIC PAUL SMITH SCENE DEPICTING THE SWEET, SWEET FORBIDDEN FRUIT OF UNDERAGE POON-TANG:

Colossus and Kitty were a big time "will they or won't they" couple which most of the world should have been rooting against because Colossus is 19 and Kitty is 14 and that's jut too much. 35 and 30 obviously wouldn't be a big deal but we're talking about an age difference equal to over a third of Kitty's life. What the fuck, Claremont, just let one of the New Mutants plow her, what do you think they're there for?

Anyway, they finally make out in this issue. Whatever.

And some of the other other plot lines from previous issues are addressed or completely tied up for now (like Wolvie and his star crossed jap lover, Mariko, thank christ). There is also a rather clumsy recap of the Dark Phoenix saga because a return of the Phoenix force has been teased for a while now and the cliff hanger ends with Madelyne Pryor dressed up like Dark Phoenix and zapping the shit out of Cyclops. It's all just a red herring though, as (consider that shit spoiled already) it was all just Mastermind being a super mega robo jerk and aint none of that is real.

And Kitty gets all meta by reading an issue of Star Wars, which Marvel had the licence to at the time and it supposedly helped keep them out of bankruptcy. And all it took Marvel was a mere 30 years or so to realize they could increase they're company's value from approximately zero to $4 billion by making they're own Hollywood blockbusters. Must have been some real geniuses working there, let me tell you.

Next issue: NOT the Dark fuggin Phoenix but also a double sized extravabonanza! Also Paul Smith's last issue before a looooong run by shitty John Romita Jr. Boo.

X-Men 173: TO FROT AND FROT NOT

what we learned this issue besides obviously preferring to frot:

ROGUE AND WOLVERINE GO OUT BAR FIGHTING IN GINZA. UH, WHY AREN'T YOU IN ROPPONGI, LOSERS, THE CLUBS THERE ARE WAY NICER.

YURIKO AND STORM CONTINUE THEIR LESBIANIC-AWAKENING-CROSS-COUNTRY RAMPAGE.

STORM FOR THE FIRST TIME EVEN USES HER "POWERS TO DELIBERATELY INFLICT PAIN." HEY, GOOD FOR YOU, FAGGOT!

ROGUE AND WOLVIE EVENTUALLY TRACK DOWN THE NINJA ASSASSINS TRYING TO ASSASSINATE THE X-MANS AND A BAD ASS NINJA FIGHT ENSUES, WHICH THE X-MEN WIN, NATCH.

AND WOLVERINE AND MARIKO CELEBRATE WITH A WEDDING WHERE MADELYNE PRYOR MEETS THE X-WADS AND STORM SHOWS OFF HER NEW LEATHERED AND MOHAWKED DOMINATRIX OUTFIT.

BUT THEN ASSHOLE MASTERMIND FUCKS IT ALL UP AND MIND CONTROLS MARIKO INTO JILTING LOGAN-SAN AT THE ALTER. THANKS A LOT, MASTERMIND, YOU COCK!

AND PAUL SMITH CONTRIBUTES ANOTHER CLASSIC MATERPIECIFIC COVER THAT WILL BE REVERED AND HOMAGED BY BUTTHEADS FOR YEARS TO COME:

This was a great issue with so many great fight scenes and some tender moments and YES, SO MANY NINJAS. Mastermind is used as a total Deus Ex Machina to stop Wolverine's nuptials but his character would have been completely in the toilet had it gone through with the marriage so it's for the best (please see the main MU continuity's handling of Pepter Parker and Mary-Jane Watson for exhibit A).

It's also kind of silly that all these ninjas are fighting with throwing stars and shit when they also have nuclear-powered super-laser-blaster handguns and teleportation devices, but whatever, the fight scenes still roxzord.

The handling of Storm's de-twatification is rather bizarre, but also welcomed because before she was constantly on the rag and really not fun to read. And all she had to do was lez-out with a manic-depressive, quasi-suicidal, ex-boning partner of Wolverine's and buy a whole bunch of new leather clothes and a studded dog collar and shave her hair into a mohawk. Like, what took you so long, bitch!

Madelyne's introduction to the X-Men is also pretty hilarious as people keep mistaking her for Jean Grey, who we last saw killing literally billions of people, so that all try and kill her on the spot/recoil in horror. But that doesn't phase her. Nope, dutiful girlfriend to mutant stud Cyclops that she is, the only time she seems a little bit thrown off by her future in-law superheros is when Kitty Pryde asks her to babysit her pet dragon.

Yep, this is why comics are fucking awesome.

And you can officially consider Rogue a part of the X-Farts, now that she's hung with Wolvie and and held her own. She's totally cool now, bro, totally.

Next issue: SLUTS!

X-Men 172: Harlot in Orgy

What we learned this issue in both scarlet and glory, whatever the fuck thats supposed to mean

WOLVERINE STARTS HIS SLOW DOWNWARD DESCENT TO TOTAL PUSSYDOM

THOUGH HE DID JUST STRAIGHT UP MURDER AN OLD MAN IN HIS LIMITED SERIES THAT JUST TOOK PLACE, AND WHICH FREAKS THE FUCK OUT OF COLOSSUS AND KITTY PRYDE.

SAYING YOU KILLED A DUDE AROUND THE X-MEN IS LIKE USING A RACIAL SLUR AROUND POLITE COMPANY. FUCKIN LIGHTEN UP YOU GOD DAMN BORING ASSHOLES.

OH YEAH, AND THE X-MEN ARE IN JAPAN BECAUSE WOLVERINE IS GOING TO GET MARRIED, HENCE THE TRANSFORMATION INTO A GAPPING VAGINA.

THERES LIKE, FULL ON NINJAS AND SHIT EVERYWHERE

WOLVERINE ALSO PLOWED A PSYCHO NINJA BABE NAMED YURIKO. YOU'D ACTUALLY BE HARD PRESSED TO FIND A PYSCHO NINJA BABE THIS SIDE OF CREATION THAT WOLVERINE HASN'T BEEN BALLS DEEP IN.

STORM ALSO APPEARS TO BE IN THE EARLY STAGES OF BEING POSSESSED BY THE PHOENIX FORCE, EXCEPT (SPOILY POO POO ALERT) ITS ALL JUST A RED HERRING THATS NEVER EXPLAINED LATER. FUCKING WACK BULLSHIT, CLAREMONT.

FUN TIMES WITH FART TEA FOR ALL THE X-PALS:

Wolverine is back from his limited series, a classic by Frank Miller and Chris Claremont, it just should never have involved fucking Wolverine. Claremont basically just continued the limited series spin off in the regular X-Men series, as all the X-Bungs show up in Japan and mix it up with all the ninjas and crime lords and other sundry slanty eyed types from the limited series. Even Paul Smith seems to be channeling his inner Frank Miller with lots of homage-y panel lay outs. He always draws some bad ass fight scenes, although they mostly involve Yuriko, and not any of the actual X-Sharts.

Anyway, the fart tea was actually poison tea and that takes out most of the X-Men except Wolvie and Stormy and Rogue-ain. So after some fuckin plot and action I don't feel like going over, we're all set up for next issue with Wolverine and Rogue pairing off to go fuck up ninja assholes and Storm and Yuriko together again for hot interracial tribbing.

And the villains are the Silver Samurai and Viper and maybe some other Jap mobster ninja types, I don't really remember. It's a good bet that whoever else they may be, they are all into tentacle porn, because all fucking japanese people are crazy for that shit.

well, maybe next issue i will think of funnier things to type, but probably not. oh well.

X-Men 171: ROGAINE

What we learned this issue as Rogue is welcomed to the X-Men and her survival of the experience is wished by all

STORM IS NOW THE LEADER OF THE MORLOCKS AND SHE COMMANDS THEM TO ALL BE AS BIG A PUSSY AS SHE IS

EVEN THOUGH CYCLOPS AND MADELYNE PRYOR WERE ON THIER FIRST DATE LAST ISSUE, THEY ARE ALREADY SHARING A BED AND SPLITTING ONE SET OFF PAJAMAS TO SLEEP IN. AND SO IT SEEMS MADELYNE HAS A SCRATCHY THROAT IN IS JUST A LITTLE WHORSE. HAHA THAT WAS A PUN.

THAT SPASTIC TWAT CAROL DANVERS IS BACK AS BINARY AGAIN. FUGGIN GREAD. JUST WHAT I WANTED. MORE CAROL FUGGIN DANBURS. SHID.

ILLYANA RASPUTIN STILL HAS SOME HANG UP OVER SEEING THE EVIL DEMON THAT IMPRISONED AND RAPED HER FOR SEVEN YEARS. JEEZ, BUILD A BRIDGE AND GET OVER IT ALREADY, WILL YA?

ROGUE SHOWS UP AND WANTS TO BE A GOOD GUY AND XAVIER LETS HER IN OVER THE OBJECTIONS OF BINARY, WHO PUNCHES THE FUCK OUT OF ROGUE, AND STORM, WHO JUST POUTS AROUND LIKE A RAGING MEGA BITCH. PERIOD MUCH, STORM? JUST STUFF A TOWEL IN THERE AND MOVE ON, SOME OF US HAVE SHIT TO DO, YOU KNOW.

WHEN ROGUE FIRST SHOWS UP COLOSSUS ANSWERS THE DOOR AND THEY SHARE A PLEASANT CONVERSATION LIKE PALS:

I don't know why Claremont has such a tremendous boner about Carol Danvers, aka Ms Marvel, but hopefully we've seen the last of her this issue, but I'm not sure. She fucks off after clocking Rogue literally into outer space (and I do mean literally, this is a comic book, remember) and it may or may not be the last we've seen of her.

Another of Claremont's creepy female character fetishes pops up again not unlike an erection, in Madelyne Pryor. It's unclear exactly what Claremont originally had planned for this character, since her history gets all kinds of fucked up in later issues years on down the road, but here, in like her second or third appearance (or some other number, what am I, a fucking X-Douche Encyclopedia?) she tells Cyclops that she survived a horrible plane crash at the exact same time Jean Grey, Scott's ex-girlfriend, was committing suicide on the moon (some love life, this guy). So I think it's pretty obvious that Claremont wants Jean Grey back in comics and so he just created this "other" Jean Grey with a different name and now she and Cyclops are going to get married and retire from the super hero game together. It's pretty fucking weird tho, being that attached to some made up character in comics. I mean who gives a fucking shit about comic book characters? Fucking nerds, get a fucking life!

And Walt Simonson is the guest penciler for this issue. Simonson is a totally rad dude who made some legendary comics in his day (writing and drawing), but this issue is a little off. He may have been rushed or the inker, Bob Wiacek, may not have been familiar enough with his pencil work or maybe something else. But it's still not bad, by any stretch. Also, true story, I met Walt Simonson at the Baltimore Comic-con and he signed my copy of X-Factor 15. Fucking cool, right? Totally!

And Rogue officially joins the X-Men, which will of course lead to all sorts of angsty drama amongst the X-Turds as Rogue is a former bad guy and adopted daughter of super villain Mystique so how can she be trusted? She can't! What the fuck were you thinking Xavier you dickhead!

Oh and Wolverine returns next issue after spending the last 4 months in his own mini-series. Look at the commitment to continuity, people! You don't see that very often these days. Fuckin christ I am lame.

Still: yea Wolverine! Fuck shit up!

X-Men 170: Dancin' in the Farts

What we learned this issue while lancin (e.g. frotting) in the dark:

CYCLOPS IS NOT WELL VERSED IN THE SEXY ARTS OF SEDUCTION.

ON A FIRST DATE, SMOOTH PLAYA CYCLOPS PULLS OUT A PICTURE OF HIS DEAD GIRLFRIEND - WHICH HE STILL KEEPS ON HIM AT ALL TIMES - TO SHOW HIS HOT DATE JUST HOW MUCH THEY LOOK LIKE EACH OTHER.

LUCKILY FOR CYCLOPS, RED-HEADED BABE MADELYNE PRYOR IS SIMPLING THROWING HER PUSSY AT HIM, AND THEY BONE BY THE END OF THE BOOK ANYWAY.

MEANWHILE, THE MORLOCKS ARE STILL TYING UP A MUTANT WHO CAN TELEPORT. DUMBASSES.

MYSTIQUE AND DESTINY ARE TWO OLD MUTANT SCISSOR SISTERS.

STORM STABS THE SHIT OUT OF CALLISTO'S HEART IN WHAT IS BY FAR THE MOST BAD ASS THING SHE HAS DONE IN HER LIFE.

FUCKING TASTE COLD STEEL, CALLISTO'S HEART!

PAUL SMITH IS A SLICK MOTHERFUCKING ARTIST.

HOWEVER, NEITHER CYCLOPS NOR MADELYNE PRYOR'S FASHION SENSIBILITIES WILL STAND UP TOT HE TEST OF TIME VERY WELL:

Besides the spastic courtship of Cyclops and Madelyne Pryor, this issue is all about the Morlocks and the X-Faces mixing it up in the sewers. The highlight of the issue, and one of the raddest bits in X-Men history, is a knife fight between the Morlock leader, Callisto and X-Men boss lady Storm. Storm winds by nonchalantly stabbing the fuck out of Callisto and strolling away from her dead lifeless corpse.

Storm, a notorious pussy and tree hugger who refuses to kill anything, finally does something cool for once in her boring life. But the Morlocks have a healer that brings Callisto back to life so really it wasn't all that cool.

There's also a mid-issue interlude where we see lesbian couple Mystique and Destiny talk about their foster daughter, Rogue, whose run away and will join the X-Men next issue (Spoiled Alert!). The segment is notable for the incredibly dope panel of a close up of Mystique's tearing eyeball reflecting the image of Jean Grey slashing her throat (it happens in a dream which also foreshadows the return of Mastermind, the evil villain of the Dark Phoenix Saga). Paul Smith was at the top of his game during this run, aided and abetted by the smooth inking of Bob Wiack.

I also like how the still kidnapped Angel is totally forced to wear serious S&M bondage gear.

Anyway, thanks to Storm's bloodthirsty savagery, the X-Nuts know have a massive horde of decrapitated looking mutant bums under their charge. Great, that's gonna get them invited to a lot off parties, I'm sure.

Next issue, Rogue joins the fart party of X-Farts and Cyclops continues ramming his ruby quartz ding-a-ling in Madelyne Pryor's cloned fire crotch. So great fun for all!

X-men 169: CRAPTACOMBS

69 BONUS EDITION!

WHAT WE LEARNED THIS ISSUE (NOT INCLUDING, UNFORTUNATELY, WHAT SEPARATES MAROON 5 FROM JAMIROQUAI WITH A BAND):

WARREN WORTHINGTON III IS SO FLUSH WITH CASH HIS H

OME HAS A TELEPHONE WITH SPEED DIAL! FUCK!

TOO BAD IT DOESN'T HELP HIS SPERM REPOSITORY, CANDY SOTHERN FROM BEING ABDUCTED BY SOME BIG UGLY PIECE OF SHIT NAMED SUNDER.

OH WAIT, NIGHTCRAWLER DOES SAVE HER, RIGHT BEFORE HE WAS ABOUT TO PLOW HIS STEP-SISTER/GIRLFRIEND (EW) AMANDA SEFTON. CANDY YOU COCKBLOCKIN BITCH!

BUT WWIII DID GEET KIDNAPPED, AND THE X-KNOBS ARE OFF TO HIS RESCUE, WHICH TAKES THEM DEEP WITHIN THE BOWELS OF VAST THE NEW YORK SUBTERRANEAN TUNNEL SYSTEM WHICH TOTALLY DOES NOT EXIST.

SERIOUSLY, WHY WOULD YOU CONNECT A MASSIVE SEWER SYSTEM TO A SUBWAY SYSTEM? YOU FUCKING WOULDN'T. THAT'S DUMB.

BUT I GUESS THERE IS ONE IN THE MARVEL UNIVERSE AND A BUNCH OF FUCKING GRODY LOOKING HOMELESS PEOPLE MUTANTS LIVE THERE AND THEY FIGHT THE X-MEN.

AND RIGHT BEFORE THE CLIFFFHANGER ENDING WE FIND ANGEL STUCK IN AN S&M BONDAGE DUNGEON WITH HIS MISTRESS.

This is the first appearance of the Morlocks and their leader, Castillo, whose power is to be ugly and skinny and dress like a fucking hipster douche bag. Reading this for the first time helped foster that ridiculous fantasy that all big cities were built on top of a giant abandoned underground tunnels where all sorts of crazy, fucked up shit goes down. Maybe I'm making too big a deal of out this (me? make too big of a deal of a comic book? never!) but there's just no reason why any city would ever make a sewer system that spacious and ornate. You can't live in the swer tunnels. In real life you wouldn't be even able to fit in them, the pipes are that big. And that's all they are, just a bunch off fuckin pipes. Nobody built huge empty rooms underground with big stone archways just for the hell off it. And the subway tunnels likewise have no extra space in them. They're just big enough for a subway car to travel through, why the fuck would there big a sidewalk next to them? And there sure as fuck aren't any two story staircases with ornate, decorate railings. Come on, that is just too much!

Ok, now that I've proven that I clearly have no life all I've got left to say is that this is an enjoyable issue with more strong art from Paul Smith but it's mostly a set up for next issue, when the Morlocks and X-Loafs fight it out again. Oh and the creepy stalker dude Caliban from a bunch of issues ago is back and kidnapped Kitty Pryde and probably molested her because he is clearly retarded.

X-Men 168: PROFESSOR XAVIER IS A JERK(OFF)!

WHAT WE LEARNED TODAY FROM THAT FUGGIN JAGOV XAVIER:

KITTY WANTS A BLOODBATH!

DAMN KITTY LOOKED SO GOOD IN THIS ISSUE, IF SHE WEREN'T 14 AND COLOSSUS WASN'T ALREADY TAPPIN THAT ASS I'D BE ALL UP IN THAT SHIT. I'D BE LIKE, WHAT'S UP BABY CAN GET SOME FRIES WITH THAT SHAKE SWEET THANG. THEN I'D SLIDE MY BONE ROD UP IN HER SHE CAVE AND GET MY SPERMS ALL UP ON HER EGGS AND SHE'D HAVE TO GET A GAGORTION AND IT WOULD BE TRUE LOVE FOREVER.

HAH, NO THAT'S FUCKIN FUCKED UP. I'M NOT THAT KIND OF DEGENERATE INTERNET FREAKSHOW, I SWEAR!

THIS ISSUE IS ALL ABOUT BONING THOUGH. CHECK IT OUT:

• XAVIER BONES LILANDRA
• CYCLOPS PORKS LEE FORRESTER
• KNIGHTCRAWLER PLOWS AMANDA SEFTON, THE BLONDE(!) GYPSY STEP-SISTER SORCERESS
• AND STORMS SUCKS THE METAPHORICAL TEAT OF MOTHER NATURE, BECAUSE SHE'S ALL ABOUT THAT SHIT

LOCKHEED THE DRAGON AND KITTY'S FAMILIAR IS FINALLY NAMED AND MADE PART OF THE TEAM. HE HAS A WRY SENSE OF HUMOR AND WHEN A SIDRI ALIEN SHOOTS AN ENERGY BEAM AT HIM, HE "RESPONDS IN KIND" (CLAREMONT LOVES THAT FUCKING PHRASE)

SO NOW KITTY HAS SOME GOD DAMN FIRE POWER DURING BATTLES

AND MADELINE PRYOR IS INTRODUCED IN THE LAST PAGE, WHOSE HISTORY AND STORYLINE IS SO FUCKED UP AND CONVOLUTED I'M NOT EVEN GOING TO BEGIN TO EXPLAIN IT. LONG STORY SHORT, SHES A FAKE JEAN GREY AND CYCLOPS IS GOING TO ONE DAY PLOW HER FERTILE VAGINAL SOIL ONE DAY AS WELL.

OH YEAH AND KITTY IS PISSED BECAUSE XAVIER WANTS TO DEMOTE HER TO THE NEWD MUTAINTS AND SHE WANTS TO STAY ON THE X-MEN. HERE IS THE FIRST PANEL OF THE ISSUE, ONE OF THE MOST FAMOUS SPLASH PAGES IN X-MEN HISTORY, LOVING RECREATED BY ME:

Before we talk anymore about this issue can I just say that A Few Good Men is a great flick and is worth watching just about anytime it comes up on but I think it's responsible for everyone thinking court rooms are exciting and now all sorts of fucking movies come out where lawyers are all yelling and being dramatic and its fucking bullshit. i havent been in that many court rooms myself, but every time i have its quiet, boring and fucking depressing. you cant yell in the court room, the judge would fuck your shit right up. theres like 5 or 6 serious shouting matches in A Few Good Men. it makes for a good movie, but come on, the judge runs the court room and the lawyers are little scum sucking peons that are constantly sucking up to the robe and if they lose the case or whatever, fuck it, theyre getting paid and they move on to the next client. no lawyers actually give a shit about their client.

so what i'm saying is there needs to be dramas based on the judges point of view and I WANT MORE NIGHT COURT RERUNS. which also has the best use of a wood block in a tv theme song ever. im pretty sure thats an indisputable fact.

ok so this is the first issue of the "From the Ashes" 9 issue arc that is collected in trade paperback and, along with the Dark Phoenix Saga, is the most famous parts of Claremont's run. They both have amazing artwork and great storylines and character development to do along with dope ass action scenes. Its how most people who started reading the x-men in the late 80's/90's (ie me) were able to cheaply read some x-men pack story.

and i dont feel like recapping it anymore. i will say that claremont begins to throw the word "Yum" around with increasing frequency in his issues, which is his code word for the characters thinking "I've nothing but prurient thoughts in my head right now, lets shed are clothes and fuck immediately or at least masturbate together." but in a all ages comic book, "Yum!" is all you get.

Ok i got Maryland vs Duke football tickets, time to go tailgate and fuck those snobby butt rags straight to hell! TERPS TERPS TERPS TERPS TERPS TERPS TERPS TERPS!

X-Men 167: The Hold My Cocks Syndrome! or: "Who's Been Slurping on My Head?"

What the three fuggin bears taught us this issue:

THE GOLDILOCKS SYNDROME IS WHEN YOU COME AND YOU FINE PEOPLE IN YOUR HOUSE. IN THIS CASE, THE NEW MUTANTS ARE SUBSTITUTES FOR BEARS. BULLSHIT, THERE IS NO SUBSTITUTE FOR BEARS, EXCEPT BEARS DRIVING CARS.

THE NEWD MUTAINTS AND THE X-BEARS FIGHT, FOR NOT FUCKING REASON WHATSOEVER, EXCEPT HOW ELSE IS CLAREMONT GOING TO SHOW EVERYONE WHAT THE NUDE MOOTANTS' POWERS ARE?

OH ALLRIGHT, THEYRE FIGHTING BECAUSE XAVIER IS MANIPULATING THEM BECAUSE HE'S BEEN SECRETLY TURNED INTO AN ALIEN BUG SPECIES, THE BROOD!

BUT THEN XAVIER GETS BETTER BECAUSE THE STARJAMMER'S FLYING ROBOT DOCTOR INSECT SAVES HIS LIFE. OH LOOK, STARJAMJOBS AS DEUS EX MACHINA. AGAIN. NO NEED TO GIVE A SHIT ABOUT DYING AROUND THESE FUCKERS. JUST GO NUTS.

LILANDRA IS BACK AS EMPRESS OF THE SHI'AR EMPIRE AND SHE FUCKS OFF THE IMPERIAL GAURD TO DEAL WITH THE FANTASTIC FOUR IN THIER FUCKING COMIC BOOK AND XAVIER STAYS AT HOME AND ITS LIKE THE END OF A SHITTY EPISODIC TV SHOW CAUSE EVERYTHING IS BACK TO NORMAL UNTIL NEXT WEEK'S HILARIOUS CAPER OR HARROWING HIJINKS.

XAVIER IS GOING TO BE THE SEXY BALD CRIPPLED MEAT IN THE MIDDLE OF A MOIRA AND LILANDRA SEX SANDWICH.

KITTY PRYDE IS FUCKIN FIRED!

BEHOLD, A MASTERPIECE:

This is a fine issue if you can get past the name, which makes no sense (par for the course).

and then i was going finish this right up but i then i got drunk. so i got nothing now. it was a nice normal friday and i had a few good men on tnt but cest la vie. good issue, paul smith is the man and im im done. ext issue, KITTY PRYDE VS XAVIER. nice.

X-Men 166: live free or pie, delicious pie!

I choose pie! 3 cheers for sweet delicious pie and slavery!

WHAT THE BLACK NEBULA TAUGHT US TODAY:

A WHOLE BUNCH OF SHIT ABOUT GIANT SINGING ALIEN SPACE WHALES THAT I DONT MUCH FEEL LIKE EXPLAINING.

ONCE AGAIN, THE X-MEN SUCK AT BEING HEROES AND ARE SAVED BY A BUNCH OFDEUS EX MACHINA, INCLUDING GO-TO EX MACHINA FAVS, THE RIM JOBBERS, I MEAN STARJAMMERS.

THE STARJAMMERS' ROBOT HELICOPTER MEDIC TALKS LIKE YODA, EXCEPT MORE STUPID.

HEY WHO WANTS AN EXAMPLE OF THE STUPID YODA TALK? YOU DO? GREAT! HERE YOU GO: "PHYSICIAN, YOURS, AM I CURSED TO BE! IF NOT YOU, MY ORDERS OBEY, THEN RESPONSIBILITY I DENY, YOUR HEALTH THE STATE OF!"

WOOF. LOOK, IF YOU'RE GOING TO REVERSE THE STANDARD SUBJECT, VERB, OBJECT SENTENCE FORMATION THEN JUST FUCKING DO IT. DON'T FUCK AROUND WITH IT SO MUCH NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THE FUCK YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT, SHIT.

KITTY'S FIRST MEETING WITH LOCKHEED IS A VERY TOUCHING MOMENT INDEED

Near as I can tell, the moral of this story is if you are ever infected by some evil alien sleazeoids (holy jesus is that a stupid word), your best bet it to plunge headlong into the alien scum's home planet, hoping some random ass shit will happen to save your ass, and if not, at least you're already at your new home with your new alien scum friends and relatives.

Because that basically what the X-Lumps do. There's also some dumb allegory about space whales and their souls being exploited by the Brood, like how humans exploit animals, I think. Or maybe not, who cares. Anyway, the X-Men walk into the "soul" of the Acanti, the singing space whales, and it cures them of the Brood's infection that was going to turn them into more Brood and then Binary and The Starslappers come and rescue them. And Kitty finds a pet fire breathing dragon because Kitty has no offensive powers and Claremont and the artists were getting tired of figured out what to do with Kitty's faggoty ass during battles, so now she can just have the dragon fuck shit up for her.

Speaking of artists, Paul Smith kicks more ass this issue. It sucks for Dave Cockrum that Smith finishes a 5 or 6 issue storyline for him because it's pretty easy to compare the two and come the conclusion that Paul Smith stomps a muddy butthole all over Dave Cockrum.

But at least Cockrum can say he helped create the motherfuckers, so don't feel too bad for him. Oh, also he's dead, so he doesn't mind, because he can't.

There was some other shit in this issue too (it was a double sized special, after all) but it's late and I forget and I don't feel like flipping back through the pages. Oh i remember one now, CLaremont uses the word "selfsame" for the first time, as far as I remember, which is funny because he uses it a lot and it's totally not a word at all.

Good issue though, despite a lot of fruity exposition about the space whales and what not.

Next issue, we go back to the Planit Erf! So long, fuckin space!

X-men 165: trans dong rication

WHAT CAN SUCK ONE FOR SPORT AND PLEASURE:

WELL THIS SHOULD BE FUN - ITS 330 AND IM SOZZLED

FIRST OF ALL, WOLVERINE SHOULD not BE ABLE TO USE HIS CLAWS TO STOP HIM FLYING INTO THE HOLE IN THE HULL. HIS CLAWS SHOULD RIP THROUGH THE SPACECRAFT MATERIAL LIKE BUTTER. HORSESHIT I SAY.

SECOND OF ALL, CYCLOPS, GREAT LEADER THOUGH HE IS, SHOULD not BE ABLE TO BE HEARD OVER THE DIN OF THE TORNADO LIKE SUCTION WIND THATS FUCKING UP THE ENTIRE SPACECRAFT.

STEVEHUNTER AND MOIRA ARE JUST GOING TO RELAX POOLSIDE WHILE X-MEN ARE DEFYING DEATH UP IN SPACE?!?!?! REALLY???? SEAWARD, BOTH OF THEM

COLOSSUS AND KITTY, SCANDOLOUS, FOR REAL.

TYPOSE ABOUND, FUCK IT.

So, strom knows theres a brood growing her, and her solution is to fly, in a space ship, into the galactic core. so, that should vaporize her, but instead she melds, or something, with a giant space whale names an acanti. this happens.

then storm shows up in spirit form to the x knobs and its weird. then wolverine tells knocght crawler that hes an atheist, BECASUE HE IS AWESOME. then everyone fucks around like giant pussiews.

then theyre all like, why is storm here, she should be dead. then kitty has an awesome scene where she contemplates death, and claremont does his best work and says (thru colossus): " we are dying kitty, what you do not comprehend, is that we are dying from the moment off birth, indeed from the instant of conception. creation bears within itself the seeds of its own destruction. our lives are finite things. we live our alloted spans and no more."

fuckin a right. then thery make out. thats fucking wrong for a 19 year old and a 14 year old. sorry its true, weirdos.

then they get swallowed by the giant space whale that has mearged its sole with storm and its like, fuck this, next issue please.

also its paul smith the artist not dave cockrum, so its a million times better. smith gets better in the next issues but i think its also the inker, bob wiack getting more comfortable than anything. either way im done typing this shit and go ahead and fuck all this shit. touchdown x-men. good night and extra point for everyone;. SPACE TOUCHDOWNS THAT IS>

X-Men 164: BINARY FARTS - toot! toot!

WHAT WE LEARNED THIS SPACE ISSUE:

THE WHOLE ISSUE IS ONE BIG SPACE FIGHT! PEW PEW PEW!

THE BROOD ARE CHASING THE X-DONGS IN THEIR SHI'AR SPACE YACHT. THE BROOD DON'T WANT TO KILL THE X-MEN BECAUSE THEY'VE BEEN INSEMINATED WITH BABY BROODS AND THE X-MEN DON'T WANT TO KILL THE BROOD BECAUSE THEY'RE GREAT BIG PUSSIES AND IT GOES AGAINST THE MORAL CODE. LOOKS LIKE WE GOT US SPACE BATTLE BETWEEN A COUPLA FACKIN QUEEAHS!

CAROL DANVERS TURNS INTO BINARY - A COSMIC SUPERHERO WHOSE POWER "TAPS INTO A WHITE HOLE - HER ENERGY SOURCE IS THE PRIMAL FABRIC OF THE UNIVERSE." YEAH I'D LIKE TO TAP INTO HER "WHITE HOLE" IF YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. (FYI, A WHITE HOLE IS A BLEACHED ANUS. I JUST MADE THAT UP BUT ITS ALSO A FACT I'M PRETTY SURE.)

ALSO CHECK OUT ALL THIS GOD DAMN SCI-FI TECHNO-BABBLE: "VELOCITY: POINT FOUR LIGHT AND INCREASING." "TACTICAL PROJECTION IS THAT THE TARGET WILL SHIFT INTO WARP AS SOON AS IT IS ABLE. MY CADRE LACKS FASTER THAN LIGHT CAPABILITY." "AS LONG AS WE REMAIN SUB-LIGHT, WE CAN'T OUT RUN THEM. AND WE ARE STILL TOO DEEP WITHIN THIS STAR'S GRAVITY WELL TO SHIFT INTO WARP SPACE." THERES WAY MORE BUT I DONT FEEL LIKE LOOKING THEM AND COPYING THE DOWN ANYMORE.

IF YOU MISSED THE ISSUE WHERE COLOSSUS' SISTER GETS KIDNAPPED IN HELL, XAVIER HAS A TIDY LITTLE EXPOSITORY RECAP FOR YOU: "ACCORDING TO MOIRA, ILLYANA WAS ABDUCTED BY A DEMON-LORD NAMED BELASCO AND HELD FOR SEVEN YEARS IN HIS MYSTIC DOMAIN, THOUGH ONLY MOMENTS PASSED HERE ON EARTH." OH OK, THATS EXPLAINS IT, THEN.

MY FAVORITE PART IS THE LAST PAGE THERE X-MEN NEED SAVING SO BINARY IS LIKE, "I'LL DO IT" AND THEN FLIES OUT OF THE SPACE YACHT, BUSTING A HUGE WHOLE THROUGH THE HULL IN THE PROCESS AND CREATING A DEADLY VACUUM THAT STARTS SUCKING ALL THE X-MEN OUT TO AN ICY COLD IMMINENT DEATH. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU THINKING, BINARY, YOU JACKASS?

WOLVERINE IS STILL THE ONLY X-MEN WITH ANY FUCKING BALLS!

There is some good space action and drama in this issue, but plotwise, nothing happens of any consequence and the X-Men especially don't do shit. They are under attack and are outgunned and totally screwed, until Carol Danvers, with very little explanation, just turns into a super powerful cosmic being and saves all their asses. Then Wolverine finally tells the X-Dopes they have Brood fetuses growing inside them and they all freak, especially Storm, who runs away in an escape pod like a big baby. So then Binary flies off to save the day but, like I mentioned, smashes a whole in the wall and the issue ends in a cliffhanger with all the X-Bags getting sucked out into space.

You know, I figure transforming from a normal human into an all-powerful space being would be pretty traumatic, but does it also render you completely retarded in the process? What the fuck is the matter with you, Binary. You are so dumb. You are really dumb. For real. So you can run and tell that, home boy.

And the hemming and hawing and bullshit the X-Men go through regarding their reluctance to kill the Brood is pure agony, because IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY FUCKING SENSE. It's not illegal or immoral to kill someone in self defense. These fucking idiots deserve to be flayed alive by the rapacious alien big fiends just for being such fucking assholes about it. You god damn pussies. Fucking sack up.

Anyway, college football is on and I'm getting distracted. Oh look, Alabama is playing Duke. Let's go pound those nerds! Yeah!

NERDS! NERDS! NERDS! NERDS! NERDS! NERDS! NERDS! NERDS! NERDS! NERDS! NERDS!

X-Men 163: Rescue Mitzvah!

What we learned this mission:

WOLVERINE IS STILL A BAD ASS

CYCLOPS IS BEING A WHINY POOS POONANY AND DOESNT WANT WOLVERINE TO KILL THE QUEEN ALIEN. WHAT THE FUCK CYCLOPS, ITS NOT HUMAN, ITS A REMORSELESS SLAUGHTERING MACHINE, THERE IS NO MORAL DILEMMA, KILL THE MOTHERFUCKER ALREADY.

MY FIRST PET WILL BE NAMED REMORSELESS SLAUGHTERING MACHINE

I'M NOT KIDDING, I WILL REALLY NAME IT THAT

HAVOK ACTS OUT HIS IMPOTENT RAGE BY BLASTING SOME INNOCENT TWO-BY-FOURS. GROW UP, HAVOK.

THERE IS A 3 PAGE SCENE OF KITTY RUNNING AWAY FROM A BROOD ALIEN THAT BLATANTLY COPIES SIGOURNEY WEAVER'S LAST SCENE IN THE MOVIE ALIEN. MORE IMPORTANTLY, KITTY'S 14 YEAR OLD BOSOMS ARE PRACTICALLY SPILLING OUT OF HER TORN DRESS. WHATS UP WITH THE KIDDIE PORN. WAIT, KITTY PORN, KIDDIE PORN, WOW I JUST THOUGHT OF THAT!

CYCLOPS: SO LILANDRA, TIME TO GO HOME IN OUR SPACE SHIP NOW?

LILANDRA: NOT SO FAST CYCLOPS, ALLOW ME TO EXPLAIN WHY NOT WITH SOME MADE-UP TECHNO BABBLE SPACE JARGON. YOU SEE, WE ARE STILL TOO DEEP WITHIN THE SOLAR GRAVITY WELL TO SHIFT INTO WARP SPACE. WHILE WE REMAIN AT SUBLIGHT VELOCITIES, WE ARE VULNERABLE.

CYCLOPS: YEAH, WHATEVER, BITCH.

Cosair really does look like a SUPER DUPER gay space pirate, although he is apparently banging his fellow 'Starjammer' who is a female cat person with a big skunk tail. I'm not sure if that's better than just being gay for male humans.

Anyway, in a cut scene back at earth, Havok recaps all the events leading up to now, so why not let him explain what the fuck is up with the X-Tards in space? Take it away lamer younger brother of Cyclops: "The X-men and Empress Lilandra have been kidnapped. Lilandra's sister, Deathbird, is making a bid to seize the Shi'ar throne. That whole galactic empire is coming apart at the seams, as everyone chooses sides. Evidently, Deathbird allied herself with a race of aliens from beyond known space, the Brood."

Man, isn't expository dialog sweet? And now the Brood have injected all the X-Mans with their seed and only Wolverine was able to cure himself with his mutant healing factor. Even so, he rescues the rest of his infected X-Men and they escape with Lilandra on her space yacht (though they don't know yet that they are infected by Brood sperms. Ew sick, I hate Brood sperms!)

Nothing too important happens, except for the X-Men all acting like a bunch of queers except Wolverine, who has no qualms executing evil bug like killer aliens. I seriously don't understand how you can say killing these things is wrong. Well, besides the fact that is a fucking ridiculous made up comic book. BUT IF IT WERE REAL!!!!

Sorry, I just started hyperventalting and had to chug a 2 liter of Mountain Dew to calm myself down.

Anyway, the X-Men are in space, infected with alien sperm, and the last panel is their space yacht (I would kill my parents to own a real space yacht, just by the by) being targeted by aliens and about to be blown up. Yawn. Not too worried.

Hey when you guys here the opening guitar part to Katy Perry's Teenage Peen, doesn't it remind you of the superior song, Lazy Eye, by the Silversun Pickups? Well, my point is this: I would totally bone both the Silversun Pickups' bassist AND Katy Perry. Both at the same time if I have to. I'll show no favorites. That's just the kind of guy I am. I do it not for the mind blowing, ball draining orgasms, but because its the RIGHT thing to do.

Also Cyclops is still the best X-Man.

X-Men 162: Beyonce the Farting Star!

WHAT WE DISCOVER BEYOND THE FARTHEST GOD DAMN STAR IN THE FRIGGIN UNIVERSE:

FIRST PERSON NARRATION BY WOLVERINE IS PRETTY DOPE. YOU MAY BE ON TO SOMETHING HERE, CLAREMONT.

DEATHBIRD LAID A STASIS BOMB ON THE X-MENS ASSES AND FUCKED THEM ALL UP. AH SHIT! I FUCKING HATE STASIS BOMBS!

ALL OF THE X-CHODES, INCLUDING WOLVERINE, HAVE BEEN INFECTED BY THE QUEEN BROOD ALIEN AND WILL TURN INTO ALIENS UNLESS THEY CAN FIGURE A WAY TO STOP THE TRANSFORMATION. HEY THAT SOUNDS AN AWFUL LOT LIKE A MOVIE THAT CAME OUT 4 YEARS AFTER THIS COMIC DID, PROBABLY BECAUSE JAMES CAMERON IS AN UNORIGINAL BASTARD NOT UNLIKE TOLL BOOTH WILLIE'S TORMENTORS.

CLAREMONT HAS EVERY CHARACTER CALL THE BROOD, 'SLEAZOIDS'. WOOF!

WOLVERINE IS THE BEST AT WHAT HE DOES... BUT WHAT HE DOES BEST, ISN'T VERY NICE. AH DUH HICKEY, TELL ME SOMETHING I DON'T ALREADY KNOW WHY DON'T YOU?

AWESOME WOLVERINE QUOTE: "I REMEMBER MY HALLUCINATION ABOUT KILLING KITTY. IF I HAVE TO - IF SHE CAN'T BE CURED - I'LL DO IT. I'LL... KILL THEM ALL. MY FRIENDS." HEY, WITH FRIENDS LIKE THESE, RIGHT? RIGHT? AMIRIGHT?

TERRIBLE WOLVERINE QUOTE: "WHEN YOU'RE COMDEMNED TO HELL, DOES IT REALLY MATTER WHETHER THE FLAMES THAT BURN YOU ARE A MILLION DEGREES HOT OR A BILLION? EITHER WAY, IT HURTS." GOOD POINT, DIPSHIT.

WOLVERINE QUOTE THAT SOUNDS LIKE A TYPICAL EXCUSE TO BINGE DRINK: "AGAIN, AGONY... BURNING, GROWING WITHIN ME, CORRUPTING MY BODY, MURDERING ME. I'VE BEEN WOUNDED - TOO OFTEN TO COUNT - BUT I'VE NEVER ENDURED ANYTHING EQUAL TO THIS. I HUNGER FOR OBLIVION - ANYTHING TO TAKE THE PAIN AWAY - BUT THAT RELEASE IS DENIED ME." BOTTOMS UP!

I THOUGHT I HAD TO TAKE A NASTY DUMP ONCE BUT IT TURNED OUT TO JUST BE A LONG PEE AND A BIG FART.

I wasn't too keen on this issue at first but it definitely grew on me. Most of it was just taking the Wolverine dialog at face value. As long as you don't expect too much from it, enjoy the camp, comic book qualities, while still appreciating the fact that Wolverine is a crazy berserker son of a bitch who knows that he'll kill all these aliens and stab his friends and team mates to death with his razor sharp fucking claws if he has to, its pretty damn cool.

And Wolverine's perspective is always fun, especially since this was before overexposure completely ruined his character. A whole comic devoted to Wolverine was a rare treat back then. Not like now, where they made him join the Avengers. THE MOTHERFUCKING AVENEGERS. That is so incredibly fucked I don't even know where to begin.

Anyways, Wolverine's healing factor killed the Brood infestation in him and know he's got to rescue the rest of the X-Men, who are all being held captive by the Brood up in their giant floating dead bug space station. ALIENS AND SPACE AND ADAMANDTIUM CLAWS, WHOOPEE!

Now I gotta go see about the shit that is perhaps just more pee and farts.

X-Men Annual 5: ooh la la badoon

THEY REALLY CALLED THIS SHIT OOH LA LA BADOON! FUCK ME!

SO THE FANTASTIC FOURSKIN AND THE X-KNOBS FIGHT SOME LIZARD ALIENS

ALSO I'M DRUNK WHEN I DID THIS AND THE CARTOON

THE CARTOON IS PRETTY SWEET, IF I DO SAY SO MYSELF

DID I MENTION I'M FUCKIN SAUCED UP?

Claremont didnt give a shit about the annuals, yet anyway, but i must say, this one was allright. theres something to be said for being able to take a stupid premise like arkon the barbarian and the evil lizard men the badoon and making a decent comic with them and the x-men and the ff. so terrible premise and nothing noteworthy but, ya know i knid of liket it.

plus college football season started and guess what? im fuckin sozzled.

so this can go ahead and buttfuck itself and im done. touchdown for beers.

X-Men 161: Gold Rush 'N' Attack

WHAT THE NAZIS TAUGHT US THIS ISSUE:

XAVIER FOUGHT OFF THE DEADLY BROOD ALIEN GROWING IN HIS BODY WITH HIS MIND. GREAT JOB CHUCKY.

WHISLT FIGHTING, XAVIER HALLUCINATED BACK TO A TIME IN THE PAST WHEN HE FIRST MET MAGNETO AND THE FOUGHT OFF EVIL NAZIS (AS IF THERE ANY OTHER KIND).

THIS REALLY HAPPENED, THOUGH XAVIER WAS ONLY REMEMBERING IT IN HIS MIND!

THE EVIL NAZIS OF THE PAST ARE CALLED HYDRA, WHICH STILL EXIST IN THE MARVEL UNI TODAY. HEY COOL STORY, LOSER.

NAZIS, GOLD, JEWISH AND BALD MUTANTS, THERES A JOKE IN THERE SOMEWHERE BUT I'M FEELING REALLY LAZY TODAY.

HOWEVER STORM AND CYCLOPS DO SHARE A VERY TENDER MOMENT PAGE 4

Over-arching plotwise, the important events in this issue happen on the last two pages, where Xavier comes out of his evil alien induced coma and announces he is no longer an infected host to the killer bug aliens the Brood. It was the power of his love for his bird alien empress girlfriend that helped him pull through, you see. The more important events continuity wise, critically for the character development of Magento, is the flashback Charles has that reveals Magneto as a Holocaust survivor. This allows him to escape the one dimensional silver age trappings of 'evil villain bent on world domination just for the smell of it' and recasts him as a tragic, misguided vigilante, hoping to secure peace and stability for mutant-kind that was never afforded to his other people, the Jews.

Or something like that, I'm yawning just typing this up. Theres a lot more shit in the flashback too, with Nazis all over the place, and another old GF of Xavier's and some evil Nazi named Baron von Strucker (Strucker? I hardly evink know her) but whatever, I don't feel like getting into all of it. This issue is kind of a big deal though, cause without it, the billion dollar X-Men movies with Magento as a bad guy would be a whole lot different.

And then at the very end, the Brood and Deathbirdbitch show up again and LOOKS LIKE WE'RE HEADED BACK TO FUCKING SPACE! (say, is that the longest I've ever gone without cursing in one of these things before? I it just may fuckin be!)

Also Cockrum is back for his last continuous run on the title. So of course there is also a scene where everyone gets funky new costumes. And Storm doesn't look black and Kitty doesn't look Jewish.

SO I'LL SEE Y'ALL BITCHES UP IN SPACE REAL FUCKIN SOON.

X-Men 160: LIVE! DIRECT FROM HELL!

THIS ISSUE... IN HEEEEEEEELLLLLLLL:

SOME GUY NAMED NAMED TABASCO (I MEAN BELASCO) DRAGS THE X-MEN TO HELL! OR AS THEY CALL IT BECAUSE COMICS ARE FOR PUSSY LITTLE KIDS, LIMBO!

BELASCO LOOKS LIKE A FRUIT CAKE!

S'YM, BELASCO'S ENFORCER, ON THE OTHER HAND, IS ONE SCARY ASS, UNSTOPPABLE, AMORAL, DEMON-PIG!

THERE ARE SO MANY AWESOME THINGS THAT HAPPEN IN THIS ISSUE, I'M GOING TO LIST THEM ALL IN THE RECAP!

ALSO COLOSSUS' 7 YEAR OLD SISTER SPEND SEVEN YEARS GETTING RAPED IN HELL. WHAAAAAA???

So much awesome shit happens in this issue, I'm going to run down the events as fast as possible, pointing out all the AWESOME bits as they occur. This comic came out in the summer of 1982, just by the by.

The X-Men are practicing at their new headquarters, an abandoned Atlantean city (AWESOME) raised from the sea floor by Magneto, who has since gone someplace else, conveniently allowed the X-Men to move in after their X-Mansion got destroyed by space bugs (AWESOME).

An evil villain's demon hand then beckons Colossus' seven year old sister, Illyana to come toward him, which she does as we witness from the creepy's pedophile demon's point of view (AWESOME, kinda). Kitty goes after Illyana and get teleported to hell herself. None of the other X-Men notice but Storm is tired, so she strips buck naked (AWESOME) and takes a shower. Then the rest of the X-Men get sucked into hell.

Hell is freaky looking and everything is made out of bones and shit (AWESOME). Then creepy molester Nightcrawler feels up Kitty's training bra mounds (AWESOME). Kitty runs away and trips on bones and falls right in front of a seated Belasco, so that from our perspective she is kneeling directly in front of his crotch (AWESOME).

Storm is attacked by a yawning hell chasm's many tentacles (AWESOME). Belasco summons S'ym, who breaks a claw off of Wolverine's adamantium skeleton (AWESOME) and picks his teeth with it (AWESOME). That was what Kitty tripped on earlier (AWESOME).

Belasco then rips Kitty's bones out of her body while using sorcery to keep the rest of her flesh in one piece (AWESOME). Kitty's bone's then wave to Kitty's body (AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME).

Regular Nightcrawler fights pedo-Nightcrawler and Wolverine battles S'ym. While doing so Wolverine notices Colossus' old decroded corpse (AWESOME). Then everybody gets in a big fight together and they are saved by old Sorceress Storm. See the way it works in hell is time flows differently, and it's one of those Twilight Zone twists things where, in hell, YOU'VE ACTUALLY BEEN THERE THE WHOLE TIME! BWA HAHA - and the X-Men either died or turned evil/molestery, except Storm, who has an indomitable will (remember from last issue with Dracula?). So she's able to fend evil forces of hell off while all the regular X-Dongs escape with Illyana EXCEPT for in the first 3 panels on the second to last page when Illyana get's stuck right before she can be teleported out and then a couple seconds later they manage to pull her out, but NOW, the 7 year old girl is a 13 year old young lady. Cause of the TIME THING. WOW, AWESOME.

SO YOU SEE? FULL OF AWESOME.

Maybe I come a little too enthusiastic for the kiddie rape, and none of that probably made any sense, but trust me, it's awesome (especially if you love kiddie rape, well, IMPLIED kidd rape that is. And I know WE ALL love implied kiddie rape, right?).

What else is great? Well this issue was called Chutes and Ladders, which plays off the idea of a kids game because innocence is lost, and also for the funky way time and the X-Men kept getting shuffled around.

Also this issue was not drawn by Dave Cockrum (sorry Dave, you've got a great imagination but you sequential art is doo doo).

Also, 7 year old girls are worthless comic characters, so Claremont took Colossus' sister, sent her to hell, implied that she was raped by demons for 7 years, and presto chango: 13 year old Sorceress babe with magical powers! And a potential tribbing partner for Kitty Pryde! Nice!

This issue was also part of a broader company-wide strategy to adopt some psuedo Lovecraftian evil gods/great old ones mythos into the Marvel Universe. This was easier to do back when you only had a dozen or so MU books to worry about, and one off the important editors, I forget which, was also writing the Conan the Barbarian liscenced books for Marvel (before the movies), and wanted to tie that universe and the superheros together, and use Lovecraft and hell and what not to do it. THATS AWESOME! so of course the efforts got aborted, but still, pretty fuckin sweet.

Anyway, there's way more, but I don't feel like typing anymore. Just remember that Claremont was the shit because of stuff like this, in a comic book for kids back in 1982. Pedo-demons! 7 year olds + magical powers + rape! This one had it all!

Also I forgot to mention how happy I was that in last issue, Sienkiewicz, the artist, finally figured out how to draw Storm so that she actually looked like a black chick. When you're reading this issues in black and white reprints, you never realize how obvious this artistic shortcoming is.

Anyway, whatever, next issue is pretty dope too. Maybe start MS Painting and writing before midnight so I have time to do a decent job. BUT PROBABLY NOT.